Welcome to v3

Version 1 https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/398704

Version 2 https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/1618700

-------------------------------------------------------

Relationship is a Joke

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 7 2018, 11:15 PM

I wonder how many calories women burn by jumping to conclusions.

bro, both same links for v1 and v2.

---------------------------------


If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I just feel like popping in on the first page of yet another soon to be legendary tered

thanks for making it a better day for us.

Another good way to burn calories is running around in circles during meeting and presentation.

Some people just can't get straight to the point

what sexual position leads to ugly children?

I don't know either, ask your mother.

I have always wondered...

Is there an unwritten rule on not letting a thread exceed 2500 posts?

aLittleMisfit

thanks for all the laughs. even took the time to open v3.

This post has been edited by kevraul: Feb 9 2018, 09:29 AM

-more related-
When you have an argument with your wife and you suddenly wake up at night and realize what happened isn't fair, take the time to cover her up snugly from head to toe.. and fart between the blanket & sheets. That'll teach her about consequences


This post has been edited by GoldenHawk: Feb 9 2018, 11:20 AM

There's actually male oranges and female oranges.


If it squirts in your eye without warning, it’s a male.
And if it’s bitter for no fucking reason, it’s s female.

thanks for the v3 tered..and making a better day for us....

My wife asked me how she compared with past girlfriends during reunion gathering.

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

...The others were all eights and nines.

One day a blind man went to visit a brothel for the first time.

Because he couldn't see the ladies who were on offer he ended up with a lady ridden with acne.

When they got to their room upstairs they both undressed and got into bed. As he ran his hand over her spotty ass he recoiled in horror.

"It's okay" she said "It's just a bit of acne"

"Thank God for that" he replied "I thought it was the price list"

I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and sweet. What's the secret?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm afraid to ask her"

My wife said to me "I used to be Christian"...

I said "Don't worry dear, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...

She replied "Thank God!"
"It's so much better now I'm Christine".

dun forget taichi
not jz burns calories but ppl around u as well

Got these Jokes from WhatsApp

=========

While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents, "I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life".

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents like "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"?

No. Because women don't tell lies!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A small argument between a couple turns violent.

Husband says: Don’t let the animal in me come out!

Wife replies: Who’s afraid of a mouse?

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:

Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband.

“Miss” for first year and “Stress” for rest of the life.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?

That was common sense leaving your body.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

Dad: What role are you playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage. She said, “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Position of a husband is just like a Split Air-Cond. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Husband to wife: You should learn to embrace your mistakes.

She hugged him immediately.

Got this joke from the Internet and apologies if already posted in the past.


So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good
morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe that anyone would fuck u twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

"Your son just called me an old cow" said my neighbour.

"That's disgraceful" I said "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance".

After sex last night my girlfriend said “your easily the biggest I've ever had.”.

Apparently “ditto” wasn't the correct response!

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’

Some damn salty jokes here haha!

Today is international women’s day.

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready

Husband: Call ambulance, fast ! I am having heart attack...

Wife (Took his mobile): Quick! Tell me the password!

Husband: It's ok ! I am feeling better now.

*First woman on the Moon:*

Woman: Houston, we have a problem
Tech team: What?
Woman: Never mind

TT: What's the problem?
Woman: Nothing

TT: Please tell us?
Woman: You know the problem

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked,

"How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

Interviewer: "Describe yourself in three words."

Me: "Efficient."

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.


I asked my mum if by any chance I was adopted, she replied "hilarious, why on earth would we have chosen you?"

Kek....it is that day of the month.
Menstruation time.

I walked into a florist today and said
"I want a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

The cashier looked at me and said, "What are you after?"

I said, "Some sex."

I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry.

And informing me they are not a Dating agency.

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.

Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures.

The Devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven V Hell.

God says, “We’ll win hands down. All the greatest players who ever lived are up here.”

The devil replies, “But I’ve got all the referees and linesmen.”

Passive aggressive is best

My local council says I should recycle as much as possible.


So I joined /k.

▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ►


Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos!

A change of joke type ... from wordplay to pictograph.

Elections eh......

I was in the walking with my dog and I said to this guy,

"Which way are you going to vote?"

"The old party," he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman. "Which way are you going vote? " I asked.

"The old party, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked.
"Reformation!" he said. With that my dog bit him.

Apparently, my dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

If you're going to argue publicly on a cellphone, be fair and turn the speakerphone on so everyone can hear both sides.

We call my alcoholic uncle the exorcist. Everytime he visits he rids the house of spirits.

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

Thinking that it would help his depression after his blunders in Kiev, Loris Karius visited an orphanage just to see kids who have no parents and are worse off than him.

He was shown an eight month old baby boy
who's parents had died in a car accident.

"Oh dear, that's tragic, may I hold him"? asked Karius

The nurse replied " No, you can fuck right off, this is a tiled floor"

I don't get it

The nurse is asking karius not to hold the baby as he might drop the baby on the floor

Karius is the goalkeeper for Liverpool who made 2 silly mistakes and let the goal in... Dropping the ball

ooohhh....
okey just googled his name.

