OMFG!! this is freaking hilarious!!! wuahahahahahahah!!! this made my day.. lol!

>Marriage Life Before and After !!
>
>Before marriage.
>Darling here.. darling there...
>After marriage.
>Baling here... baling there..
>
>Before marriage.
>I die for you. . .
>After marriage.
>"You die, up to you. "
>Lagi lama married.
>You die I help you!
>
>Before marriage.
>You go anywhere. . I follow you.
>After marriage. .
>You go anywhere. . up to you .
>Lagi lama married.
>You go anywhere better get lost!!
>
>Before wedding
>you are my heart, you are my love"
>After wedding
>"you get on my nerves. "
>
>Before wedding
>"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
>After wedding
>"you are worse than godzila"
>
>Before wedding
>Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
>After wedding
>Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
>
>Before wedding
>Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
>After wedding
>You want to go, he says you wait-la
>
>Before wedding
>She looks like Anita Sarawak
>After wedding
>Don't know whether katak or biawak

saw this b4..nice 1.

---

Added on August 21, 2007, 9:16 amNight Prayers

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
Told her a story and listened to her prayers
Which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and Good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say Good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,
Which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God Bless daddy and Good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh my gosh", thought the father.
This kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say:
"God bless mommy and Good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day.
Had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be ok.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day,
He stayed there, drinking coffee
Looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"



This post has been edited by Predator10: Aug 21 2007, 09:16 AM

Made in Japan


A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.

The following is their conversation on the way to the airport .

A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....

Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan!
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.

Driver: yah....

After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.

Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia

Driver: yah....yah...

After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !

Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia

Driver: yah...yah...yah....!

Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.

Jap: How much?

Driver: RM150/-

Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !

Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....
very fast!.... Made in Japan!

That was supposed to be German tourist in the USA

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound
left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints
and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking
him gently. The big guy says, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" In a shaky, weak
voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude
says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds ,
I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds , my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Turner Brown! .Thank goodness, I thought you said, "Turn Around"!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

" Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

nice 1..

Kalau Sampai Ipoh

Suatu hari, seorang ibu menghantar anaknya yang baru berusia 5 tahun

menaiki bas ekspres Kuala Lumpur-Kangar.



Ibu itu berpesan pd pemandu bas



"encik,, tolong tengok kan ank saya
ya.nnt kalau sudah smpai di Ipoh


..cakap pada anak saya."



Sepanjang perjalanan si anak ini cerewet sekali. Setiap minit dia akan

bertanya pada penumpang di sebelahnya..." Sudah sampai
w:st="on">Ipoh
belom?"



Hari mulai malam dan anak itu masih terus bertanya-tanya.Penumpang

disebelahnya menjawab..."Tido je la... Belom sampai lagi ni...Nnt kalau

dah sampai, saya kejutkan!"



Tapi si anak tidak mahu diam... dia pergi ke depan dan bertanya pada

pemandu untu kesekian kalinya, " Pakcik, sudah smpai
w:st="on">Ipoh
ke belom?"



Pemandu yang sudah keletihan menjawap soalan itu berkata...



"Belom! Tidur aja la! Nnt kalau dah sampai kat
w:st="on">Ipoh
, pasti

dikejutkan..!



Kali ini si anak tidak bertanya lagi, dia tertidur nyenyak sekali.



Kerana suara si anak tidak kedengaran lagi...semua org di dalam bas lupa



pada si anak, sehingga ketika sampai di Ipoh
...tidak ada seorang pun

yang membangunkannya.



Hinggalah melepasi Alor Setar...si anak masih tertidur dan tidak

bangun-bangun.



Tersedarlah si pemandu yang dia lupa membangunkan si anak.Lalu dia

betanya pada para penumpang...



"Encik-encik dan puan-puan sekalian...bagaimana ni... perlukah kita

hantar semula anak ini?



Para penumpang pun merasa bersalah kerana turut melupakan si anak dan

setuju menghantar si anak kembali ke Ipoh
....Maka berpatah kembalilah

rombongan bas itu menuju ke Ipoh
....



