I went to golf lessons with a professional instructor.

I hit a few balls and missed the green on every shot.

He said “I can see your problem you need to cut six inches off all your clubs”.

“Will that improve my game?” I asked.

“No but they’ll fit in the bin easier” He replied.

Sources tell me that Jose Mourinho still hasn’t managed to leave the Man Utd training ground due to a bus being parked over the exit...

and even when the bus has been moved, there's still the complication with the bodies thrown under the bus.

I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant.

People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!

I had a friend like that once.

He couldn't find his condoms and his girlfriend told him, her period hasn't arrived.

This post has been edited by allinuff: Jan 2 2019, 01:24 AM

I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified.

This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out.

As we plummeted he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

...so did you pee and make it rain below? LOL

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate.

If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate.


What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges?

My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.

So I invited seven midgets to join in.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: ‘Anthony Martial can emulate Cristiano Ronaldo.’
Oh Ole.
He’s black, but that doesn’t make him a rapist.

I just ordered my colleague a ‘hope you get better soon’ card.

She’s not ill.

Just rubbish at her job.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country.

It's what's INSIDE that counts.

I love you refrigerator

I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub.

My friend asked me how it went.
"Fucking brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex."

He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

My daughter was asking her mother how to make her breasts larger,

"Don't worry about it, mine are small, you don't need large breasts to attract a man, " she said.

"Yes I know that mum, " she answered, "but look who you ends up with."

Tell the Punchline first.


How do you ruin a joke?

ME: Whats the Wifi password?

BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: I'll have a coke.
BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?

ME: Sure...how much is that?
BARTENDER: $5.

ME: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces and all lowercase.

The wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most?... I said "Open your legs and I will show you"...

...So I nutmegged her.

-------------------------------------------------

My friend thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

-------------------------------------------

It's ridiculous to say that dressing like a slut will get you raped.

I tried it last night and I just got the shit kicked out of me.


---------------------------------------------


Mother and young girl sat in a park. The mother seems unhappy and distant (her marriage is slowly failing) the girl starts asking questions.
“Mummy do you love daddy ?” No answer
“Mummy does daddy love you ?” Again no answer.
“Mummy, daddy says you are an alcoholic, what is an alcoholic ?”
At this the mother decides to answer the questions.
“Darling, you see those two ducks over there, an alcoholic would see four”
“But Mummy, there is only one duck there !”

Fragrant pens.
Pink papers.
Two years.

Only the dustbin knows how much she loves him.

I now know that heaven is standing in front of a church, with the white dressed woman you love looking gorgeous on the wedding altar.

Although, it would be better if I weren’t the best man.