You don't have to answer me.

But you need to know all those answers yourself.
If all the answers lead to a result that says you're
unhappy, then it was the right choice for you to let
him go.

Right now, you might be feeling like crap because
you would have thought that you've lost the love
of your life. It's normal, since he's the only guy you've
ever been with for the past 6 years. You feel so much
loyalty towards him. Almost like you were already married.

Yet, you broke up with him.

And he moved on.

And he doesn't feel like he's lost the girl of his life.
(Since he's got the other girl)

Don't all these just mean that your gut feeling was
right all along then?

To breakup?

Something whispered to you inside that something
was amiss, and it bothered you. You heard it, and
you listened. You acted upon it. And you came to
a conclusion; to breakup.

If you believe the breakup was the right thing to do,
then believe it with true conviction. Right now, you're
all over the place because you're unsure whether it
was right or not.

So you need to find out the truth for yourself and
believe in it.

The way i see it, it was right. If he could so conveniently
find another girl and move on, that would only mean that
he was sick and tired of some things about you to
embrace a new love so easily.

It says he'd rather get a girl who's an easier catch, likes him
for what he is, and doesn't feel the need to change himself
to be a better person for you. It basically means he doesn't
love you enough to go the distance.

In short, he doesn't deserve you.

I mean, nobody should be together with someone that
makes your head go "i need to breakup with this person"

Especially after being together for 6 years.

To everyone else out there who has had that thought,
you probably need to start asking yourself the right
questions to remain in the relationship.

Or else you'll all just crash and burn. This much i know.

Anyways, I know it's hard to trust yourself with all these
uncertainties. But trust your judgement. Trust that you
know what's best for you. And one day, i hope you can
believe in it and turn all these sadness into strength.

Your doubt won't dissipate all at once. Let it happen
on its own. Don't bother forcing yourself to be happy.
Feel whatever you need to feel.

Pain always demands to be felt. So keep feeling until
it no longer bothers you. I'd rather be genuinely happy
than to put on a face but I'm actually heartbroken inside.

Slowly, but eventually, you'll learn to accept it.

If you have anymore to share with the thread,
feel free to speak your mind. I'm sure the fine
members of Lowyat can help you out in some way.

I mean, who in their right mind wants to pretend that they
are cool with someone they used to have feelings for?

It's a crappy feeling that nobody deserves to feel.
So why would you wanna do that to yourself?

I can tell you this straight up:
You'll probably still enjoy hanging out with your "friends."

But the pain of seeing "your friend" in the same circle
knowing you that you can never have that person's
affection will easily crush all the joy you feel to nothing.

It starts with feeling like the world is being unfair to you.
Then maybe you start feeling jealous.

After that you burst into anger and fall into depression
after all your rage dies off; knowing how helpless you
are in the situation.

Sure, you might think you're okay the first few times.

It's like having beer.

After maybe 50 or 100 you'd start feeling the kick,
thinking to yourself why the heck are you even doing
this to yourself.

And then you vomit and feel like shit; if you catch my drift.

But if you really wanna follow through, okay:

It all starts with your friend.

If your friend can be cool with it, then yes, go ahead and try.
Work out your issues as you go and compromise for the
good of everyone around you.

It's like having a relationship, minus everything a relationship
is supposed to be.

But if your friend says no but you go ahead anyway, it'll just
make you a douche of a human being.

But what the heck, whatever makes you happy(ier) right?

I vote against, because I know nothing good will
come from you doing this. But feel free to try.

It's been almost a year my ex broke up with me.
We have been together for a substantial part of our
lives and did almost everything together. She gave
me to motivation to want to better myself when i was
down. Safe to say i am in a better place now than i
was before we meet but as fate would have it,
she decided to call it quits. I will not go into the details
of why she decided to split but mostly i guess it's my fault.


Ok. That's good. Clearly your relationship wasn't a waste a
time for you.

What about her? How does she feel about it? Was it a waste
of time for her?

I'm sure you have your reasons for saying that it's mostly
your fault. And I may have an inkling as to why you put
it that way. I'll get to it when the part comes.


Most of the time we still talked to each other like before
we broke up.

Ok, hold up. What's happening? You guys broke up right?
Then why are you still talking to each other like you're both
still together?

Did someone start this or did this happen instinctively?

People need to understand that when you break up with
someone, it is final. And you need to completely commit
to the act of breaking up like how you're trying to get into
a relationship itself.

Letting your ex talk to you like nothing's ever happened
does the decision to break up no justice.

Why break up then? Might as well stay together right?

I mean, sure, it makes you feel like you kinda still have her.
But in the end of the day, you don't right?