Sesampai di Ipoh si anak dibangunkan.



Si anak bangun dan berkata...



" Oh, sudah sampai ya!"



lalu si anak pun membuka beg pakaiannya dan mengeluarkan nasi

bungkusnya...



Seluruh penumpang kehairanan.... "Bukankah kamu hendak turun di
w:st="on"> Ipoh
?"

tanya pemandu kebingungan.



" tidaklah...mama saya pesan...kalau sudah sampai di
w:st="on">Ipoh
...saya boleh

makan nasi bungkus ni!"

fix ur tatabahasa plz.. alot of broken typo

Subject: Why British think 80% of M'sians coming to UK to study law?


UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.


*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

hahahahaha thats a good one....

After some hard work, finally Ah Keat can get blow with his dream angel... During that night, after some hard core exercise, they tired and both on the bed. His dream angel lie on his body with busy hand...
Ah Keat :"Why u so like to play my birdy?"
Girls:"Yes, my dear, its make me think of my birdy few years ago..."
Ah Keat:"What the..."

I really like e-mail jokes, i will post if i got a new one later.

# just got it today
# ------------------

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

---

Added on September 25, 2007, 3:42 amThe head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.

The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to
hang the blinds ?"

---

Added on September 25, 2007, 3:43 amA soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to
go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

---

Added on September 25, 2007, 7:29 amActual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):


Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared. "
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!! !"


This post has been edited by the_catacombs: Sep 25 2007, 07:29 AM

A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk down the street and back?"

Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."

The little girl replied," no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I take her for a walk"

Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"

What does that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle was on heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."

As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which wasn't going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what on heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed, thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once down the street and back again."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the leash, and no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Kisah Tiga Pontianak

Pada satu malam 3 ekor pontinak sedang bertenggek di atas pokok sambil
bergaduh tentang kehebatan masing-masing.Ketiga-tiga mengaku diri
mereka
hebat.Untuk menentukan siapa paling hebat mereka pun cuba membuktikan
ke
hebatan masing-masing.

Pontianak A terbang dengan sepantas kilat.10 saat kemudian balik semula
ke
pokok tersebut.Kelihatan ada kesan-kesan darah di sekitar gigi
Pontianak A.

Pontianak A : Korang nampak rumah tu
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak A : Satu rumah tu habis aku kerjakan.

Pontianak B pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak A. 5 saat kemudian
balik semula ke pokok tersebeut.Kelihatan ada darah bukan setakat pada
gigi,malah pada keseluruhan mulut pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak B : Korang nampak kampung tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Habis satu kampung tu aku kerjakan.

Sejurus lepas itu Pontianak C pula terbang lebih pantas dari Pontianak
A dan
B .Dalam masa 2 saat je dia kembali ke pokok tersebut.Kelihatan darah
mengalir-ngalir bukan sahaja pada mulut,malah pada keseluruhan muka
pontianak tersebut.

Pontianak C : Korang nampak tembok kat hujung sana tu
Pontianak A : Nampak!
Pontianak B : Nampak!
Pontianak C : Err...tadi aku tak nampak...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kisah Cinta Azura Dan Zack

Azura dan Zack bersahabat sejak dari kecil.. Azura dan Zack saling cinta mencintai..

Setelah Besar... Zack melanjutkan pelajaran ke US dan Azura hanyalah seorang pengaggur..

Tetapi mereka terus berhubung surat dan telefon..hinggalah 2 tahun kemudian...Zack tidak lagi menghantar sebarang berita...Azura bersedih dan selalu berdoa agar hati Zack tidak berubah...Setelah lebih 5 tahun...barulah Zack mengirimkankan satu surat dan minta agar Azura menjemputnya di Lapangan Terbang...Azura sangat gembira dan merasakan Zack masih menyintainya...

Semasa menunggu Zack di lapangan terbang... Tiba-tiba bahu Azura di tepuk seseorang.

