A visit to the doctor


Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him.
As soon as they enter the doctor’s office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
Benny’s hearing was not as good as it used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he wanted?"
Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."

The surprise visit

Melvyn was a very likeable person and his quick wittedness had served him well in business – he was now a financial director in the City. One day his wife Rebecca was shopping close by his office and decided to pay him a surprise visit. But when she got there and opened his door, she was shocked to find him sitting at his desk with his secretary in his lap. Melvyn looked up at her and without hesitating dictated: -
”And in conclusion, gentlemen, whether we have budget cuts or not, there is absolutely no way I can continue to run my office effectively with just one desk and chair.”

Another drunk driver accident joke


One night a guy and a girl were driving home from the movies. The boy sensed there was something wrong because of the painful silence they shared between them that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over because she wanted to talk.

She told him that her feelings had changed and that it was time to move on. A silent tear slid down his cheek as he slowly reached into his pocket and passed her a folded note. At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down that very same street. He swerved right into the drivers seat, killing the boy. Miraculously, the girl survived.

Remembering the note, she pulled it out and read it.

"Without your love, I would die."

Black humor. Nice one.

err.....is this supposed to be joke?

LOL!!!!

Failed Booty Call


A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home

Hahaha oh wow, that caught me off guard...

A choice of swimwear

Howard and his wife Becky are soon going on holiday and are doing some shopping for clothes. As they pass the ladies swimwear department, Becky says to Howard, "Darling, what do you think I should do? It’s been at least 10 years since I last bought any swimwear. I know I’ve put on some weight since then but I do need to buy something new for our holiday. So do you think I should go for a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"I think you should get a bikini," replies Howard, "because I don’t think you would get it all in one."
NOTE: Howard is hoping his black eye will heal before they go on holiday

+1

Free Sex Contestants


Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

reposta la misfit

me old jor la..........

GOOD EATS



A woman plays bridge every Tuesday night. After a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she returns home to fix dinner for her husband, who usually arrives late from work.

One Tuesday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time."

She dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand left on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, nothing in the fridge but a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a partially used can of cat food. In a panic, she dumps the cat food on a plate, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf, just as her husband is pulling up.

She watches in panic as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, yum!" And that night, they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Tuesday from then on, and even some of the other nights, she made this dinner for her husband. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.

Two months later, her husband died.

Tuesday after the funeral, her bridge friends attacked the new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle while he was licking his rear.

Maurice, aged 75, visits his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. All tests come back with good results. When Maurice later on steps back into the office to discuss those results, his doctor says that he's in great physical shape. "How are you doing mentally and emotionally, Maurice?" his doctor asks. "Are you pleased with your life, how is your relation to God?

Maurice says : "I've got a superb connection with God. He knows my eyes ain't the best anymore and when I got up tonight to take a pee, he made sure the lights went on when I needed to go and it turned itself back off when I was done."

"Wow, that's quite amazing" the doctor replies. Later that day, he calls Rose, Maurice's wife. "Maurice is in excellent physical shape, but I wanted to ask you some questions about his relation to God. Is it true that when he needs to go take a leak at night, that the lights go on and off automatically?".

"Goddamn! That old fart has been peeing in the fridge again!"

LoL.. Some are really funny..

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Added on November 1, 2008, 7:42 pmWow!! how many jokes you got man..

This post has been edited by Lexfromhotmail: Nov 1 2008, 07:42 PM

i LOL-ed.

My relationship joke with Toto T_T