A Narcotic Police officer called at my farm... “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the officer running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

It was my first day in a Russian prison and I got put in a cell with this absolutely massive Russian dude who made it very clear he was going to instantly fuck me.

I said, "look, if this is going to have to happen, can we at least do it with Vaseline?"

He then turn and shouted down the hall, "Hey, he want a threesome... come get in here, Vasilly!"

When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"

I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.

The stages of grief:
1) Anger
2) Denial
3) Bargaining
4) Desperation
5) Sign Jose Mourinho
6) Acceptance

~~And so the champions league can wait.
~Sheikh knows it's too late as he's walking on by...
~
~Pep slides away

~Don't look back in anger
I heard UEFA say.~