If you're going to argue publicly on a cellphone, be fair and turn the speakerphone on so everyone can hear both sides.

We call my alcoholic uncle the exorcist. Everytime he visits he rids the house of spirits.

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

Thinking that it would help his depression after his blunders in Kiev, Loris Karius visited an orphanage just to see kids who have no parents and are worse off than him.

He was shown an eight month old baby boy
who's parents had died in a car accident.

"Oh dear, that's tragic, may I hold him"? asked Karius

The nurse replied " No, you can fuck right off, this is a tiled floor"

I don't get it

The nurse is asking karius not to hold the baby as he might drop the baby on the floor

Karius is the goalkeeper for Liverpool who made 2 silly mistakes and let the goal in... Dropping the ball

ooohhh....
okey just googled his name.

A group of England supporters in Russia were in a bar one evening and were approached by a prostitute.

She said "Hello boys, I like the England players so much that I have tattoos of them on my thighs and if you can tell me who they are I will give you a free shag"

So she lifts her skirt and drops her knickers to reveal Harry Kane on her left thigh and Jack Buckland on the other, she lays back and said "Well boys who are they"?

One of the pissed supporters piped up "I don't know who those two are on your thighs, but that fucker in the middle with the black curly hair and thick lips looks like Danny Rose"

I was walking back from the pub last night when a police pulled up in his patrol car and asked where I was going.

I said "Well, I'm actually on my way to attend a lecture on the problems of staying out late in the pub, consuming too much alcohol and the dangers it poses to your general health."

The cop said "Who is giving this lecture?"

I replied "My fucking missus"

South Korea coach Shin Tae-yong has admitted he made players wear the wrong shirt number in a recent friendly, to confuse foreigners who "have trouble distinguishing Asians".

Sweden's manager Janne Andersson said: "I don't know why Jackie Chan is getting involved."

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burned'....


..fucking firemen.

I went into a women's changing room today and forced everyone to act as if they wanted me there

Just like a female football pundit.

"He used me for sex"

No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

You lot clearly know nothing about football tactics.

The England's plan now will be to lose against Columbia so the team will be fully rested in time for 2022...

No wonder Japan was walking around in the final 15mins vs Poland ... it's not that they purposely do that becoz of strategy / tactics ... it's becoz they don't know how to play already in the end.
Same thing with vs Belgium.

The young Thai footballers have been told they will need to learn to dive in order to escape from the caves.

Neymar saintly said he will be on his way to teach them as soon as Brazil get knocked out of the World Cup.

He'll be rolling all the way to Thailand.

https://www.malaysiakini.com/news/432936

Went to a friend's funeral last week who died of drowning
Some of the guests got a bit hostile with me because I turned up with a wreath in the shape of a rubber life ring.

I said "It's what he would have wanted"

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?