We’re in our mid-thirties and have a 2-year-old daughter.
My wife has a very good relationship with her siblings (5 of them), so she feels life without siblings is boring.
I’ve lived far away from home, most of my life, almost independently, struggled through without much help, so don’t feel so strongly about our daughter having a sibling.
Her biggest concern is that once we both are gone, if our daughter remains the only child, she would be all by herself in the world, with no one to share her life, with other than her spouse.
My argument to this – there are millions of kids like that, so what?

This is not a financial related decision, I have a well-paid job and am financially stable. I think I've been a great father to my kid and have done the absolute best for her and will continue to do so.
But I have to admit, parenting has been hard. Takes away a lot of your time and interest in doing other things. Adding another just going to overwhelm me psychologically.

Too add fuel to fire, this topic of another child started when I told my wife I got another job, with a significant increase in pay compared to my current job but we have to relocate to another state (KL to JB).
Initially, before I received the offer, my wife agreed to relocate.
However, after accepting the offer, when I was looking for places to stay online, she dropped the bomb having another child.
She told me, if I don't agree, she and my kid will not relocate and she has given me a week to decide.

I got no issue of relocating on my own (I would do it anyway even she disagreed to relocate the first time) but to emotionally blackmail me using my kid here is unfair.

What are your thoughts about having another child? Have you had a similar experience on this topic? Would like to hear your thoughts and feedback.

relax n take it easy bro.

2nd child / 3rd child, let it be. let them come n u relax ur standard.

no need to be overwhelmed n let ur wife takes care of them more, make her promise.

she will love u more n u will be still able to have time to do more ur own things.

Obviously your wife is blackmailing you. when 2nd child arrived, don't be surprised she will pull the same trick to get a 3rd child.

for the child
1. social-POV : to have a siblings > only child (IMO, just me)

for. adult
1. u felt unfair for the blackmailing part: really have to let ur wife know about how u feel
2. and try to understand why the wife wants it. real reason behind

since u mention this topic started since the relocation thing involved
anyhow i dont want to advise anything to TS. none of my business

to me:
1. i would want my kid to have siblings
2. and i just want to know if both (wife/husband) wants the same.

to raise a child needs commitments from both of u guys. (not saying single parents cant do so)
but since u guys are still married then it has to be a joined-effort

to avoid issues like: 'u want kids, u take care'

Initial I never wanted kids. Obviously, it was our (my) fault for not discussing this before marriage. My wife only started hinting about having kids because all her friends were getting preggy/kids. Crying every night. I gave in.
When she was pregnant, she asked if we can have the kid in Malaysia, and wanted the baby to grow with all the other family members (especially the grandparents)
I felt it was a good point. I left my high paying job abroad and since I was already in a stable financial situation, I decided to return to Malaysia.
Now she is at it again. She started the conversation by saying her friends are adding more family members, her parents for having 5 kids, even some of MY friends who are getting 2nd or 3rd child.
I hate comparisons used as an excuse to win a discussion/argument

Bro ur think too much, whats wrong to get second child.... your are financially stable anyway....
Out there a lot of married couple still struggling to get even one.....

More child better actually. It will lessen the burden of your kids if in anyway you need to goto old folks home in future. At least they scan split the cost.

I feel you're thinking too short-term. Plus using your own personal childhood as a comparison and thinking every other single child will turn out just like you (good emotional health and no problems socialising) is unfair on your current daughter. Let her have her siblings and in the far future they (including their own offsprings) shall all bring joy and pride to you and your wife as the patriarch and matriarch.

First, when you have only 1 kid especially daughter, in future when you grow old and she married, and something bad happen to either you or your wife. She have her own family matter to attend and still need to spare her time to her parent problem too. This will burden her so much....

If something big happen, at least your daughter have sibbling to discuss with, or even financial sharing or time to support their parent in future.

Adding another kid wouldn't take away more of your "ME-Time". Somemore your daughter wont have a big age gap to your 2nd child. All the activities can be done together once at a time.

I believe your wife will done a great job taking care of them.

Im not going to have children so that they can take care of me in the future, they are not my retirement plan. I will have everything sorted for myself and my wife (retirement and medical).
I will provide the best for my kid. What she does with it and becomes in the future, that's her choice.
We bring them to this world, it's unfair to put the burden on them in the future - regardless of the number of children I will have.

I got twins straight so it is fun watching the bro n sis interacting daily.

