History Repeated

Year 1981

=========

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

3. Pope Died.



Year 2005

=========

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)

3. Pope Died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or Liverpool needs
another European crown ... please warn the Pope!


.... POOR POPE....!!!!!! ***

Every time Bee Hoon sees Maggie Mee,
he will tell her: "I don't like you; I hate you and don't wish to see you again!"
And, every time Maggie Mee will ignore him and walk away.

After months, Bee Hoon came across Spaghetti, who came from Italy.
Bee Hoon got very angry when he saw her.
Can you guess what Bee Hoon said to Spaghetti?


Give you 10 seconds to think and scroll down......
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> > >

This is what Bee Hoon said to Spaghetti:
"Maggie Mee!! Don't think that I can't recognise you!
You've gone for Rebonding"!!! Get Lost!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man can go two weeks without eating. But if he doesn't rest at all,
he can only survive for one week. Sleeping provides us the time to rest
our internal organs, eyes and brains. Poor sleep quality can cause
internal damage to our internal organs and brains. Therefore, sleeping is
very important to us. If you wish to have a long life and stay healthy,
please take note of the advice below.


5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if
you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects
on your health.

DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than
12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without
it.

DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not
encouraged.
Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the
phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items
including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These
waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to
put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long
run.
Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in
breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go
into deep sleep.

DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE
You may never wake up again.



This post has been edited by leinnz: Aug 11 2005, 02:21 PM

------------------------Good Manners -------------------------------
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions
the students,one by one.

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice
young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very
nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I
have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..............

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told him, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for just $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker was surprised and asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Got it!!!

The term man means universal
That is men and women.

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Septic tank truck sign reads:
We're #1 in the #2 business.

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

At a proctologist's door
To expedite your visit please back in.

On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?

At a laundry shop:
How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.

In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

In a nonsmoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.

On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a propane filling station,
Tank heaven for little grills.

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak

This post has been edited by leinnz: Aug 25 2005, 04:26 PM

This is a list of common words used in offices. Figure out what these
really mean:

1) For your information, please. (FYI)
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) Noted.
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3) Review and comment.
Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4) Action please.
Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5) For your necessary action.
It's your headache now.

6) Copy to.
Here's a share of the headache.

7) For your approval, please.
Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8) Action is being taken.
Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

9) Your letter is receiving our attention.
We are still trying to figure out what you want.

10) Please discuss.
I don't know what this is, so please brief me.

11) For your immediate action.
Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.

12) Please reply soon.
Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13) We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant
authorities.
They are causing the delay, not us.

14) Regards.
Thanks for reading all the bullshit ..

This post has been edited by leinnz: Aug 30 2005, 01:37 PM

Seorang CEO ingin mencari eksekutif baru dalam syarikatnya. Dari beribu
permohonan, hanya empat yang betul-betul menarik perhatiannya.
Bagaimanapun
beliau tidak dapat memilih antara keempat-empat orang calon
tersebut, lantas memanggil kesemuanya untuk ditemuduga ( beliau
tidak sekaya Donald Trump untuk menganjurkan temuduga seperti The Apprentice ).

Setelah keempat-empat calon berada di hadapan beliau, CEO tadi
pun mula berkata " Saya ada satu soalan yang mungkin memberi jawapan
berbeza, calon yang memberikan jawapan terbaik akan diterima untuk bekerja di sini"
"Soalannya adalah apakah perkara atau benda yang paling pantas
sekali? "tanya CEO tersebut.


Calon pertama berkata " FIKIRAN , kerana kadang ianya datang sendiri tanpa kita sedari "

" Bagus , satu jawapan yang baik " kata CEO tadi. " Kamu pula ? "
tanyanya kepada calon kedua.

" KELIP MATA , kerana tanpa kita sedari , sebelum sempat kita
buat apa pun,
mata kita dah berkelip " jawab calon kedua.

" Satu jawapan yang sangat baik , lagipun perumpamaan melayu pun
ada sebut SEKELIP MATA melambangkan kepantasan " kata CEO itu. " Bagaimana kamu pula ? " tanya CEO kepada calon ketiga.


" Kalau kita tengok, lampu KLCC dihidupkan dengan pantas walaupun
bangunan tu tinggi. Jadi saya rasa MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU adalah
paling pantas "
jawab calon ketiga.


" Jawapan yang terhebat setakat ni. Bagaimana pula dengan kamu ? "
CEO terus mengusulkan soalan kepada calon keempat dengan merasakan
calon ketiga hampir pasti menjadi eksekutif baru di syarikatnya
dengan jawapan yang
sangat bagus sebentar tadi.

