Thank you all for your advice. I have a video about relationship advice at my website. Feel free to take a look

bump, thanks for the advice.

otw to my recovery

This may be a bit melodramatic, but at least understand how this is based on a scientific research in order to understand why your depression may not go away as easily as you think, or least to be able to grasp an understanding of why you feel the way you do.

It does not means that men should not look for relationships because of this research, it simply just means that there is a science behind why men feel the way you do whenever you break up. With enough initiative and will, I hope you will be able to get a hold of your feelings better, and not blame yourself for not being able to improve things as you go along.

Regardless, it does not means break-ups should not happen, as backed up by studies.

Here's the video with a scientific take on how to deal with break-ups.



This post has been edited by Deadlocks: Sep 4 2015, 02:31 PM

I posted this web blog in another thread just now, but I am trying to see how many people could help me with this puzzle? Whenever I see a person that is in need of saving, I will always try my best to help the person I am also trying to contact the person who wrote this blog, any help or suggestion please feel free to share. I understand break up is very painful and people go thru it very different. Thank you for all post, and I do not know the person by the way, just that I am very keen to understand all the pain in life so I can be emotionally strong in the future.
http://heartlesslifeless.blogspot.my/

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This post has been edited by berdorki: Oct 20 2015, 07:21 PM

Tell me about it. Mine was 7 years. After 3 months ago we broke up, she can simply replace me for someone new and all we had throughout those years as if it was nothing. Now she pretends like we had nothing. She communcates with me awkwardly and now she's being a douche bag!

But I told myself that things happen for a reason and maybe god has a better plan for me. Though it is really painful, but I just have to swallow the pain.

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This post has been edited by berdorki: Oct 20 2015, 07:22 PM

count me in too

Yeah Yeah, we just have to remind ourselves that there are worst cases out there and we should be thankful.

And now it is the time to find a rebound. LOL joking!

its easy because the other party feels the relationship is either bored or no future.
when there is no future in relationship, its better to move on.

mine was 2 years relationship broke up 2 months ago, its also painful to let go and move on, still trying to...
all the memory will come back when after busy~

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This post has been edited by berdorki: Oct 20 2015, 07:22 PM

you are a female. technically...u should be able to move on faster.

Sorry, I beg to differ on this view. I don't think one's gender has anything to
do with how fast you're able to move on from someone.

Men, women, they are the same. They are both ultimately human.

They both feel pain the same way emotionally.

The only thing that makes a difference in how fast you can move
on is your character. Not your gender.

I don't think we can follow movie and fictional stereotypes in the
real world. If anything, females only have the advantage of having
more things to do when they decide they should move on. (Though,
these lines are slowly blurring now with the emergence of metrosexuality
in men. And trust me, men are lying if they tell you they don't have
anything much to do.)

But that does not make it any less painful.

Just because they had a manicure, got a hair job or facial treatment,
go on a shopping spree etc. doesn't mean they have moved on. It
means that they are deciding to move on. They are in the process
of feeling better.

And that has nothing to do with them being a better species at
moving on faster.

I mean, what better way to get better than to do things that make you
feel happier?

I don't deny that those activities feel rejuvenating. But that doesn't mean
they still feel any less emotional pain.

Lets take a more physical example:

You got shot on your shoulder, it's painful as hell. Then you eat some
cotton candy. The sensation is great in your mouth and it tastes sweet,
but that doesn't make your wound any smaller or any less painful.

If anything, it only served to distract you from your pain.

Moving on is gradual battle against your own feelings. Sometimes
you win. Most of the time you lose. But the moments you win really
makes it all worth the while.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Moving on naturally has to do with a few factors:
1. How emotionally invested you're in with the relationship/partner
2. How strong you feel about your relationship/partner
3. How much energy you have left to go for in the relationship
(excited, indifferent, tired, exhausted)
4. Expectations versus reality of the current relationship situation

All it takes is any of the two to be extreme at present, and it's
enough to give them an ultimatum to give up trying.

Us people who invest all our hearts, still love our partners and
keep thinking that things could still be better if we tried are the
ones who always suffer the most.

Because we just aren't ready to let go.

And I don't think you're ready to let go, which is okay.

Moving on shouldn't be forceful, it should be a natural process.
The more you try to instigate the phase of "moving on" within
yourself, the more your feelings will rebel against you.

