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 Argument on Ping Kam, Chinese Wedding Custom/Tradition

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samurai1337
post Feb 21 2010, 09:03 AM

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QUOTE(jhlam @ Feb 21 2010, 01:15 AM)
actually 6k is not too high already. I seen some of my frends which are higher around 10k with other gifts too like car, house and etc.

Lucky me, my in law only requested RM1999, with 999 return to me and the rest to my wifey. ;p
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I think it depends on everyone's financial situation lo, so we can't really compare like this

It's reasonable to ask a lot from someone who can really afford it, but probably not from someone's who's struggling with money for wedding. So... I think setting a correct expectation is important
Corrupted Spirits
post Feb 21 2010, 10:34 AM

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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
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Agreed on this.

As far as it matters,it is just between 2 person.

Parents asking a certain price to check if the husband is willing to pay and will treat their daughter good?How about those who paid a certain amount and have another relationship outside?Does it reflect during the giving of 'Ping Kam'?I would say no.

I don't know about the 'Ping Kam' rates but I can see a lot people here are saying 'My friend this,my friend that',does it means we need to follow them? I felt that giving 'Ping Kam' is a matter of the willingness and one should not demand a certain amount of it.
leongal
post Feb 21 2010, 10:42 AM

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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
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nod.gif you are totally right....

hope things get better for TS
Awakened_Angel
post Feb 22 2010, 02:18 PM

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QUOTE(jhlam @ Feb 21 2010, 02:15 AM)
actually 6k is not too high already. I seen some of my frends which are higher around 10k with other gifts too like car, house and etc.

Lucky me, my in law only requested RM1999, with 999 return to me and the rest to my wifey. ;p
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wahh....

I paid RM 19,999.99
hamster9
post Feb 22 2010, 04:23 PM

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QUOTE(g r a p e k e y @ Feb 21 2010, 01:53 AM)
hi eebodyyy..... why is the ping kam so important ? imo, the Chinese mentality sometimes a little bit too much request & very face minded. Solely classified to make simple things complicated. To me if I have kids of my own, what matters is their future husband or wives personality from day 1, and not about reimbursement or whatsoever. And another thing, I find it cocky that some Chinese people on their day of marriage, the husband need to read a short essay to their wife.. telling her how much he would appreciate and pamper her... In reality, how many of you man out there truly live up to your words? It is a disgrace for those who don't. and those keh le fei (pasu bunga) people all around are seen melting away as the bridegroom read the essay..  To me, I always believe marriage is just between 2 person & I don't need $ to validate anything.
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it's not only the chinese mentality so to speak, it's Asian. We all want face. Furthermore, TS's future in-law already degrade themselves into negotiating a "ping kam" and this also haven't step foot into their in laws door. What if really married and become their in-law? They would obviously treat TS like shit.

marriage in Asia world is not about 2 person... once u're married, u're married into the family which includes pleasing ur in law's, the aunties, the uncles, etc etc..

recently a malay friend got wed and I've learned that the standard hantaran is RM10K for a degree holder wife whistling.gif RM6k is simply nothing.

y in a rush to get married now during ur man's financial turbulence? since courtship has been for 8 years, saving for another year wont be any problem right?
Awakened_Angel
post Feb 22 2010, 04:50 PM

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QUOTE(hamster9 @ Feb 22 2010, 05:23 PM)

recently a malay friend got wed and I've learned that the standard hantaran is RM10K for a degree holder wife  whistling.gif  RM6k is simply nothing.

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are you serious? the rate in my place here is only RM 20
vey99
post Feb 22 2010, 04:55 PM

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i gave 12,888
teelim
post Feb 22 2010, 05:02 PM

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QUOTE(NaiveLady @ Feb 18 2010, 07:20 PM)
I am getting married soon after 8 years of dating. However, parents from both family can't agree on certain things.

My parents & relatives informed the "ping kam" should be abt RM6K and requested for a piggy. They informed that that is the rate in KL. My parents told me because we're not rich, thus the money (instead of forking out our own money) served as financial aid to help them purchase essential items required for the wedding celebrations such as gold. It also will show what is my value & whether my future husband family is stingy or not. Actually, what are the things that bride's family have to buy for wedding?
However, my future in-law said my parents request is too high and they prefer to pay RM888/RM1888/RM2888 (Just a sign of good luck (hou yi tou). Reasons given is they are not buying a daughter-in-law & they want everything to be simple. They thought we want “face” and reputation is the reason behind it. They prefer give money to us (after wedding i guess) rather than wasting it to buy those wedding things. They are not rich but not poor either. My future husband is on his family side and persuading me to accept his parents proposal.

I am torn in between and we quarrel about this. Should I:
- Persuade parents to accept lesser "ping kam"?
- Persuade future husband to give RM6K ?

BTW, what are the average rate of "ping kam" given nowadays? I know some of my friends were lucky because their wife's parents didn't request for ping kam.
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If talking about "face", I feel that the person giving will have "more face" if can give more, and nothing to do with the "face" of the one receiving since they also said that its not about "selling daughter". If "selling daughter", then the one receiving will have "more face" coz can "sell" the daughter at good price.

I think marriage is supposed to be a happy thing. If your parents feel that the money can help for the wedding preparation, but cannot convince you future in-laws to "help out", then maybe the both of you can source the money from somewhere else.

Otherwise, if your future in-laws can afford it, then you may try to convince them that its not that big amount and it would mean alot to the both of you if "small" issues like this can be solved peacefully.