" Setelah diteliti jawapan calon-calon sebelum saya ni tadi, saya
rasa
perkara yang paling pantas sekali adalah CIRIT-BIRIT " jawab
calon keempat dengan yakin sekali.


" Haaa...???? CIRIT-BIRIT ???? Kamu ni tak serius langsung,
macamana kamu boleh mintak kerja dengan syarikat saya ni ? " CEO
terkejut dengan jawapan calon keempat tadi.


"Begini tuan, malam kelmarin saya terjaga di tengah malam dengan
rasa sakit perut yang amat sangat. Belum sempat saya FIKIR ,
KELIP MATA atau MENGHIDUPKAN LAMPU, benda tu dah
terkeluar dah.............."

Calon keempat diterima menjadi eksekutif baru syarikat
berkenaan..............

Hehehehehhe........................

read on


Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
some
other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

------ Bunuh Diri ------

Seorang anak muda duduk di sebuah bar. Dia menatap hampa pada gelas
minuman. Dia melakukan hal itu kurang lebih satu jam lamanya.Kemudian,
datanglah seorang ganster, merebut gelas minuman orang itu dengan kasar,
lalu segera meneguknya sampai habis.Dan tiba-tiba anak muda itu menangis
tersedu-sedu...
 
Gangster itu terkejut, menepuk bahunya dan berkata,"Hei, anak muda, saya
kan cuma bergurau. Mari saya belikan minuman lainnya. Saya tidak suka
melihat seorang lelaki bersikap manja seperti ini." "Bukan, bukan itu
masalahnya. Hari ini adalah hari paling malang. Pertama, aku baru saja
membuat syarikatku rugi 10 juta, boss memarahiku dan aku baru saja dipecat.
Kedua, ketika hendak pulang, kenderaanku hilang dicuri orang. Kata polis,
mereka tidak boleh buat apa-apa, Ketiga, aku terpaksa pulang naik taksi.
Tapi, dompetku tertinggal didalam taksi itu dan akhirnya hilang.Keempat,
ketika membuka pintu rumah, istriku ternyata sedang berlaku curang dengan
kawanku sendiri...
 
Dan di bar ini... aku berpikir untuk bunuh diri saja.Tapi, Anda baru saja
merebut gelas minumanku, yang telah kuisi dengan racun...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

------ Termos --------
Suatu pagi seorang gadis membawa termos singgah di sebuah kedai kopi untuk
membeli minuman sebagai bekalan kepejabatnya.
 
Gadis:"Encik, rasa-rasanya berapa cawan air boleh diisi kedalam termos
saya?"
 
Pelayan: "Saya rasa mungkin tujuh cawan."
 
Gadis: "Baiklah.....Bagi saya dua cawan teh,empat cawan kopi susu dan satu
cawan kopi tanpa gula.
 
Pelayan: aaa...?????
---------------------------------------------------

------- Orang Kampung -------
Pada satu hari Bedah dan bapanya datang ke Kuala Lumpur dan pergi ke
shopping mall... Anak beranak nie baru first time datang Kuala Lumpur, sebelum nie asyik dok memerap kat kampung...

Jalan punya jalan, akhirnya Bedah terpandang lif, lalu dia pun tanyalah bapak dia....
" Pak, itu amenda pak?"
Bapak menjawab," Entah lah nak....bapak pun baru kali ini nampak menatang tuh...."
 
Tak lama lepas tu seorang nyonya tua terbongkok-bongkok, tergigil-tergigil pergi ke dinding dan menekan butang lif tersebut.....lif pun terbuka lalu nyonya masuk ke dalam lif dan lif tertutup.....tidak lama kemudian lif terbuka...TINGGGG!!!!!

Keluarlah seorang amoi yang punyalah cun cam SHANIA TWAIN...
lantas berkatalah bapak si bedah kepada Bedah...
 
"NAK! KAU PERGI AMBIK EMAK KAMU BAWAK KEMARI,
KITA MASUKKAN DIA DALAM GUA AJAIB NIH....CEPAT
-----------------------------------------------------------------

------- Telefon ---------
Seorang ayah mempunyai anak gadis yang kerjanya menggunakan telefon. Setiap kali menerima telefon pasti anaknya itu akan berbual sampai 5 jam tanpa henti.. Entah apa yang dibualkan pun tak tahulah...

Suatu hari.. anak gadisnya menerima panggilan telefon dan bergegas mengangkatnya.. ayahnya mengeluh kerana sudah pasti 5 jam lagi baru selesai... Tapi.. Alangkah terkejutnya.. apabila anaknya itu cuma berbual selama 2 JAM bukan 5 Jam
seperti biasa...

