I was sat at the dining table with my grandparents when my grandma asked me.

"Have you found yourself a nice girlfriend yet? Such a waste, a nice handsome, young man like you."

"Well gran," I said "I'm actually seeing a girl I met on the internet."

"Oh that sounds like fun! Was that on one of those dating sites?"

"Erm, yeah something like that." I mumbled.

"What's the lucky lady's name then?" she asked.

"AnalSlut69!" I said.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

A young man was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

Best JOkes lol

I went to my doctor complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked me if I could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", I said. "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

On a menu, I saw "Golden Soup" listed.

I asked the waitress why it's called golden soup?

She said because there are 24 carrots in it.

"What do you want for birthday?" My girlfriend asked.

"Anal Sex."

"Haha, nice try, tell me something I can buy for you."

"Ok then, Anal sex with a prostitute."

Two guys were chatting in the hospital and the first one says.
"I'm in for an endoscopy, they are going to see what's going on down my throat, "what you in for?".

The second guy says "oh camera up the ass".
The other guy says "colonoscopy its called".

The other guy replies "Nope, camera up the ass, the wife caught me taking pictures of the neighbor's tits."

My boss said to me, "This is the fifth time this week that you've come to work late. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes," I replied, "it's Friday."

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
It’s simple.
I say "Have you put weight on ?"

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

I do my best writing on the toilet.

That’s why my jokes are shit.

This inspired me:-

I like to write dig jokes idea while picking my nose.

Deliciously rich goldmine.

This post has been edited by r2t2: Oct 8 2018, 04:44 PM

That awkward moment at a feminists picnic when they realize that no one made any sandwiches!

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built-in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.

The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I’m your sister-in-law."
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A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
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A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, "When you're on a "guys only" trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

I've just broken the record for holding your breath underwater
- 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a girl in the swimming pool shouted: "That's him, Daddy, over there!"