Dan ternyata orang itu adalah seorang gadis yang putih, tinggi, seksi dan berbaju
biru ketat. "Kamu Azura kan?" tanya gadis Cun itu... lantas menyambung...
"Kenalkan aku Zakiah....Aku ingin memberitahu bahawa engkau tidak akan bertemu lagidengan Jack. Lupakanlah dia....." tegas gadis tersebut Azura pucat dan hendak menangis... "Pompuan tak guna.. dah kau rampas Zack dari aku.. kau sakitkan hati ku lagi..." marah Azura..

Tiba-tiba gadis itu tersenyum dan menepuk bahu Azura dan berkata.... "Bawa bertenang... ini akulah Zack! nama baruku Zakiah.. Auwwww"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Kawan Berlagak, padan muka

tesebutlah kisah, 2 sahabat. Sye dan Pie. Sye ni suka berlagak alim. padahal x alim mana de. Pie pulak biasa je bila kena malukan depan kengkawan pasal hal agama camni. satu hari tu, diorang tengah baca satu buku sama-sama. tiba-tiba ada pulak sorang mamat ni rampas buku tu dari diorang.Pie ni mula ilang sabar dan menjerit. B**I betul!!!!! satu kelas pandang diorang. Sye pun mulalah berlagak alim."Dahlah tu Pie. aku lagi berdoa, mintak dengan tuhan x nak dengar perkataan -perkataan terkutuk tu, kau lagi sebut kuat-kuat kat sebelah telinga aku." jadi semua orang cuma tersenyum sinis memandang Pie. akhirnya, Pie dah fed up dengan dak Sye ni, dengan suara yang lantang, dia menyebut
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"itu maknaya tuhan x terima doa kau."

kini, satu kelas ketawa melihat orang yang selama ni memang suka berlagak dituimpaskan oleh besfren nyer sendiri.

DEMIKIANLAH ADANYA.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cerita Dari Jepun

Pada suatu ketika di Jepun hiduplah seorang lelaki yang sederhana, namanya Oda. Ia memiliki seorang isteri yang sangat cantik dan sangat disayanginya.

Namun sang isteri mempunyai perangai yang buruk, iaitu teramat cerewet sekali.

Selain itu sang isteri tersebut juga suka mengumpat dan bercakap dengan kuat hingga boleh menyakitkan telinga. Jiran tetangga tidak mahu dekat dengannya. Sebenarnya, Oda sangat menyayangi isterinya itu, tapi para tetangganya yang merasa terganggu menghasut Oda supaya meninggalkan isterinya itu.

Akhirnya Oda pun termakan kata-kata tetangganya. Ia berfikir bagaimana cara untuk melenyapkan isterinya dari muka bumi.

Suatu hari Oda mengajak isterinya berjalan-jalan ke kuil tua di tengah hutan. Ketika melalui bahagian belakang kuil tersebut, Oda melihat sebuah perigi buta yang tak digunakan lagi. Maka ia berpura-pura mengajak isterinya melihat burung di pohon besar dekat perigi itu. Lantas dengan pantas Oda menolak isterinya itu masuk ke perigi.

Sepuluh minit pertama Oda merasa sangat bahagia kerana sepanjang hidupnya baru kali ini ia merasakan suasana yang begitu tenang tanpa celoteh isterinya.

Sepuluh minit kedua, Oda mulai merasa sepi juga karena tidak biasa dengan kesunyian.

Akhirnya sepuluh minit ketiga dengan rasa ragu-ragu Oda kembali menuju perigi buta tersebut. Ia menurunkan tali timba dan berteriak menyuruh isterinya naik.

Begitu terkejutnya Oda ketika yang naik bukan isterinya melainkan makhluk menyeramkan dengan bulu lebat di seluruh tubuhnya, dialah makhluk penunggu perigi buta itu.

Oda lantas bertanya, "Kenapa kamu yang naik??"

Lantas makhluk itu pun dengan wajah pucat ketakutan menjawab, "Aku takut la, di bawah tu ada manusia... dah la cakap kuat cerewet pulak tu..."