"Tunggu sekejap.... Siapa yang talefon tu?" tanya ayahnya kehairanan..

"Tak tahu la ayah... salah Nombor! " jawab anaknya sambil tersengih..
----------------------------------------------------------

------- Penjual Roti ------
Seorang penjual roti di langgar sebuah bas. Akibatnya, dia tercampak dari motor rotinya dan masuk ke dalam longkang..
 
Sementara itu rotinya bertaburan di atas jalan.. Sambil menyapu darah yang mengalir dari kepalanya.. dia terus merintih kesakitan.
 
Tak lama kemudian datanglah pihak polis menghampirinya dan bertanya..
 
"Ada apa encik..? Ada apa ?"
 
Dengan suara yang perlahan dan dengan merintih kesakitan.. penjual roti itu berkata,

"Adaaaaaa rotii kejuuuuuuu ... Adaaaaaa rotii coklaaaattt ..."
 
Polis "?????***"
----------------------------------

This post has been edited by leinnz: Sep 21 2005, 06:07 PM

------- Jualan Murah -------Satu hari... sebuah gedung mengadakan jualan murah.. berpusu-pusu orang ramai ingin memasuki gedung tersebut... sehingga ada yang beratur seawal2nya... walaupun gedung tersebut dibuka pada waktu 8.30pg.
 
Seorang lelaki dengan selambanya berjalan menuju ke depan... malangnya sebelum sempat sampai... tiba-tiba seorang lelaki didepannya menolaknya kebelakang sambil memarahi...
 
"woi..tak nampak ke orang !! jerkahnya..
 
"Sedap..Sedap jer nak potong line orang.. "...
 
Lelaki tersebut bangun semula..dan cuba menuju kedepan semula.. malangnya dia ditumbuk sehingga terjatuh... setelah beberapa kali mencuba utk kebarisan depan... tapi tak berjaya... akhirnya dengan nada marah.. dia berkata...
 
"Ahhhhh kalau kali nie aku tak dapat gak kedepan sana... jangan harap aku nak bukakan kedai tu..!!"
 
Laaaaaaaaaa... Tokey kedai rupanyer... hehehe
kesian dia kan????
-----------------------------------------------------------

-------- Senaman -------
Che'gu Nasyor sedang mengendali kelasnya dalam aktiviti sukan di padang sekolah. Seperti biasa, Che'gu Nasyor akan menyuruh murid²nya melakukan regangan otot. Tiba di satu bahagian, dimana murid² baring dan mengankat kaki lalu menggerakkannya seperti sedang mengayuh  basikal.
 
Che'gu Nasyor asyik memerhati seorang muridnya yang pada mulanya  menggerakkan kakinya tiba² memberhentikan kakinya. Lalu Che'gu Nasyor menyergah muridnya yang bernama Man Tapah.
 
"Woiiii Man, apa sebab kau berhenti ni hah"
 
"Oh Che'gu Nasyor, basikal saya tengah turun bukit Che'gu,
sebab tu saya berhenti. Takkan nak kayuh jugak.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

------- Syurga -------
Waktu sekolah telah tamat.sebelum keluar kelas, Che'gu Nasyor telah bertanya kpd murid²nya. 
 
Che'gu : Siapa nak masuk/pergi syurga?
 
Semua murid mengangkat tangan kecuali! Man Tapah lalu Che'gu Nasyor pun berkata,
 
Che'gu : Man, kenapa awak tak nak pergi/masuk syurga?
 
Man : Mak saya kata lepas habis sekolah, terus balik
rumah.. jangan pergi  mana-mana.
---------------------------------------------------

-------- Tepung -----------------
Che'gu Nasyor sedang mengajar Bahasa Melayu dalam kelas 1 Mawar...
 
Che'gu :Man, boleh kamu buat ayat dengan menggunakan  perkataan tepong?

Man :Itu senang saja cikgu.. ayatnya ialah.... emak sedang membuat kek di  dapur.

Che'gu :Mana tepungnya??
Man :Tepong kan ke dalam kek tu.... Che'gu nie tak sekolah ke hape??
-------------------------------------------------

-------- Sembahyang ---------------------
Seperti biasa, Che'gu Nasyor nie mengajar pelajar di Sekolah Agama. Che'gu Nasyor mengajar budak tahun satu. Pada hari  tersebut, beliau mengajar bab "cara berwudhuk"  Selepas mengajar, beliau (Che'gu) selalu meminta muridnya bertanyakan  soalan jika terdapat kemusykilan.

Che'gu : Ada sesiapa hendak bertanyakan soalan?
 
Tiba² seorang anak muridnye mengangkat tangan, nama murid tu adalah Man Tapah.
 