Why do this to yourself?

It's so frustrating and does you no good.

Okay, fine. She broke up with you. Not the other way
around. She doesn't want to be with you anymore.

You cannot force her.

So if [talking to her like how you guys were before] is a
way for you to salvage whatever feelings you still have
for her...

I'm sorry to say this, but you're being really pathetic.

And she probably doesn't need that. It only makes her feel
even more conflicted about you. Like you're giving her part
of the relationship, but not the full package (because the full
package requires you to change for most part, and I don't
think you're capable or doing that at the moment)

Alright, this is how I view break ups:

When someone wants to break up with you, and you
know they love you, they usually do it because they
know there is no more hope in continuing the relationship.

And they'd rather save the already accumulated good
memories, leave the bad ones behind, and cease making
worse ones in the future.

It's their last chance to leave you while they can still
respect you as a sensible, normal human being. And
they'd rather leave you with respect than to descend
into madness and break all there was already good
in the relationship.

Because there is a limit to how much one person can
change. If she wants out, I'm guessing she saw you hitting
that limit, and she doesn't want to push you any further.

Because she loves you too much to see you struggle
unnecessarily for her. What more when she's your goal
in life?

Like wow, really?

Okay, to be honest, I was guilty with that before to.
But I learned from it, and I hope you do too.

You see, there's a huge problem with making your partner
a personal goal. When you do that, you're forcing her to
expect miracles out of you. That you can do wonders with
her around.

And when you don't deliver, it causes her a tremendous
amount of stress. Because she'll always see you striving
so hard day after day to be this better Superman, and
if anything happens, it's all her fault.

Because she's the reason you breathe, you eat, you shit,
you walk and you live.

Try putting yourself in her shoes and feel it for yourself man.
It feels like having an assassin say he'll kill people for you,
and you're the reason other people have to die.

And that unnecessary burden of responsibility sucks.

She probably tried to make you come to your senses
to it, but I'm guessing you were too clouded by your
own stubbornness to realize it, and continued shoving
through the way you always did, unbeknownst to you
that what you did kept pushing her further away and
away from you.

On a brighter note, if she was the one that started
[talking to you like you were both still in a relationship],
then she's the one being pathetic.

...And she's making you pathetic by dragging you into this
game of non-relationship relationship.

Sounds crazy already doesn't it? Doesn't even make sense.

But I highly doubt she started it, since you've already mentioned
that she was the one that motivated you when you were down.
It's clear enough that she's a strong-willed woman, and she's
the one giving you inspiration to live; not the other way around.

Anyways, you know which one is true, so keep the truth close
to heart. You're under no obligation to tell me or anyone what
has really transpired.

Your story is yours and yours alone. Nobody can pry it open
from you unless you let them.

So, moving forward:

Currently there is someone who is pursuing her, someone
who i see is more successful in terms of career and education
than me. She haven' gave him an answer yet. Deep down i
wanted the best for her. I just want her to have all the
things she was longing for during our relationship which i
could not give. Knowing she sometimes spends time
with the other guy really hurts.

Hey. I've been there.

But if what you're saying is true, and she IS your goal, then
this is not a valid excuse.

It's completely and extremely unacceptable.

Very disrespectful to your feelings for her.
Very disrespectful to her.
And more importantly, you're not even respecting yourself.

Makes it all seem like you didn't even bother trying hard enough.

Don't get me wrong. I know you've tried. You've been together
for 10 years. It's given knowledge that you've tried.

Sure, everyone can try.

But did you really put in the right amount of effort to keep her
with you? Or did your steam just start to dissipate and after
that, you still try, but that's not really your 100%

because, y'know.

Life.

If you wanted to be yourself, you should be that before you get
into a relationship. At least if you did that, both of you can find
a proper common ground as you continue treading through life
as a couple. Because she already knows you. It's easy for her.
Gives her a sense of security knowing that, "hey, this guy is
always gonna be like this. And I love him for it. Damn, I could
really see myself staying with him forever."

Only yours is probably, "hey... is he always gonna be like this?
I love him.. but if he keeps being this way... I'm not sure how
long I can go on."

Most relationships I know ends disastrous when you try to be
"yourself" later but you started off as the "best version of yourself."
That version where you're always eager to impress the other person,
and working at 300% just to get her to like you, but after she likes
you, you can't even give 50%, let alone 100%.

And I'm assuming that she doesn't really fancy that version
of yourself; hence the break up.

Okay, next chapter:
I guess i still have feelings for her even after so long.
Problem is what should i do? Do i severe all ties with her and
move on or just bite the bullet,continue to be friends with her
but at the same time feel suicidal over the thought of her
belonging to someone else?