It's hard to explain in actual words, but you really need
to embrace the idea of moving on before you can do it.

Accepting that loss is painful, and that it's ok to get hurt, because
that hurt is proof that your relationship meant something special
to you, and that you have every right to find something equal or
better to that experience.

So... it's not as simple as setting your mind to it.

Setting your mind to it is one thing, but letting your
heart come to terms with the relationship ending is
another thing entirely.

To illustrate gender makes difference, let me give you an example.
This is based on ego elevation, which essentially helping in overcoming breakup.
People tend to dwell in breakups mainly because they feel unwanted.

Let me put a scenario for u.

A guy breakup and A girl breakup as well. Lets say both heads to a bar. Let me know, how quickly a girl can get a guy interested in her than the guy?
Tell me the chance of the girl getting attention?
This is just an example, im not saying girl should head to bar or what. Bottom line is, ladies can easily get attention in comparison to men.

That is a true statement, and I agree with that notion.

However, I think the more apt version of the example will be like this:
A beautiful model and an average-looking white collar worker breaks up
at the same time.

Lets just assume they both went to the bar to do whatever it is they need to do.

Realistically how soon can the model initiate a response from one of the opposite sex
compared to the white-collar worker?

What are the chances of the beautiful one getting attention versus the lesser?

So...The truth in your statement actually lies not in the gender, but the visual
(sexual attractiveness) of that person.

Though that is an interesting point of view that is worth mentioning,
it does not say anything about how one's personality affects or triggers
the state of moving on.

Which is what I was trying to point out in my previous reply.

This thing we're going back and forth with right now is merely one of those
extra privileges those who are more well-endowed enjoy.

Getting someone's attention to have their ego elevated is like the cotton
candy-gunshot wound theory I mentioned before.

It distracts you from the pain, but it doesn't make the heartache any less painful.

It may help certain people to move on and it isn't for everybody.

But I guess what I'm trying to say is that this condition isn't definitive.
It's subjective.

I do however respect your view on this.

For you to believe in such a theory must mean that it has either
happened to you before or that someone you know experienced it
before, therefore shaping your faith in that particular matter.

Not everyone's gonna agree with me

...and not everyone's gonna agree with you either.

But these sort of discussions is the entire point of having
such a thread. So that an exchange of ideas can happen, with
hopes that it helps someone else in a similar set of circumstances.
----------------------------------------------------
On another note:

I've been a dumpee and the dumper before (not proud of both).

I wasn't happy to get broken up with.

I also wasn't happy to break up with someone, even if it really
was for my happiness. People who tell you they feel happy breaking
up with someone are either lying or their just really cold-hearted people.

I donno, how can something like breaking someone's heart ever be a happy thing?

Even when I was with my new gf then, the pain from my relationship
was always there. My new gf's feelings made me happy, but they don't
take away the sadness I feel for my previous loss.

But that's just me. So I'm afraid I'm not all that familiar with ego
elevation. I admit it feels nice to have admirers, but when the person
you want admiring you ends up hating you, all the others kinda just
fade into the background.

*sigh* we humans and our selective nonsense.

2 relationships has triggered me to be extra cautious with my luck.
I won't allow myself to just jump right in when I find out someone
likes me. I don't fancy trying out with someone out of curiosity only
to have it fail and have both sides feel the unnecessary collateral.

But if everything falls into place and the feeling feels right (very hard
to happen for me), I'll give it a shot.

And I won't give up searching for this.

I'd rather have that magic happen all at once, or I'll just remain single
my entire life. It's not worth the damage we cause to others.

Because my first relationship began with magic. Ended in flames.
So I'm looking for another moment that is worth burning myself for.
Something that is worth trying forever after with.

This post has been edited by Searizeel: Oct 14 2015, 02:00 AM

I'm also "searching" for the same magic again. It's been almost a year now after I broke upaway from a 4 years rship. I gotta say, it's been lonely.

Was scrolling around the topics and Luckly i saw this!

Guys, Gals, i need help here. I just broke up few minutes ago. God I cant explain how sad I am right now.

I've know her for almost a year and half, we had so many cool things together but the fact, She left me because I am not the type for her. It's because she is having so many expectation from me and expected me to do the same thing. She said, that I do not love her and she expected better.

I mean WTH? I felt like all my efforts, wasted! :'( She just do not know how much I love her. I'm not good at showing things I dont know what she wants, I mean, cmon I'm trying to be the best person that she ever wanted but it's just not enough for me....