Because honestly, there may be more headaches ahead for example, how many tables are they giving each other for the wedding dinners.

or else, try to get both sides to settle for a number that they can both agree on. Both also must compromise abit loh

This post has been edited by teelim: Feb 22 2010, 05:05 PM
omniknight86
post Feb 22 2010, 05:06 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
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love should be unconditional. when you set condition for your love...i.e he must married me fast or must spend more money on my side rather than family...then it is called "Conditional love" not true love anymore. of course your anger is reasonable, if you don't want a guy like that, just change it. age never stops so do time
hamster9
post Feb 22 2010, 05:50 PM

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QUOTE(Awakened_Angel @ Feb 22 2010, 04:50 PM)
are you serious? the rate in my place here is only RM 20
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if not mistaken RM20 is just a fee for them to get married.
lunar sea
post Feb 22 2010, 06:02 PM

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TS , did ur mum gave u advise such as finding a rich husband ? if yes, serve u right.

Added on February 22, 2010, 6:04 pm
QUOTE(vey99 @ Feb 22 2010, 04:55 PM)
i gave 12,888
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have you seen TS pic ? if haven don simply bid ler ..

later ask u give ruppiah 12888 u also don wan.

Added on February 22, 2010, 6:05 pmbut 6 k is not much la , ur husband no money don married la ..

i so poor also giv 3k.

fyi, my parent only earn less than 1 k per month.

This post has been edited by lunar sea: Feb 22 2010, 06:05 PM
shadow_0
post Feb 23 2010, 10:28 AM

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6k is ok or not, also depends on another factor. Who is going to pay for the wedding dinner?

Normally there are 2 ways:
1:Pay high ping kam, but the bride side dinner paid by the bride family.
2:Pay ping kam as hou yu tou only, the groom side will pay for all dinner.

You have to know that the ang pau from bride's friends and relatives will all go into bride family pocket.

So for case 1, the ang pau and high ping kam will cover the dinner and other expenses.
For case 2, the ang pau will cover other expenses only.
And also, for case 2, it depends on how many tables are requested. Say if ask for 15~20 tables, can easily cost around 10k~15k on the groom side.
moorish
post Feb 23 2010, 11:34 AM

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QUOTE(shadow_0 @ Feb 23 2010, 10:28 AM)
6k is ok or not, also depends on another factor. Who is going to pay for the wedding dinner?

Normally there are 2 ways:
1:Pay high ping kam, but the bride side dinner paid by the bride family.
2:Pay ping kam as hou yu tou only, the groom side will pay for all dinner.

You have to know that the ang pau from bride's  friends and relatives will all go into bride family pocket.

So for case 1, the ang pau and high ping kam will cover the dinner and other expenses.
For case 2, the ang pau will cover other expenses only.
And also, for case 2, it depends on how many tables are requested. Say if ask for 15~20 tables, can easily cost around 10k~15k on the groom side.
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6K ping kum obviously the groom side pau the dinner la
shadow_0
post Feb 23 2010, 01:27 PM

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QUOTE(moorish @ Feb 23 2010, 11:34 AM)
6K ping kum obviously the groom side pau the dinner la
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If the groom side pau the dinner, the ping kum can be any amout already loh...

Some people i know, if the groom pau the dinner, the ping kum only like 999 kind of amount...

Some other people who are not in KL. sometimes the ping kum only 5k and the groom doesn't pau the dinner you know... Cause the 5k is mainly use to prepare the wedding, the dinner can be easily covered by the ang pau received.
pillage2001
post Feb 23 2010, 01:43 PM

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Sigh...these days.....getting married is like asking for a death wish. I'm against the ping kam and whatever tradition the chinese have. Don't get me wrong but I think that all these are being emphasised a little too much. So what if the groom side cannot come up with the amount? Does that mean that he's stingy? What if he's just money concious?

For me, what's the point of paying 6 ~12k? That's like 20% of my life's savings. Not to mention that I'm saving for a house and all. If I were to follow the tradition, i would be left with less than 50% of what I have and that's not exactly the future that I want. Money does not buy happiness but it certainly does help make things alot easier in the future. So really, please don't say that the groom side don't give face or the daughter is worthless. He's marrying you because you're one in a million to him and obviously he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't make this about how much the bride is worth or if he's willing to spend for you. Being together as one is more than just about how much money he's willing to spend.
vey99
post Feb 23 2010, 01:45 PM

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QUOTE(lunar sea @ Feb 22 2010, 06:02 PM)
have you seen TS pic ? if haven don simply bid ler ..

later ask u give ruppiah 12888 u also don wan.
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i said i gave 12,888 for pingkam

not i bid 12,888 for ts the fark i want to bid her for she not even my siham
yeezai
post Feb 23 2010, 01:51 PM

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QUOTE(vandoren @ Feb 19 2010, 05:32 PM)
sometimes i think that some gal like me is kinda stupid, give up a higher pay OL job in KL; go back ipoh, working in a factory. this is the return that i get from him.. it's really disappointed.
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dis is not a wise move...unless ur hubby makes twice as much as you back in kl then mayb you can consider going back ipoh...financial burden is the main thing a married couple will argue ...
yap.ben
post Feb 23 2010, 02:30 PM

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Whao... lucky my inlaw told me they dun wan sell Daughter but let her marry for a good life... thus the "ping kam" only act as symbolic but was return back to my parents on the same nite.
alanyuppie
post Feb 23 2010, 04:15 PM

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QUOTE(pillage2001 @ Feb 23 2010, 02:43 PM)
Being together as one is more than just about how much money he's willing to spend.
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From this logic, no need "gets" married and organise wedding. Simply stay together, inform both side of family of this intention and thats it. No need register too. After all.... love is in the heart, not dictated by custom nor laws.
ronn77
post Feb 23 2010, 05:44 PM

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well..as i know the standard ping kam is around 6 - 10k nowadays as what we shared among our colleagues during our wedding.
myself been giving 11,888 which i think on average side as i even heard my brother's friend is giving 18,888.
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