...Hmm. This entire paragraph perplexes me. Makes the
first few paragraphs completely irrelevant right now.

Okay, sorry. I need to apologize in advance. Because I'm
just gonna be very blunt. As if I'm not being brutal enough
before this already.

You see, it's really interesting that you're still asking others
what you should be doing when you're the one who's been
with her for the past 10 years.

Of all people, you should be the one who knows better right?
I mean, if you've really been with her for 10 years, by now
you should know damned well what's best for her.

It shouldn't be that hard to figure out.

If you can't, (well, you posted this query, so you probably
really can't figure it out) then...

I hate to say this, but really,
what have you been doing with the past 10 years with her?

Were you even really there for her? It seems as if you
weren't even paying attention to her while you were with
her. I'm not sure how that is even possible, but okay.
We're all human, and we make mistakes sometimes
without knowing.

So. What happened?

The way I see it, if she's still putting that other guy
on hold, she's seriously clinging onto the possibility that
you might still come back around and be that guy who
she waited 10 years for.

I think.

It's a possibility that I'll entertain. After all, she's already
waited 10 years, so what's another year or 2 to really
ascertain things? She may be getting older, but from the
looks of it, she's in no rush to get hitched.

Because if she was, she would have already said yes to
that guy a long time ago. And this reply won't even exist.

But... from what I can deduce right now, I don't think you
being with her would do her any good.

BECAUSE.
You ended your query with 2 depressing options.
And depressing options are not options.

I'll tell you why:
You giving yourself negative ultimatums is no different than
saying, "hey, I love you. But if you leave me, I'm gonna kill
myself, and you're gonna be completely responsible for it!"

wtf?

She breaks up with you to find her own happiness, hoping
you can do the same for yourself, and then you die and
your death will continue to haunt her until the day she
draws her last breath.

Is this how you love her? To continue to suffocate her even
during your absence? Because if it is, then your type of love
is not healthy.

It's torturous, therefore making it toxic.

...

You really need to digest this entire situation properly.
You probably thought you already did.

But I implore you to look at it again really patiently.

Just try again. At least with this new perspective in light, you'll
see some things differently. *fingers crossed*

And I strongly feel now's not the right time for you to decide
on anything.

Sure, you can say things like "the longer I wait, the slimmer the
chances of me getting back with her."

But, just trust this stranger on this one.

You're not yet ready for her.

Look, right now, you're suicidal, you're emotional, you're
depressed, and you're all alone. If you get back with her
now (assuming she accepts you for whatever reason it may be),
you're gonna drag her down even more, and I know for a fact,
that you don't want that happening to her.

Because you said it yourself; you wanted what's best for her.

She loved you for 10 years.

So the best thing for her should be pretty clear right now:
it is what kept her with you for that past 10 years.

Not that new guy, with a better package.

So what man? Even if he's Brad Pitt, he's not you.
She's not in love with him.

And that's your winning card.

If you can figure out why she's loved you for so long,
then you've got a good chance on getting her back.

If you're already telling yourself you can't right now
and your mind is already flooded with excuses, then
please, for her sake, don't even bother going after her.

She doesn't deserve to be heartbroken by you twice.

Like what Lady Irawaddy has said:
Be a man.

Be the man for her.

But if you can't fulfill that task; and you fully acknowledge
your defeat, then please find the strength within you to let
her go completely, and trust yourself that doing that will
allow her the chance to be happier than she ever could be
with you.

Wish her well, and sever all ties with her. Because if you're
gonna disappoint her like that, it's not advisable for you to
continue being her friend for a while.

The distance helps. It's a sign that you trust each other
to be able to take care of yourselves independently.

...Or you can do exact same things you're doing right
now until she finally has enough you.

Go ahead. Be suicidal. Ruin her.

Make the right choice. Think hard.
Good luck.

P/S:
I really don't believe in fate. So I tend to immediately label
people as lazy the moment I see them say things like "fate."

Why I say that is because I always see a trend.

People who say that "things are fated a certain way" are
always either on the verge of giving up hope, or they
have already given up.

And I don't like it. Because when they leave things to
"fate," they immediately feel like nothing is theirs to
blame and things were just not meant to be because
it's just not meant to be.

Which means they don't learn anything. And they'll
continue repeating the same mistakes to all their
new partners in the future.

Sometimes they may not mean it that way, and I'm not
supposed to judge, but hey; I have to be honest about
where I stand.

Everything in a relationship happens for a reason. If she's
broken up with you, it's your job to find out what it was
that made her follow through with that decision.