A group of England supporters in Russia were in a bar one evening and were approached by a prostitute.

She said "Hello boys, I like the England players so much that I have tattoos of them on my thighs and if you can tell me who they are I will give you a free shag"

So she lifts her skirt and drops her knickers to reveal Harry Kane on her left thigh and Jack Buckland on the other, she lays back and said "Well boys who are they"?

One of the pissed supporters piped up "I don't know who those two are on your thighs, but that fucker in the middle with the black curly hair and thick lips looks like Danny Rose"

I was walking back from the pub last night when a police pulled up in his patrol car and asked where I was going.

I said "Well, I'm actually on my way to attend a lecture on the problems of staying out late in the pub, consuming too much alcohol and the dangers it poses to your general health."

The cop said "Who is giving this lecture?"

I replied "My fucking missus"

South Korea coach Shin Tae-yong has admitted he made players wear the wrong shirt number in a recent friendly, to confuse foreigners who "have trouble distinguishing Asians".

Sweden's manager Janne Andersson said: "I don't know why Jackie Chan is getting involved."

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burned'....


..fucking firemen.

I went into a women's changing room today and forced everyone to act as if they wanted me there

Just like a female football pundit.

"He used me for sex"

No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

You lot clearly know nothing about football tactics.

The England's plan now will be to lose against Columbia so the team will be fully rested in time for 2022...

No wonder Japan was walking around in the final 15mins vs Poland ... it's not that they purposely do that becoz of strategy / tactics ... it's becoz they don't know how to play already in the end.
Same thing with vs Belgium.

The young Thai footballers have been told they will need to learn to dive in order to escape from the caves.

Neymar saintly said he will be on his way to teach them as soon as Brazil get knocked out of the World Cup.

He'll be rolling all the way to Thailand.

https://www.malaysiakini.com/news/432936

Went to a friend's funeral last week who died of drowning
Some of the guests got a bit hostile with me because I turned up with a wreath in the shape of a rubber life ring.

I said "It's what he would have wanted"

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

I was sat at the dining table with my grandparents when my grandma asked me.

"Have you found yourself a nice girlfriend yet? Such a waste, a nice handsome, young man like you."

"Well gran," I said "I'm actually seeing a girl I met on the internet."

"Oh that sounds like fun! Was that on one of those dating sites?"

"Erm, yeah something like that." I mumbled.

"What's the lucky lady's name then?" she asked.

"AnalSlut69!" I said.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

A young man was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

Best JOkes lol

I went to my doctor complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked me if I could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", I said. "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

On a menu, I saw "Golden Soup" listed.

I asked the waitress why it's called golden soup?

She said because there are 24 carrots in it.

"What do you want for birthday?" My girlfriend asked.

"Anal Sex."

"Haha, nice try, tell me something I can buy for you."

"Ok then, Anal sex with a prostitute."

Two guys were chatting in the hospital and the first one says.
"I'm in for an endoscopy, they are going to see what's going on down my throat, "what you in for?".

The second guy says "oh camera up the ass".
The other guy says "colonoscopy its called".

The other guy replies "Nope, camera up the ass, the wife caught me taking pictures of the neighbor's tits."

My boss said to me, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes," I replied, "it's Friday."

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
It’s simple.
I say "Have you put weight on ?"

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

I do my best writing on the toilet.

That’s why my jokes are shit.

This inspired me:-

I like to write dig jokes idea while picking my nose.

Deliciously rich goldmine.

This post has been edited by r2t2: Oct 8 2018, 04:44 PM

That awkward moment at a feminists picnic when they realize that no one made any sandwiches!

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built-in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.

The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I’m your sister-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a "guys only" trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

I've just broken the record for holding your breath underwater
- 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a girl in the swimming pool shouted: "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

I went to golf lessons with a professional instructor.

I hit a few balls and missed the green on every shot.

He said “I can see your problem you need to cut six inches off all your clubs”.

“Will that improve my game?” I asked.

“No but they’ll fit in the bin easier” He replied.

Sources tell me that Jose Mourinho still hasn’t managed to leave the Man Utd training ground due to a bus being parked over the exit...

and even when the bus has been moved, there's still the complication with the bodies thrown under the bus.

I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant.

People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!

I had a friend like that once.

He couldn't find his condoms and his girlfriend told him, her period hasn't arrived.

This post has been edited by allinuff: Jan 2 2019, 01:24 AM

I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified.

This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out.

As we plummeted he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

...so did you pee and make it rain below? LOL

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate.

If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate.


What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges?

My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.

So I invited seven midgets to join in.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: ‘Anthony Martial can emulate Cristiano Ronaldo.’
Oh Ole.
He’s black, but that doesn’t make him a rapist.

I just ordered my colleague a ‘hope you get better soon’ card.

She’s not ill.

Just rubbish at her job.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country.

It's what's INSIDE that counts.

I love you refrigerator

I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub.

My friend asked me how it went.
"Fucking brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex."

He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"