Man : Ada Che'gu. saya ada satu kemusykilan. Boleh tak kita ambil wudhuk  dua kali?

Che'gu : Boleh, tapi kenapa sampai dua kali ambil wudhuk?

Man : Saya ambil dua kali sebab kalau saya terkentut,  wudhuk lagi satu tu boleh buat spare part!
 
Che'gu : Allahhuakbarr!!!
--------------------------------------------------

------ Educated --------
-Seorang pegembara ditangkap di orang asli di sebuah pedalaman. Mereka hendak memasak lemak gulai dan memakan daging pengembara tersebut. Tiba-tiba datang chief orang asli yang fasih berbahasa Inggeris.

Anda nampaknya berpelajaran tinggi dan mahir berbahasa inggeris... kata pengembara. "tapi Anda masih memakan daging manusia?"

"Ya.." jawab ketua orang asli itu, "tapi sekarang saya menggunakan pisau dan garpu."
------------------------------------------------

-------- Wad ---------
Ada sorang makcik kelantan nih, dia mai HKL nak carik sedara dia eksiden. Sampai  kat HKL dia tanya la sorang nurse kat situ...dalam loghat kelantan la.

"nak tupe tanyo, mana dio wad kecemase"

Nurse tu selamba jer jawab...

"wad kencing masam takde....wad kencing manis ader la"..
--------------------------------------------------------------------










This post has been edited by leinnz: Sep 21 2005, 06:05 PM

STRAIGHT-TALKING BIRDS

A woman approaches her priest and tells him: "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some
fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims. "But I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. My parrots will teach you parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman exclaims.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. His two male parrots are holding beads and praying.
When the lady puts her two female parrots in the cage with the two
male parrots, her two say: "Hi! We're prostitutes. Want to have some
fun?"
At which one male parrot looks at the other and shouts: "Put the beads
away! Our prayers have been answered!"


>PHYSICIAN ATTRACTION

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even
really be having sex with you."


>HER BODY'S A TEMPLE

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the
rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the
top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for
the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your
toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the
street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband
winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you,
Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only
been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had
to pull him by the ears to make him come".


>WHO'S THE BOSS?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed
his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm
the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay
until your attitude changes."


>CHRISTMAS BONUS

Three dustmen are doing their last round before Christmas. The first
goes to a house, knocks and finds himself being invited in by a
stunning blonde, who takes him upstairs and gives him a good seeing
to.
Afterwards, he rushes out and brags to his two pals about it. So the
second
decides to try his luck. Sure enough, the same thing happens to him.
Finally, the dustcart driver, reckoning he's on to a sure thing, gets
out and knocks on the door. The woman answers, smiles and gives him a
fiver.
Severely disappointed, the man asks: 'How come I just get money, when
you gave my pals a proper Christmas bonus?'
'Well,' the woman replies, 'when I asked my husband about tipping you
all, he said 'Give the driver £5 - screw the other two'.'


>THE LANGUAGE BARRIER

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are
furiously masturbating.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she says.
One of the Japanese men replies: "We are all very hungry."
The waitress asks, "So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to
help the situation?"
A second businessman replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST
SERVED."

>SALVATION

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it
been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet
suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a
flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then,
how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in
there, too...!"
Girl

-------------------------------------------
Let us keep this thread alive

CAR IN HEAVEN

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

The Trumpeter

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there but I found you something". I got you a gig bagging lions. To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing".

At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep.

He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt".

He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over."

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he
picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice
echoed
from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself
a vacation after the next big score then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came
to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday"

A little boy goes to his dad, a Datuk and asks, "What is Politics?"

The Datuk Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.



We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.



The Maid, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what is Datuk Dad has said.



Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Maid.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his Datuk father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The Datuk father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies:



"The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."

Math is Sex


A hug leads to a kiss... A kiss leads to
a lick... A lick leads to a suck... And a suck
leads to a F***. So tell me how many people
you
want to hug after you hear this cuz sex is like
math... you add the bed... subtract the clothes.
..
divide the legs... leave your solution... and
pray you don't multiply .......

Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!


Girlfriends are appetizers, Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams, Hot and spicy...Eaten frequently. WIVES are Maggie, Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!


Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHCKEN FARMER. She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!


A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.


Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess....
Still dunno?
Ok lah....
Answer : Bcos they left their full stop on their forehead.

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?



Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."



================

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'



=================

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?



The ones in the casinos are serious.



================



When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.



===================



A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my

intelligence come from?"



His father replied, "Well, son, you must have

gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."



===================



The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.



The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.



===================



Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."



The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution,

Please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."