I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?


However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Feb 18 2010, 07:49 PM

I understand your situation (although I'm a guy). I am lucky that this didn't happen to me when I was getting married (instead, my mother-in-law only took small part of the given ping kam as hou yi tou)

Maybe I'm biased, and I'm on your hubby family side.. or rather I don't really like Chinese tradition and the social norm - they REALLY like to compare (everything, from the location, amount of ping kam, wedding photographer yada yada). I think that couples should just spend what they can afford rather than overspending just to prove that the husband is not stingy.

Parents sometimes have to understand that they demand a lot of money from their future son-in-law, but end up both daughter and son-in-law suffering

Anyway... I suggest the following:

- Try talking to your parents (yes, unluckily it IS your responsibility since they are your parents), explaining that both of you have already spent a lot and why at this moment it isn't feasible to give 6k. Do not say provoking statements like "It's not selling daughter" though

- Try to propose something that you and your hubby can afford. Maybe something like 2888 or 3888

- To be frank, 6k isn't that much. But as you're both short of cash, maybe ask your parents if your hubby can pay that 6k some time later instead of now. Otherwise, go for Personal Loan

I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best

This post has been edited by samurai1337: Feb 18 2010, 08:02 PM

Personal loan for wedding? good luck then.

Glad to have a comment from guy side. Your advice is very useful. Thank you for reminding me not to provoke "selling daughter" to my parents.

I don't think will go for personal loan lor.

Any comments/ advice from the girls?

This post has been edited by NaiveLady: Feb 18 2010, 09:54 PM

heard from friend, one of our ex-schoolmate faced the same situation as TS. In the end, she fork out the Ping Kam from her own account.

To me, it's not the money that matters, since 6K is not really that much. Is whether your future "family" is willing to take you as one of them and give out unconditionally.
When they can be so calculative over Ping Kam, you already know what's waiting ahead for you.

Sometimes, the amount of Ping Kam the girl's parents ask for is not because they see their daughther as an "investment transfer". They are actually testing the guys & also his family, testing the way they will treat their daughter.
More often or not, the girl's parent will only take part of the Ping Kam ( like 888, 2888) & the remaining they wil give back to the daughther, so that she got some money in hand if anything happpens in the future

avg ping kam is somewhere plus minus 5k, besides the money will all be use back on the wedding, 80% will be use for gold which in the end will be yours.

I agree, ping kam is not like selling the daughter, its to test how generous the future husband. And 6k is not really a lot for ping kam, a very fair price and if this is not agreed by the in laws then I think something wrong with the in laws.

Gal, RM6k is NOT a big amount. I am in the age where many of my friends got married..and trust me..its much higher than RM6k.

For me, 888, 1888, 2888 or whatever is just crap. I have a friend working as a salesperson..earning 2-3k a month, and he can give RM8888 to his inlaws! It's all about saving for this day..don't your husband to be has any kind of savings? As your parents said, this means sincerity of your future husband. If I am you, go figure with your husband to get the extra 4k..or he will get a hard time from your parents. Just my 2 cents thou

Gal, not to worry so much, to me I will advice that both of you settle the matter yourself. You see, if you try to convince either party to do certain things they disagree, althought they finally agreed, there is still this little thing in them to dislike you.

So to me, 6k is a very reasonable price that are offered. You will know your parents yourself way better than anybody here, so think back and see, will your parent take the money and spend it on themself ??? To me, my parent ask for 12k, my hubby give 8k and I give 4k, withs lots argument too. But i believe my parents. So when the money arrived that day, to my surprise, my dad had already prepared a 20k unit trust bond on my name to me. Parents will always love you, have trust in them.

Settle it within both of you, make both party happy and you two will be happy too. You can't read minds, therefore you wont know whats others is thinking.
Do your part and make everyone around you happy.

Wedding is a part of life we have to go thru, both of you will have to choose the path and walk together, a happy path or an argument path. Its always your choice.

It was 4-5 years back when my cousin married his wife, he gave RM10k

then my cousin sister got married to her husband on 2 years back and her husband also gave Rm10k

then my friend is getting married next month, her husband also give Rm10k

In KL, I have never heard of people giving 888, 1888, 2888. Lowest that i heard was Rm8k.

I think the Rm6k is just enough to cover and serve as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. If you are going to have wedding dinner on your own side, 100% not enough!

My vote = Persuade future husband to give RM6K !
Check his ability to give that RM6k, if he can afford why not?

They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) ?? You Only Guessing! They won't give it to you! They will give it to your husband!! And in their mindset (i guess), your money belongs to your husband and your husband money belongs to your husband/parents.

Thinking further, after marriage, You are Bound to fork out money to support the family when things go wrong. Are you confidence to do so? If no, just persuade your husband to get the RM6k, save the balance for the rainy days!

6k isn't a lot and ping kam is not something that ppl argue about.,
if ping kam also argue...susah lor

money or happiness...

u choose either.... i saw some of them after marriage still divorce.... even wedding ceremony so expensive... but end up divorce... useless at all wasting time..

better think that is it your husband is really reliable, stable etc.. n yours cant measure by money.. meaning RM8888, RM10000... aren't u only worth RM8888???

marry is just 2 person.. see if your husband spend RM8888 only for ping kam then wat bout other expenses?? like restaurant, take photo, etc...

if your husband rich enuff then u r lucky..

The market value would be about RM 8k these day. This is however not a strict rule. Both of you need to sit down and discuss on what amount is confortable for both side.

The wedding cost is beyond pingkam. You will need to consider the renovation, photoshoot, dinner and all those ritual things. Be prepared to spend about RM 30k-35k.

As i said, if the TS and his husband-to-be has prepared and planned for this day, they won't have this problem.

Getting marry is just not a "I do". Nowadays, you need to save money for weddings, as above..at least around RM30k for a decent wedding

When it comes to money, there is sure to be arguments especially when the person is not ready.

I don't know what is love anymore if it is not getting prepared to marry each other at the end of the day.

Wait? For how long?

Personal loan to pay for ping kam? You got to be kidding me.

i'm totally agree with you.
my bf's monthly salary 70% goes to supporting his family as well as save as his parent's health emergency fund as his parents have 0 insurance.

since both of us are late 20s, i've asked him several time any planning to our future. he keep on saying no money and have to support his family.
ask me to wait.. wait till when? wait till i'm 30++ ? till old? i feel that it's kinda unfair to me..

Yes. It is unfair.

Sometimes I wonder if he really loves the gf?
He seems to consider his family more important.
Other people in his family can be happily married and he lets his gf suffer.

A girl is only young once and she cannot spend her time waiting for someone who treats her unfairly.

This post has been edited by barista: Feb 19 2010, 05:14 PM

It's not recommended but nevertheless an option

As much as it sounds pathetic, one of my friends actually did that... The reason being? His spending was too high at that time because new house renovation and wedding come together, his saving and salary couldn't really support that, his gf did not have much income and he had to bear all the cost, yet his gf really wanted to get married ASAP. Anyway, he knew he could clear the loan in next few months once everything is settled down and he managed to.

On a side note, it's just how amazing why people managed to get married and have 5 kids so easily in the 70s-80s but it becomes such a luxury now - cost of living becomes much higher, girls become more demanding, cost of raising a kid grows sharply, but yet economy is not growing fast enough to cater for that. Girls sometimes have to be more understanding on the guy situation - they are afraid of commitment for some reasons.

sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.

and it will become even more disappointed after marriage, you will be asked to support his family too