I have a lot of friend as the only child in family.

And most of them hate it. I am not sure why. But they hope they have siblings.

I find that single child tends to be lonely. A child growing up alone tends to be self centered too as the need to share toys, food, clothing and etc was never an issue to begin with when one grows up alone. It is also good to have siblings to shoulder the responsibilities in taking care of you when you are no longer capable of taking care of yourself. After all, standing on two legs is always better than one.

Don't let your child be lonely. Make more let them play together and when they are big they can encourage each other when you are dead

This post has been edited by OlgaC4: Mar 30 2022, 03:03 PM

sounds like the real issue isn't necessarily about having kid/s imo.

since I assume you can maybe afford to hire a helper/nanny to assist with the upbringing. That should free up more of your time to do other things.

the issue if you asked me, is that you are being caught out by your wife hasty and quite often, one sided decisions.

and this is leaving you with resentment.

Open dialogue may help and maybe sharing to her how you don't like to be surprised like this.

Is a blessing to have more kids.

U should have more kids if u can afford it. Money is always the issues when having more kids. But if u r not having money issues. Why not ?

U will love all ur kids equally. Trust me.

More kids is merrier especially during festive season and holidays.

Do u take count of ur daughter feeling ? She needs someone to play with. To converse and interact. Both my sons is 2 years apart. They're inseparable but still fight occasionally.

Then i had my 3rd baby with 5 years gap from my 2nd son. So they treat her like princess. But now she occasionally fight with them too although she love her brothers.

So conclusion is.. Another kid won't hurt u. But talk it nicely with ur wife and tell her how it makes u upset she's using a baby to negotiate ur working condition.

2 are better than 1

There are a few points you can think about.

Nowadays children not easy, dun play play. In the old days 1 adult can take care of 4 children and they grow up very well disiplin. Nowadays you need 4 adult to care for one child.

Generation and generation went by human got weaker and weaker due to food, industries radiation,, environment surrounding... etc. These days average ratio in 10 babies, 3 are autistic. You do not want to go through these trust me.

Not all women are like that, only a few that will feel insecure or feel the gap of bonding from husband getting further and further that's why having another child will pull back the couple's bonding. These you have to check yourself whether you guys are getting loose on intimacy and bonding or does she has the tendency of seeking your attention.

Whether it's old days or modern days people we have these kind of mentality that women are born to take care of men. Wife to husband, daughter to father, daughter to brother, wife to father in law or wife to bro in law. These mentality is really sick because if a mom think of that way, the daughter would suffer if her brothers are not married she has to care for every male in the family including her husband and father in law.
What I'm saying is I support your decission only to have your daughter because as long as the society has these sick mentality, you have a 2nd baby(son) would be a burden to your daughter.

Good luck.

I am like you - TS. Having my only daughter (5 mo) but my husband intends to want another one in the coming future. Financially it's not an issue. But it's so mentally draining to care for another life ;( I am so tired and I don't see myself having a second one. Sometimes I do feel some sort of guilt that she will be lonely as what the rest here says...

Bro, can just make thing simple. Do you love your daughter now? Do you think you are lucky to have your daughter now? If yes, having another 1 will only be better and double your happiness. Same goes to your wife and your daughter.

All those tactics played by wife, emotional blackmailed thingy.. this is not the real problem for your to have another kid, it's another set of problem, need to deal separately with your wife.

If you are financial affordable, why not? Just need to spend a little bit more time for another kid, but you will have more ppl to love and loves you in your family.

Kids are not easy to handle these days, kinda disobedient and bare in mind they arent like the kids from 80s or 90s.

A friend of mine had 4 boys, 2 of them are unplanned, she super regretted it

you think u are a fkin genius then?

Kids are a gift from God. A lot of couple don't have kids nowdays. Enjoy them they
grow very fast.

Enjoy Them

Young couple chose not to have kids and not that they cant have it
No point for having many when you have trouble to put all of them for higher education

If you nurture your kids well. Higher education is free.

lmao. no education is free , maybe in your dreamland

You pay minimum. If you know where to get.

USM.UPM UKM. Mimimum pay. Free if you got got good grades or sponsorship from company. Ijn
Petronas. Before even you come out you already secure a Job

This post has been edited by OlgaC4: Jun 13 2022, 12:10 PM

Dear TS

There are many factors to this, so lets separate them in order to understand them.

