A Day At The Fair


Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars."

One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

"Fred, that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars," Ethel replied.

The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the hundred dollars."

Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."

"Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but hundred dollars is hundred dollars."

Having Trouble Spelling


A woman was sitting at the breakfast table reading a letter, when she suddenly looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"My mother says that she won't be coming to visit us this year," she said. "She says that she doesn't feel we really want her to come. What do you suppose she means by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Ummm, yes, I did," replied the husband. "But, er, I was having trouble spelling 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."

HAHAHAHAHHAHA...! this makes my days... wat a joke..

Mirror Mirror, On The Wall


A guy, returning home from a trip, noticed that his wife's breasts were larger, so he asked her what she had done.

She replied, "I said mirror mirror, on the wall, make my breasts DD and it happened."

The guy went and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "Mirror mirror, on the wall, make my penis touch the ground."

His legs fell off!



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 12 2007, 09:51 AM

Window Cleaner


Jim was making love to his wife the other day and she kept calling out the name of the window cleaner ... Jim was a little suspicious I can tell you ... until she got up and closed the curtains.

haha..this one make my day..very funny dude..thx.

More Romantically Inclined


Diane was married to a real male chauvinist. Although they both worked full-time, he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

One day Steve, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So, one evening, he declared to do her work.

When Diane arrived home from work, she was stunned to see the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner cooking on the stove, and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was truly astonished and wanted to know what was going on. When she asked Steve, he told her about the article he had read.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Diane said, "Steve even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But, what about afterward?" her friends asked anxiously.

"Oh, it didn't work out," Diane replied. "Steve was much too tired!"

Really Tied One On


A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Concerned Family


Eighty-five year old Grandpa had just broken the news to his family - he was going to marry a twenty-five year old nymphomaniac.

Upon hearing his news, the family became quite concerned. Taking him aside, his daughter said, "Dad, we're very concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove to be fatal."

"So what!" exclaimed Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies!"


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Mar 14 2007, 12:53 PM

In an actual wedding I've attended!

A person wishing the groom... "I don't know whether to congratulate you, or pity you."

The Conversationalist


A rather awkward and shy young man asked one of his more experienced friends how he was always so successful with the ladies.

"It's easy," explained his friend. ""The trick is to get the conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics: family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to have something to say about one of those subjects. Once you get her talking, it's easy from there."

The next night, the young man had a date, but in the first five minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table. Finally, remembering his friend's advice, he cleared his throat and began, "So, do you have a brother?"

"No," his date replied.

Noting that hadn't gone very well and his date hadn't offered any kind of follow-up information, he thought perhaps he would have better luck with food. "So, do you like Italian food?" he asked.

"No," replied his date.

Now desperate, he thought and thought, trying to come up with some kind of philosophical question. Finally, he said, "So, tell me, IF you had a brother, would HE have liked Italian food?"

So Much For Mom's Advice


A young man phoned his mother and excitedly announced that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "What should I do now, Mom?" he asked.

"Well, why don't you send her flowers and, on the card, invite her to your place for a home cooked meal?" his mother suggested.

The young man thought this sounded like a great idea. A week later, the woman came to dinner.

The following day, his mother called him to see how things had gone.

"I have never been so humiliated, Mom," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet!" groaned the young man.

To be 10 again.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

The Sandal Shop


While vacationing in Pakistan, a married couple were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ""You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So, the couple entered.

"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel," the Pakistani man said to them.

After what the Pakistani man claimed, the wife was very interesting in buying the sandals. However, her husband felt he didn't need them at all, being the sex god he was, so he asked the shop owner, "How can sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied by saying, "Just try them on."

After considerable badgering from his wife, the husband conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at his pants. All the while, the Pakistani man was screaming, "The wrong feet! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

Definite Water Problem


As soon as Susan arrived home, she said to her husband, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."

"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" he asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," Susan replied.

"Sweetheart," her husband said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."

"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor," insisted Susan.

"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" her husband asked.

"In the lake!" Susan replied.

Keeping Score


A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple doesn't have a guest room, the friend says he'll find a nearby hotel and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we are all friends here." The husband agrees, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring. The wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me," he says.

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."

The friend does and, sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked from his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, she's back on his side of the bed asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the fifth or sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side of the bed.

The husband then rolls over and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that your screwing my wife, but must you use my butt for a scoreboard!"

dont really get the keeping score jokes though... wat's the funny about it?

other than tat...thumbs up..keep it coming

Each hair yanked from his butt = 1 point. Get it?

i understand what he meant...6 hairs meaning 6 times spanking his wife...
but jst that i dont understand which part is the jokes?....

LOL..
Hilarious..
keep it up!