I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss. I asked, "What are those marks all down your c0ck?"

He said, "They're from my wife's teeth chattering."

"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"

"I'm too drunk, you get in."

I was feeling a bit ill, so I went to the doctor.

"Cough for me please...
"Cough again...
"Okay, I have your diagnosis: you have a cough."

C*nt.

I have massive breasts, I make amazing sandwiches and I'm really good at Call of Duty...

Unfortunately, my name's Adam and I'm fat.

hahah.. good one

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Mars - future home to human colonies.

Venus - 860 degrees F and rains sulfuric acid.

Sounds about right.

I had phone sex last night...

Had to get the morning after bill.

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

So I'm with this smoking hot chick the other day. She's lying there naked in front of me. Perfect tits, arse cheeks like fresh peaches. She's trying to act cool, like she's not interested in me, but it gets to the point where i just can't take it anymore.

So I whip out my c*ck and start masturbating furiously. Before I know it she's leapt up from the table, picked up her clothes and stormed out of the room.

"Oh f*cking well done!" says the guy next to me. "What are we supposed to draw now?!!"

James was hard to come to terms with the death of his wife but eventually


the assassin and him finally agreed on a fee.

As she lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns,

Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.

epic FAIL

They are in art class doing nude figure drawing and the girl was the model?

yes

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. > Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

John Terry has described losing the England captaincy as the most disappointing thing to happen to him since he ran out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridge's house.

When Hassan picked the wife up from the airport today, she said, "Why the long face? Look at that couple there, kissing, cuddling and laughing"

Hassan replied, "That's because he's seeing her off, not picking her up."

When you realise you know everything, you get your A Levels.

When you realise you know nothing, you get your degree.

When you realise no one else knows anything either, you get your Ph.D.

My wife claims that I treat our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied "James Junior, or the girl one?"