"Your son just called me an old cow" said my neighbour.

"That's disgraceful" I said "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance".

After sex last night my girlfriend said “your easily the biggest I've ever had.”.

Apparently “ditto” wasn't the correct response!

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’

Some damn salty jokes here haha!

Today is international women’s day.

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready

Husband: Call ambulance, fast ! I am having heart attack...

Wife (Took his mobile): Quick! Tell me the password!

Husband: It's ok ! I am feeling better now.

*First woman on the Moon:*

Woman: Houston, we have a problem
Tech team: What?
Woman: Never mind

TT: What's the problem?
Woman: Nothing

TT: Please tell us?
Woman: You know the problem

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked,

"How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

Interviewer: "Describe yourself in three words."

Me: "Efficient."

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.


I asked my mum if by any chance I was adopted, she replied "hilarious, why on earth would we have chosen you?"

Kek....it is that day of the month.
Menstruation time.

I walked into a florist today and said
"I want a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

The cashier looked at me and said, "What are you after?"

I said, "Some sex."

I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry.

And informing me they are not a Dating agency.

Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.

Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures.

The Devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven V Hell.

God says, “We’ll win hands down. All the greatest players who ever lived are up here.”

The devil replies, “But I’ve got all the referees and linesmen.”

Passive aggressive is best

My local council says I should recycle as much as possible.


So I joined /k.

▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ►


Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos!

A change of joke type ... from wordplay to pictograph.

Elections eh......

I was in the walking with my dog and I said to this guy,

"Which way are you going to vote?"

"The old party," he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman. "Which way are you going vote? " I asked.

"The old party, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked.
"Reformation!" he said. With that my dog bit him.

Apparently, my dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.