I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room."

The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.

If my Streamyx gets any slower by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.

lol

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier,

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided,

"What? That fat ugly f*cker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes" He laughed, cheering up,

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"...

he literally fuxk sirius

rofl

Steve Jobs' funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin.

Hmm i thought all the iXXX stuff renews generally every year, not every 6 months?

After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, an old couple goes to bed. Many of the guests at the party are spending the night in the house.

"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years ago?" asks the husband. "How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe you were still a virgin?"

"I remember," says the wife. "What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get it up?"

Ya. Anyway that joke was done in poor taste.

LOL

If evolution was real...

A lot of people would have a vagina in the palm of their hand.

damn i saw this on reddit

Lol...

took me a while... hahahhaa

" Dude you were so drunk last night"
" No I wasn't"
" You made your girlfriend a sandwich!"

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

Kantoi...

I just phoned my doctor for my STD results.

I said, "Hi Peter, do you have my results?"

He said, "Yes, it's not the best news you could've hoped for, I posted them yesterday."

I said, "First class?"

He said, "No, Facebook."