what you need is a .22 caliber anti-depressant

Adam and Rachael have a wonderful night, classy dinner, dance, and a walk in the park.

When Adam walked Rachael home, Rachael said to Adam

"I have a wonderful night tonight, just as wonderful as always, but sadly, I think we should stop going out anymore."

Adam was surprised,

"Why?"
"Because I have to foot the bill everytime!"

A duck walked into a salon and asked the manager if he had any grapes...

The salon manager said "no.. this is a salon silly... we don't sell grapes here"...

The duck looked worried and turned around and walked out...

A few moments later the duck walked back into the salon and asked the manager "Do you have any grapes" and gave a big grin...

The manager looked confused and said "No... We don't have any grapes..."

The duck then again walked out with a strange look on his face...

A few moments later the duck walked in and asked "Have any grapes" with another grin on his face...

The manager was tired of it and yelled "NO... I DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! AND IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE AND ASK FOR GRAPES AGAIN I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!!"

The duck ran out and sat outside for a while...

He walked back into the salon...

The manager stormed up to the duck and said "WHAT?!"

And the duck asked "Got any nails?"

"NO! I don't have any nails" the manager said

So the duck said "Got any grapes"...

eh.... auntie reposta!
ok ok.. new avatar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new joke

Cassie 

When I was growing up me and my best friend Jacob were inseparable. I always thought of him as just a friend until I was about 15 and I started to notice his beautiful baby blue eyes. Then I started to realize more. Like how hot he was and the way he talked to me. I soon fell in love with him and was hoping he felt the same way. When I was going to finally tell him how I felt, that was when he introduced me to his new girl friend. That’s when I knew he didn’t feel the same way. I started dating too but I never loved any of them the way I loved Jacob. During our senior year neither me nor Jacob had dated any one, because of that Jacob asked me to the senior prom. As friends of course. I said yes and went out and bought a new dress. He showed up wearing this hot tux and had even bought me courage. On the way to the prom he pulled over and looked at me and said (I rember this like it was yesterday)"Kassie I know we have been friends for years and I don’t want to lose that but there is something I need to tell you. I think I’m in LOVE with you. No I know I am. I have loved you since I was 14. I know you problem don’t fell the same way but I needed to tell you that." I was in shock I wanted to answer but I couldn’t. He started to drive with this sad look on his face. When I finally belt up the courage to talk all I could say was "Jacob" he looked at me for a split second when it happened. There was a car speeding down the street heading straight at us I screamed and that is the last thing I rember. The car had hit us and Jacob had thrown himself on top of me. Jacob had died trying to do something to save me. The doctors say that if he hadn’t done that I would probly be dead too. Jacob had loved me way more then I had loved him. The last thing I saw of him was his blue eyes felled with tears as he threw him self on to me. I love you Jacob and now I guess you know that.

Another drunk driver accident joke
One night a guy and a girl were driving home from the movies. The boy sensed there was something wrong because of the painful silence they shared between them that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over because she wanted to talk.

She told him that her feelings had changed and that it was time to move on. A silent tear slid down his cheek as he slowly reached into his pocket and passed her a folded note. At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down that very same street. He swerved right into the drivers seat, killing the boy. Miraculously, the girl survived.

Remembering the note, she pulled it out and read it.

"Without your love, I would die."

Failed Booty Call
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home

Wow.. This topic is Awesome!!... aLittleMisfit will be legen.. wait-for-it.. dary!! Legendary..   

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered ! and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? "

"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."..