According to my latest Bank Statement, I have enough money to live in luxury for the rest of my life.

As long as I die tomorrow.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's."

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the drinks are cold.

I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My wife's will stated that she wanted her remains scattered at the school she used to teach at.

I probably should have read the instructions a bit more carefully. Apparently, she wanted to be cremated first.

she taught Piranha breedings and wanted to save her hubby from all the financial burdens.

As a BMW driver I can confirm that we do use our indicators.

In fact we use all 4 of them at a same time whenever we are parked at a bus stop, disabled bay or yellow lines.

BMWs even have a special red triangle on the dashboard, which is called a ''park anywhere'' button.

It does what it says on the tin. Park anywhere, press the red triangle and all 4 indicators come on at once.

Guaranteed traffic summon proof.

Got some great news today! My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!


Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...

The wife has put on weight lately.

Last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress....


I thought it was Fred Flintstone

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

Then it was too late.

A short fairy story.

I asked my girlfriend to marry me, she told me to fuck off.

I lived happily ever after.

I think my new neighbours are really poor...

You should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 20sen coin earlier.

Wow one below the belt.

From my hotel room I dialed the number of the local brothel.

A silky-voiced woman asked how she could be of any assistance.

I got straight to the point and explained I wanted dominatrix, spanking, leather, PVC, and a slow, long blow job.

She said, “For an outside number, please press 9 first. Thank you Mr Misfit”.

My new immigrant neighbour Tontowi asked if I could guess what his job is.

"I'll give you a clue" he said.. "I get paid for telling people to put their hands in the air."

Apparently he's a DJ and I'm a racist for guessing Bankrobber.

My son finally had enough of me constantly humiliating him for being gay.

He said, "You're such a hypocrite, you even had a gay boyfriend yourself for 2 years!"

"Prison doesn't count."

Taylor Swift has 500 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

"You don't open up bras very often?" she asked me.

"No," I replied, "What gave me away?"

"The scissors."

A teenage boy in UK is believed to go blind due to a poor, junk food diet.

Well, that's what he told his mum, anyway.

A bad workman always blames his fools…

Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard… I'm boycotting it.

When a woman says, "we need to talk",

Why is it never about football?

It was my first day in a Russian prison and I got put in a cell with this absolutely massive Russian dude who made it very clear he was going to instantly fuck me.

I said, "look, if this is going to have to happen, can we at least do it with Vaseline?"

He then turn and shouted down the hall, "Hey, he want a threesome... come get in here, Vasilly!"