So the Aaron Ramsey goal curse strikes again, every time he scores someone dies very quickly... first Bin Laden, then Gaddafi, then Kim Jong-Il and now Whitney Houston.

But many people don't know it's the same for Fernando Torres. Last time it was Princess Diana

What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

a 100 dollar bill

Bin Laden’s last words. “Give the f***ing gun to Torres!”

I finally got a gal back to my place for today valentine.

She sat down and said, "I take it you masturbate a lot."

"I'm so sorry," I stuttered, loading my arms with DVDs. "I would have hidden my porn collection if I'd known I had a lady coming over."

"No, it's not that," she replied. "I'm stuck to your sofa."

Valentines day is just a massive hassle:

1. Remember to text my girlfriend a big lovey dovey message at the start of the day.
2. Remember to buy her a card in my lunch break.
3. Buy her some more crap in the rush hour after work before I meet her.
4. Take her to a fancy restaurant and pay for a pointlessly expensive meal.
5. Take her back to her place and give her some gentle, passionate love when all I want to do is excessively f*ck the shit out of her.

And I have to do all this then drive home without my wife finding out.

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

haha damn i kena liao

dammit.. tht got me...

what is that prawn?

That is a good one

A redneck was on a camping trip with his son when he dragged a fat chick into the bushes and started ripping her clothes off.

"Don't rape me you sick *******!" she pleaded, scratching at his face. "Your son is standing there."

"Just keep still while I get this dress off you," He roared. "We've forgotten our tent."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 18 2012, 11:25 PM

A patient complains he is suffering from insomnia. The doctor immediately picks up his pen and writes a prescription for v1agra.

"That's supposed to help me fall asleep?" says the patient.

"No," says the doctor, "but it'll be a lot more fun staying awake."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 20 2012, 09:10 AM

A woman has just done her shopping and is taking a shortcut home through the park. Suddenly a man jumps out of the bushes, opens his raincoat and exposes himself.
The woman takes a deep breath, looks down at her shopping bags, slaps her palm to her forehead and says:

"F*cking knew it! I forgot the shrimps!"

Before marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage…

Simply read from bottom to top.

---

Added on February 21, 2012, 5:24 amSorry if its a repost


Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to
divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because
he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied,
"My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month
after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I
know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten
years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my
wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're
still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her
every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the
husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer
her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock
in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that
cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful,"
I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet!.


This post has been edited by Burningsunz: Feb 21 2012, 05:24 AM

^hahahahhahaha

good ones some of em

I said to my girlfriend, "I'm sorry for treating you really badly recently. How can I make it up to you?"

"Well you can take me to the cinema tonight."

"Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards."

Are we absolutely sure that Greece hasn't just hidden their money in a giant wooden horse?

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 23 2012, 06:22 PM

Sean's wife asked him to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

They haven't found his body after he gone back with a pushup bra.