Over the years, I've encountered cases of guys (friends and acquaintances-- not strangers) confessing to me after years of stalking me on social media. I didn't even know these secret admirers existed until they suddenly messaged me and asked if I was single and looking for a relationship.

When I gave them a chance to know each other better, they were excited... then they'd start overthinking... then they'd get insecure... and went quiet.

I was like ??? what's wrong with these guys???

For the context, these guys had been single for years + had prior failed relationships or had never been in a relationship before. Usually, I just leave them alone to process their own feelings, but honestly, I'm quite curious why this happens.

Why would a guy suppress himself so much when the girl he likes is single, available and is open to exploring a relationship together?

macam girl reject pun salah, accept pun salah. Then might as well the guy doesn't confess if he can't proceed??

Confusing behaviour to women.

==============================================

TL;DR (updated 25 Sept 2024)

- Some guys are inexperienced with girls and have fearful-avoidant traits.
- Some guys just wanna play and don't want anything serious.
- Some guys pursue the girls successfully, but don't know how to handle the girls.

These are the common reasons for guys' confusing behaviours.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 25 2024, 10:17 PM

when you go to the bar, the likelihood to meet a librarian there is super low.
when you meet guys from the net, we shd know what we could get.
The best we can expect is, knowing someon1 new....odd or normal person, that is totally based on luck.
be it 99% odd guys, 1% normal ppl...

anyway, guy mentality is more like
"Well, i will try my best"
"Well, I tried"
"Well, next"
no hard feeling

This post has been edited by taitianhin: Sep 14 2024, 01:52 AM

My bad for not being clear. I'm referring to guy friends/acquaintances who are on my FB for years, not some random strangers.

We studied at the same university/high school/came from same hometown, and we didn't get to talk much... basically we stayed friends on FB for years with no contact, but suddenly they'd appear 10-18 years later to tell me they liked me.

That's why I didn't reject but kept an open attitude, but their behaviour confused me.

Haha I might be able to answer that. There are girls who I like since high schools, there are some of the best girls I know... I didn't pursue them because I was busy with studies and parents don't allow love relationships that young while still in school. Some times after high schools or unis we lose contact for a few years, but I am still looking around for the ONE. So you start aiming for girls around you, download and install dating apps, hang out with girls...

You tried this, tried that...

Then you realize hmm, 2 months back this high school classmate of mine who connected with me on LinkedIn (she sent the invitation), maybe I should drop her a message and check things out...

And after hanging out for some time, it worked!

----------------------------------

In short, some times real life issue kicks in... and sometimes, parents say no to love at young age etc. For my case it's just 4-5 years after high schools, after graduating from uni and starting my PhD earning my first dollar that I know I am ready to start a family... Some guys might take a long time...

But in any case, I think you are married right lol I remember you mentioned that in one of your old post here...

Can u explain why you concluded that the guys started overthinking and started being insecure?

Maybe its something u said or did (or did not do).

Ahh, I see... so guys do uhh search their existing contacts for available girls huh.

No, I'm not married yet. Was engaged but he called off due to his own issues. Then my secret admirers started appearing one by one... and they confused me. LOL.

this might be their last appearance in your life
when time goes by, people start departing. dead of alive
so, make the best out of it.
try more if you see fits, just ignore when you felt wrong.

Is your life

I'll give an example.

Recently, there was guy from my university who asked to be in a relationship with me, and I said yes, I'd give him a chance to get to know each other better.

Then he asked if we could get physically intimate (non-sexual, e.g. holding hands, hugging, cuddling). I said yeah, if we caught feelings for each other, we should just follow the natural flow.

Then he started overthinking: what happens if we can't control ourselves and we have xxx?

Then he started worrying about his 'performance' because he was single for years and couldn't 'last' that long.

In total, he initiated meeting me 3 times, but also cancelled 3 times, then he went MIA.

Me:

We haven't even started dating yet, and he's already thinking soooooooooo far ahead.

He works as an analyst. So, to me, it's more like his own overthinking/insecurity issues rather than my own...



This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 01:54 PM

Yea, we guys do search for old contacts... After all we know the girls back in those places and they know us. There's more trust in them compared to the one you hit up randomly on dating apps

Oh the engagement's off... Sorry to heard that. You must be very pretty in real life for so many admirers to come after you...

Let me add a potential new one for you: Ramjade He's gonna teach you how to trade options... beware lol

Hmm... you seem quite open. I also think far ahead like him except I can control myself far better than him Since it happens naturally, you both should talk it out. I think he's a little anxious after being single for too long. A responsible man should be able to control his urges and desires and let things happen naturally.

But his MIA and cancellation show lack of sincerity so yea, you shouldn't bother with him too much. You can see the commitment is not there. Only invest your time in men who's worth your time.

Scared of rejection ma. For me, I won't overthink. I just go with the flow. If it works, it works.

I have done that. They reject, I don't care. Just move on. Lol. For me, better to try girls around me. If cannot find, then move to dating app lo.

