hope this is not a repost..


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a pit bull, Jesus."

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

then he'll get alot of cb...

Working In The Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.

He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

---

Added on June 14, 2007, 9:03 pmLast week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and
by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone
had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say
we go out to lunch,
just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful
day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you
don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens
of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there... On the couch...

NAKED!!

This post has been edited by Predator10: Jun 14 2007, 09:03 PM

Banta Singh Again

BANTA SINGH & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer: What is your birth date?
Banta Singh : 13th October
Interviewer : Which year?
Banta Singh : ... EVERY YEAR

BANTA SINGH & HIS MANAGER
Manager asked to Banta Singh at an interview....
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta Singh replied: P-O-S-T-B-O- X

BANTA SINGH & LONDON TRIP
After returning back from a foreign trip, Banta Singh asked his wife, Do I
look like a foreigner?
Wife : No! Why?
Banta Singh : In London, a lady asked me, "Are you a foreigner?".. that's
why ...
Wife : SHOCKED!

BANTA SINGH & TOURIST
One tourist from U.S.A.asked to Banta Singh whether any great man born in
this village or not .. and Banta Singh said .. "No sir, only babies were
born here .. "

BANTA SINGH & HIS EXPERIMENT
Banta Singh was doing experiment with cockroach. First he cut it's one leg
and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.
Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut
the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered
it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Banta Singh said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four
legs, it becomes deaf.
Banta Singh become a saint!

BANTA SINGH & DRIVER
When Banta Singh was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the
driver adjusted mirror. Banta Singh shouted, "You are trying to see my wife
?
Sit back. I will drive.

BANTA SINGH GOES TO HOTEL
Banta Singh went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There
he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he
doing. Banta Singh pointed towards the board "WASHBASIN "

BANTA SINGH & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : Just imagine your in 20th floor in a building, it caught fire
and how will you escape ?
Banta Singh : It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination ..

Oh .. i forgot . the funniest part ..
On a political rally Banta Singh was arrested. Why ????????????
Because, a woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" on her right
chest ... and he did it !

Sister Mary

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."

saw this b4..nice 1.

---

Added on August 21, 2007, 9:16 amNight Prayers

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
Told her a story and listened to her prayers
Which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and Good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say Good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,
Which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God Bless daddy and Good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh my gosh", thought the father.
This kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say:
"God bless mommy and Good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day.
Had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be ok.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day,
He stayed there, drinking coffee
Looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"



This post has been edited by Predator10: Aug 21 2007, 09:16 AM

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound
left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints
and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking
him gently. The big guy says, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" In a shaky, weak
voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude
says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds ,
I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds , my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Turner Brown! .Thank goodness, I thought you said, "Turn Around"!

nice 1..