For the child: WIth a second child, there will be a different set of "issues" that may arise - jealousy, fighting etc etc
All parents think of the good part where they will grow up with siblings and have someone to rely on etc etc this is true, but dont forget the squabbles as well.

With the wife: I do agree that having a child should be something done out of love and not something to blackmail with.... it becomes something done out of duty and for the sake of ticking the box.

Solution is....leave it to nature. Secondary infertility is very common, so even if you both want, it may not happen. And if it does, its fated and god's gift to you. Hope it all works out....

She clearly has demonstrated this behaviour in the past (crossing ur boundary). It is not about exerting dominance as a male but it is about setting the right boundaries for a healthy relationship for your SO

If she abused your goodwill, non-confrontational nature mark my word she will do it again and again.

You need to talk this out with her and please dont use logic with women. Womens are emotional beings so using logic and facts will not drive the message across

bringing a 2nd child is not an easy decision and will require lots of time, dedication from both of you. Are you ready to take on the responsibility of having a 2nd child with her? What would it mean for your career? Job? Financial standing?

I will recommend u watch Coach Corey Wayne on youtube.

This post has been edited by 779364: Aug 18 2022, 10:48 AM

i can see where TS is coming from. I currently have 2 girls, and the youngest is 5 years old, my wife wants a 3rd one and set a limit to have the baby last by 2024 (we'll be 55 years old by the time the 3rd one is 20 years old).

We both agree to see if it would make financial and social sense. So far, she has brought it up, since we are financially stable. I said give it 1 more year till 2023, and we'll revisit it again.

The crack of it is, BOTH parties have to agree to this. if you feel your wife is "blackmailing" you into it, you will have REGRET ALL THE TIME after. Dont ever do it unless you are 100% sure. Last thing you want is resentment towards your wife and let alone your 2nd child.

My advise (along with other people's advise) is talk to your wife, if both could not come to a conclusion, seek counselling as to why both cant achieve the same goal. you guys are a team, and if teams have 2 different directions, its not a team at all.

good luck TS.

i understand your predicament. but married man, when have happy wife, you're going to have happy life.
if i in your shoes, i would say this is a good problem.

Because your wife lives in a family with many siblings, it's normal for her to want a second child.

With your description, your family can afford a second child.

And with two kids, they won't feel so alone when you get old or leave this world. I don't know if you have considered this.

I'm more supportive of you having a second child.

Two of more heads, are better than one. As years go by, life will be filled with not just ups, but downs. Hence, our children do not always know what to do. However, it is always good to have someone close to talk to or share the responsibilities.

I concur with this.

One kid is very lonely for that kid in future. Is fun to see my 2 princess play together.

This post has been edited by OlgaC4: Nov 15 2022, 11:45 AM

When my mother was suddenly fainted at home..Lucky my father and bro can help hold her up. If I'm alone I can't.

Even in hospital one time I'm alone with my mum I need to help her hold the drip and bring her to toilet. It's so troublesome and if two ppl it will be better as she also need to sit on wheelchair. (Lucky my father help also)

And another time suddenly my father call me say doc need him go to hospital at fast as my father suspected of having heart attack. I was trembling and lucky I got my bro driving us to go. Like other say got sibling can share the cost and someone to talk to.

Like other say even if you want second also see gods will. I'm still can't even get first baby. Talk to your wife and sort it .

Your final decision would be giving her a new kid. No need to think about it now, just do it. Happy wife happy marriage. If you don't give way to her idea. She'll resent you especially when reach 40.

one thing that made me want to get at least 2 kids.

i dont want my child to be alone after parents passed away.

kesian.

ive seen my friends who are only child. they are different compared to those has siblings.

also, one of them, when his dad passed away, left with mother only.
no siblings to help out for funeral, for other things etc.
cant really say here, but one thing for sure, only child life and with siblings are very different.

im hoping to get a second child so that my son wont be alone.

tbh with you, usually couple don't want kids because of financial burdern but this isn't ur case.Initially, my hubby doesn't want kids because he's from small family and not so close to his bro. After having a kid, he began to change and don't mind having 2. Some couples been trying for years to have kids and count your blessings besides, 2 is better than 1. They will grow up together and share everything together which is fun. If both of you are busy people, hire a nanny or babysitter.

