Couple in Heaven


This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.

The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.

The husband sneered,... "If it weren't for you and your God damned oat-bran muffins & all that health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago!"

100 Miles an Hour


A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Nun and the Hippie


A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way Bob the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.

The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Feb 18 2007, 08:07 AM

Rodeo Position


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's', and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

oh my...tis is really funny

Englishmen don't say soccer.

LOL read this quite some time ago but still can laugh when I read it again!

Medical Emergency


A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell are you doing?!?!?!", screamed the husband. "Change of plans," the physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little *******!."

Slow Talker


These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

Tiring of The Relationship


Jack and Don were at a bar having a few drinks, and Jack was complaining about his live-in girlfriend.

"I'm telling you, Don," Jack grumbled, "I've just about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home, night after night. I'm seriously contemplating moving out and ending the relationship."

"I can understand how that could be annoying," Don replied, "but just because she's interested in her career doesn't sound like a good enough reason to end the relationship."

"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker," insisted Jack.

Shake It Up


A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine, and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeee!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"P-L-E-A-S-E - TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"

OUCH~~~~~~~~

Letter to Dear Abby


Dear Abby:

I have been engaged to a really great girl for almost a year and will be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive, but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire weddding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it has grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then, she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I looked at my future mother-in-law and couldn't help but notice that not only is she "knock-dead" beautiful, but she also has the body of a Playboy centerfold. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with the situation. I headed straight out the front door ...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Hahahaha, good one!

Appropriate Punishment


While cleaning her son's room, a mom found a bondage S & M magazine in his closet. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He glanced at it briefly and handed it back to her without uttering a word. "Well," she said, "what do you think we should do about this?"

"I don't know," he replied, "but I don't think you should spank him."

Unannounced Visit


One day, wanting to surprise her husband, an executive's wife made an unannounced visit to his office. As she approached his doorway, her jaw nearly hit the floor when she saw him sitting in his chair with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitation, the executive dictated, "In conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, it is impossible for me to continue to operate this office with just one chair."

On Their Honeymoon


An elderly couple, both in their eighties, had just gotten married and are on their honeymoon. When they reach their hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed to wait for her groom who's in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits and waits until she can't wait any longer, so she gets up and goes to the bathroom. Opening the door and peeking in, she sees him struggling to put on a condom.

Letting out a giggle, she says, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm in my eighties and can't get pregnant anymore."

"Yes, I know, dear," he replies, "but you know how the dampness affects my arthritis."

dont get this one "In conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, it is impossible for me to continue to operate this office with just one chair."

That means with only one chair the secretary had to sit on his lap.

Learning How To Swim


An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.

"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."

"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."

"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"