TOS why did you tagged me. Lol.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Sep 14 2024, 04:09 PM

Unfortunately, guys are not taught dating by parents and at school. Everything is self learning, from friends and movies etc (which are usually not good sources esp movies). So do expect weird stuff esp from inexperienced guys.

In your case this guy seem a bit weirder than normal. Probably very insecure person. Maybe he does have performance issues due to health or physcological reasons. This type probably need more reassurances from the girl.

Let me check with my analyst friends 🤣 . They are usually quite nerdy types and very intellectual. Good ones can earn quite good $$$.

Guys are like prince/knights/explorers

Girls are like princess in the castle.

So, the guys will explore around la

If they find one who is available, they will try to court la.

If got rejected, then just move on to another one.

this is obviously just someone who have never courted a girl or ever got into a relationship before.

Yeah, I was sad when my ex couldn't proceed. We're still friends but seldom talk now. & thanks for your compliment.

The new guy... he said he was looking for something casual, but his overthinking/withdrawal pattern made me feel like there's more underneath his façade.

As I have just returned to being single again for several months now, I'm not desperate to start another new relationship yet. I have made it clear to the new guy, but I dunno why he still overthinks. I thought I'd have a new casual bf to hold hands, cuddle and hug (which he suggested)... but my bubbles burst. LOL.

He's tall, lengzai and accomplished leh. Ticks all my checkboxes but haih...

Anyway, I'm giving him time and space for his emotions to settle down, and will see if he replies to me after that.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 05:40 PM

Yeah, I know he's inexperienced, but I didn't know he'd be this anxious. I already reassured him but still haiz...

He's on my Facebook, so I will post some interesting stuff to intrigue him, including some hot-looking and pretty photos.

haha I like your last lines. I've gone out with highly intelligent men before (including an operations management scientist); usually they're kinda cute as they blush and feel awkward around girls, and I like to tease such guys. hehe

Yeah, he was so 'excited' during our first week together. We were super hot with each other online.

Then, in the second week... he MIA pulak. Potong stim. Haih.

Anyway, I muted him and uhh archived our chat. Not gonna be so available to him anymore. Will only layan him when he's serious again.

He's still on my FB and knows where I live, so if he's sincere and serious, he'll do something about it. If not... k thx bye. Sien.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 06:01 PM

these are often beta males or orbiters who use relationship as an excuse to get to know a female. They often dont know how to be a player and be honest about it

so when these guys dont have much experiences with women, often times they will eject when they face objections

Somehow, I attract lone wolves and virgin males who run away when things get hotter between us. I think it's more like they can't take the emotional intensity and vulnerability of gradually falling in love with a woman.

& it's not like I approach them first, so I always feel puzzled (and a bit annoyed) when guys express interest and then disappear due to their own inner issues.

---

Here's another story of what happened in 2022, with another guy:

There was this guy who was strongly attracted to me on our first meeting. Our mutual friend could feel the strong chemistry between us, like sparks all over with eyes locked on each other and everything else faded away in the background. Our friend introduced us to each other as she felt we were compatible and was trying to matchmake us, and also she wanted to help me get a biz coach/life coach, so this guy was ideal.

The coaching contract was for 4 months, which my friend paid for behind my back and the guy also pushed me to accept my friend's kindness, so I accepted and started attending his group coaching. We met online every morning with other 3-6 members around, but often, he would notice me a lot although I seldom talked.

As his life coaching process involved sharp questions and honest answers, often, female participants would cry a while, and he was okay with that. However, whenever I shed tears, he was emotionally disturbed. In the end, he got so burnt out and prematurely terminated our coaching contract. He was just one month into coaching me, so my friend was upset and confronted him. It turned out he was trying so hard to hide and deny his feelings for me, and after that confrontation, he got sick with high fever for 3 days. He then shut his coaching programme some time later.

A year later, another biz friend tried to matchmake us again. I was like erm... roughly told her what happened, and she said wahhh he's quite a tough guy and I could affect him so much, which meant I was so special to him. She asked me to give him a chance again.

Yeah right, but this guy is emotionally unavailable and keeps reiterating on social media that he doesn't want any relationship and he will stay single for the rest of his life. Voluntary celibacy.

Sometimes, our mutual friend and I thought what a good bf/husband he could have been if he could open up himself to love a woman, but sadly, he couldn't.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 14 2024, 08:28 PM

A lot of times, people just dont want extra feelings when dealing with business or friendship plus intimacy. They often cant switch their role freely so when you communicate with them, there will be this stifling and heavy energy around them

It could be a trauma when a guy cannot fully express his intent towards a female. There are number of factors, ie he was heavily judged by his father or constantly being nagged by mom that he's a useless human being, that may escalate into a physical dispute

he was likely being shamed that sex is bad and unnatural
a man who understands women wont easily verbalize this kind of thought, cause we just live in present moment and go for the sex closure