lol

LOL

nuts on fire...hhahahhahah

Cheap hooker


This guy has a spare $30 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, B1tch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $30 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

pardon my ignorance, I guess "crabs" here means something else that just as animal, can anyone enlighten me?

This post has been edited by Kravo: Nov 17 2009, 08:31 PM

Sexually transmitted disease. Pubic lice I think.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with the light on.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."

Birthday present
------------------

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."



All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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Added on November 24, 2009, 5:30 pmHere's another one lol

Cold Hands
------------

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *nose* ever get cold?"


This post has been edited by Krovaxq: Nov 24 2009, 05:30 PM

Wife: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?

Husband: No, it's imagination.

haha i like both of these stories!

New Best Friend


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! ... He is!"

To marry


"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Old man mamma


Morris, a 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman in his arm.

In another checkup, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great aren't you?".

To this, Morris replied, "I'd just doing what u told me to doc: Get a hot Mamma and be cheerful."

Doc: Oh, I didn't said that. I said,

"You got a heart murmur, be careful"

dun understand

the guy that takes away his awful wife is gonna be someone he is grateful for.

Tiger Woods Unfaithful Joke


What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They’re both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians!

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between the iron or the wood.

Based on Tiger’s interests, his new product endorsements will be for Hostess.

This morning, his agent announced that the new nickname for Tiger will either be Cheetah or Lion.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be released?
“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.”

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Tiger just lost his endorsement with Gillette because now they can’t use his ad in which he says, “This was my closest shave yet.”

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

What do Tiger and Elin have in common? They both try to club his balls as hard as possible.

Tiger’s confused. Every OTHER time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

Usually Tiger makes it onto the fairway, but he’s in trouble on this round because he put one into the bush.

Did you hear about Tiger’s last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

More on Tiger Wood Club Affairs


$25 New Nike Golf Shoes……$125 New Cadillac Escalade….$60,000 New Nike Iron, wrapped around your head by jealous wife... PRICELESS ! !

FOR SALE one used golf club, use to be my favorite iron. helped me win the master's and the open. twice. slightly bent with several what appear to be teeth marks. NEED TO SELL, ASAP! WILL SHIP ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. JUST PLEASE! GET IT OUT OF HERE!!! - tiger

Most sports advocates believe Tiger Woods' incident with his wife will actually improve his golf game.
"...Let's face it; when you get hit in the head with a seven iron, you are going to see a lot of birdies...."

Don't you think it's suspicious that all of the sudden Phil Michelson thinks it's a great idea to install fire hydrants on all major golf courses?

Tiger made a poor selection when considering his last drive. The HumVee would have been a much safer option than the Escalade, considering the surprising strength of the furious "tail" wind that was blowing up behind him.

Anyone notice that all of the bimbos that helped bring down the Tiger are listed as "Club Ho(stesse)s"?
Strange for a guy renowned for "nearly flawless club selection".

"Relax, guys, Steve Williams is still my main caddy and always will be. Babette here is just along to pick out a good club from time to time and help polish my woods afterwards." - tiger

Tiger's wife really got pissed at his lame excuse. He said:
"Honey, I'm a golf pro. That means, every day, I need to play a round."

Neighbors of Tiger Woods shared that before the accident, they heard Tiger's wife, Elin screaming, "You are nothing but a dog!"
Ironically, Tiger immediately ran into a fire hydrant.

ayam not enjoice tigerwoods jokes
lol

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Added on December 6, 2009, 1:11 pmSeveral years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

This post has been edited by hizperion: Dec 6 2009, 01:11 PM

Santa's Elves Pickup Line


"No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

"You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

"I taught Santa everything he knows."

"I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

"Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

"I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

"I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

"I can get you off the Naughty List."