I can see some sibling rivalry go up to adulthood for some children, hmm.
For eg, I got a friend, he and his brother not get along due to their wives rivalry.
But this is up to the ability of the parent to foster closeness between the siblings. Some parents fail, that's why some siblings when they reached adulthood, their rship is so bad.

sometimes a second child can be a blessing. I remembered a story of a doctor who already had 2 kids, he didn't want a 3rd child, he hated the idea. Then it was an accident his wife got pregnant and was a girl. Then the girl was so cute to him, that youngest became his favourite.

Pls raise the 2 kids and let them know no matter what, family unity is most important.

teach them good values.

because I've seen many of my friends they don't get along with their sibling, ended up very bad blood due to fight over family inheritance.

Make sure all inheritance split 50/50.

Also some siblings can be very close, until they marry the wrong woman, then they fight with other siblings.

Also I seen in Lowyat, some stupid guy let his brother influence him to buy property and leave out his wife from the title. Family also must respect the wife role.

If you are financially stable that's good but raising a child takes a lot of time, it will eat your youth up. Think twice think thrice. This is the 21st century, if your wife is bored ask her to get a hobby. Kids are no longer a necessity in this modern era.

"I don't wanna say this "but 1 of 10 kids is not normal - use this argument with your wife and tell her you don't wanna take chances.

Emotional blackmail is another thing, you should blackmail her back ask, tell her you will quit your job and get a low pay job and ask her to take responsibility for the finances. (i really hate emotional blackmailing, especially in a 'symbiotic relationship'.

you can tell your wife, if you dont relocate with me, i might get another child there. see what is her reaction lo.... hahaha

Mid thirties still can hv second child.

I knew some who gave birth at 40s.

if financial is not concern, why not.
you need to find out the real reason you don't want the 2nd.

it should be 2 better than 1 for having kids ~
I also 87 and having 2nd kid on 2022.
I not living with any elders ~ very meaningful and busy life everyday .

Sounds like your wife is not working

Ask her to find a job, maybe she wont feel too bored and needing a second child

There's no simple way out of this, but a lot of alignment and discussion is certainly needed between husband and wife. No right or wrong in this case, whether no kids, one, two, three or even more. Most importantly, must agree as one (husband and wife) and move forward together.
I myself have 3 kids, started with 2 boys and accident a third (girl....luckily). Me and my wife are both working, we can afford to bring them up in a comfortable manner, but it does take a toll on our physical and mental health at times. Time is never enough for us, but that's where we have to align, discuss, split task and conquer accordingly. There's a lof of joy in having kids, without a doubt.

Me and my wife don't expect our kids to take care of us when we grow old, or to support us and accompany us through our golden years. They owe us nothing. It is our conscious choice to have them and raise them unconditionally.

All the best in going through this!

I just have my 2nd daughter after my eldest 6yo. No regret we really enjoy with the new bundle although is very tiring and lack of sleep.

I think your experience being alone should not affect you current child's experience in life. Like my daughter she is already asking for sibling. Some just need extra family support around them.

must be enjoying see them each day , so lucky got twins

Tat is if they are on good terms..... some might kill each other to get their oldman's property!

Just got my second born in june...just hope this wont happened 😅

I dont like the blackmail part too. But getting a second kid will take more of her mental health rather than yours. Worse os that she will regret than you i think. Cos we men are built differently, we can live solo.

2024 already, TS so what is the prognosis?

u moved to JB ?
waifu n kid not follow?
U have another kid or still only 1 ?

I always want to have more kids because I have 4sibling include myself. and we are very grateful to have each other when come with problem solving and idea sharing. We grew up fighting and loving each other.

Me and my husband had our first baby in our early 30 (because this is the time where our career is already in track). My target is to have 4 kids before i "tutup kilang". my in law, my husband and even my siblings are not keen after they think my age and my delivery was not smooth (actually normal to csec but its totally fine experience for me). They feel I will be very suffer and tired even with first baby but in fact I'm cool and steady. Max they allow me to have is 2 kids hahahahaha!!

Anyway, I will work my way if i can still achieve my target but i wont blackmail my husband hahahaha! Its rezeki anyway. I enjoy to have kids around. Its call BitterSweet (Bitter for the pain dealing with tantrum kids but sweet when they act like "angel")

Nowaday the trend is like this, people want children but cant have it, people dont want children but keep having it. hmm~

so did you end up having 2nd child? my guess is yes lol.

Go vasectomy and surprise her