It's hard for me to erase all the memories we had together. I cant even do my work properly right now and I cant even think straight, Maybe I just need to let it all out. Sorry for the rant guys.

shadowmorning

I think being lonely is a normal process. Everybody experiences it
before they got into a relationship and after one has ended.

They are both different kinds of loneliness though.

Before you got into a relationship, it feels like you didn't matter
to anyone at all.

Nobody understands you.

Nobody gives a shit about you.

You were nothing.

...and then this person starts noticing you.

Treats you nice. Makes you laugh.

And then that person tells you that he/she likes you.

After that, you instantly feel like the luckiest person
in the world.

Then something went wrong somewhere. You both
start arguing, getting on each others nerves. You
have no idea what happened to the couple you were,
you just know you both feel struggle to be happy anymore.

Then you break up.

You feel alone again.

But this time, it's different.

You already know that:

Someone understood you.

Someone gave a shit about you.

You were something.

You were there.

Things just didn't work. And you were left to figure out
what happened.

This loneliness stems from that person suddenly being
absent from your life. You feel empty, but at the same time,
without that person being present in your life at that point in
time, you wouldn't feel this alive right now.

This confusing state is what I'd call grateful depression.

It's like being happily sad. Or sadly happy. Whichever
floats your boat.

Bottomline is that you can only feel this way if you've felt
something special before in your life, and if such misery
was spun from goodness, I think it's a good kinda misery.

Something those who have never experienced a relationship
before could ever come to be familiar with.

With that being said...

lot ernie

I think there are a lot of answers for you here.

Try reading the entire thread if you haven't already.

The questions you ask after you do that will give you
a whole lot better answers anywhere you ask them later.
That I can be sure in the very least.

But I'll start with a tip for you here:

If a relationship was ever good at any point, I really don't
see a point in trying to erase such a wonderful memory.

If she didn't know how much you love her, then you can't
expect her to be telekinetic about it.

It's the same in her shoes with her being unsatisfied with the
relationship. She can't expect you to just read her like that.
She took a stand and became vocal about it.
(or maybe you just didn't/couldn't pay enough attention to know)

She made sure you understood her loud and clear that she
was unhappy.

When you're in a relationship, "not being good at showing your
feelings well" is a luxury very few people get to enjoy.

For those who don't get to enjoy it, that's just a very lame
excuse to get by with for your partner.

You might not be able to save your relationship now,
but you can still make things right and make it known to
her how you really feel.

She did her part. You can still do yours.

Just remember that if you do, the goal is to not to try and get
back together. It's to make a statement that she was still the
best damned thing in your entire life.

And then squeeze every ounce of courage in your heart to
let her go completely.

Or you can keep all the feelings bottled up, and write yourself
all those feelings you feel for her.

Or you can try to mend things up with her.

Whichever it is, I hope that you don't aim to be "happy" again.
Find a deeper meaning in your self.

Like something that makes you feel "at peace with yourself"
And being that does not necessarily require you to be happy.

Just think about the consequences of every action before you
jump in on impulse.

Being alone after a wonderful relationship can be a very
invaluable experience that shapes you into the best version
you could ever be for yourself; if you try hard enough.

It's very easy to succumb into your sadness every now and then.
How easy it is to just rot away in silence and cry your bones dry.

But people who love the memory enough will never tarnish it
with being an emotional dipshit I think. That's honestly the most
dreadful way you can repay someone for loving you.

Hope this helps. Ask away if you have any other questions.

Just remember that you deserve to feel any way you choose to
feel right now, and nobody has any right to force you into feeling
a certain way.

Moving on is a natural process that cannot be forced. So stop thinking
that you're okay if you're not okay. You can only start doing all the
aforementioned when you have more clarity.

And the only way to have clarity of it is to feel the pain at its very rawness.
Cry to it. Its your right to be depressed about it. It's your sadness.

And you were only sad because you were happy once.

If you were happy before, you can be happy again.
You'll know when you're ready to smile. Until then,
be unashamed of your vulnerability, but never stop
staying strong.

To be happy, is to get sadness out of your system. And that
only happen by coming to terms with your sadness. No other
way around that other than actually being sad.

Those who care enough about you will understand, if you'd tell them.

Good luck.

This post has been edited by Searizeel: Dec 1 2015, 02:57 PM