his longer than the elephant??!!! WOW

Elevated Train


A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to go to the bar for a drink, but the wife is very tired from the trip and decides to go on up to their room to rest.

Just as she lies down on the bed, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shaking the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train goes by and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager, who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true. "Look," she says, "lie here on the bed ... you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, the manager lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband enters the room. "What are you doing here?!?" he shouts.

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the manager calmly replies.

The Morning After


Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

hahahahaha

i love this

Dietitian's Lecture


A dietitian was giving a lecture to a large audience.

"The materials we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us in this room, years ago. Red meat is very bad. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us even realize the germs that are in our drinking water. Given all that, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? What one food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A seventy year old man sitting in the front row jumped up and said, "Wedding cake!"

Traditional Upbringing


Arriving at their honeymoon suite the newlyweds realize that since they were both brought up the old traditional way, both were still virgins and neither knew how to have sex. After half an hour of trying to figure out how to go about things, the husband comes up with an idea.

"Ok, honey," he says, "here's what we'll do. You go into the bathroom and I'll go into the closet. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. On the count of three, we'll rush out at each other and it will happen right in the middle of the bedroom."

Not having any better ideas, the wife agrees. She goes into the bathroom and he goes into the closet. The anticipation is driving him crazy and as he starts to remove his clothes he begins to get an erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. Since the room is so dark, the husband becomes disoriented and rushes right past his wife ... right into a dresser, hitting his penis so hard against it that he passes out from the pain.

He comes to in a hospital bed with a doctor looking down on him. Still in a terrific amount of pain, he moans, "How bad is it doc?"

"You'll be fine, son," replies the doctor, "but wait until you see your wife. We still haven't been able to get her off the doorknob!"

The Decision Is Yours


A husband and wife were dining at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, plants a big kiss on the husband, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

The wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!?"

"Oh, that's my mistress," replies the husband.

"That's it! I've had enough! I want a divorce!" demands the wife.

"Ok, dear," the husband replies, "but do remember, if we get divorced, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in the Caribbean, no more summers on the Riviera, no more Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then, they notice a mutual friend enter the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Bill?" asks the wife.

"That's Bill's mistress," her husband replies.

"Oh, ours is far prettier!" the wife declares.

The Best Dinner In Years


An elderly woman was enjoying a game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening when she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, no! I must get home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time!"

When she got home, she realized she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she found in the cupboard was an egg, a wilted lettuce leaf and a can of cat food.

Panicking, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted him and watched in horror as he sat down to eat his dinner. Much to her surprise, he really enjoyed it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in all our years of marriage. You can make this for me any time you wish."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish for dinner. When she told her bridge cronies about it, they were horrified. "Good grief," they exclaimed. "You're going to kill him!"

A few months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing that you murdered your husband?"

"I didn't kill him," the woman calmly replied. "He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt!"

Expensive Cosmetics


A husband bought his wife a new line of expensive cosmetics that were guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After sitting in front of the mirror for a lengthy time, applying the miracle products, she asked, "Tell me honestly, darling, what age would you say I am?"

He looked her over carefully and replied, "Let's see. Judging from you skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're such a flatterer," she gushed.

"Hey, hold on a second," he interrupted, "I haven't added them up yet."

Most Dangerous Snake


NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Worldwide

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with a mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit which can reach distances of up to 2-3 feet. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: Attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:-

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: Completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyway.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:-

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The length of time it takes for the milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for approximately 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:-

Although very aggressive and active, this snake is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the proper respect, it makes a wonderful pet.

LOL.The snake joke really made my day.

I love the 'symptons' description. ROFL!!!

You oughta include this brilliant joke oucheev posted last year

http://forum.lowyat.net/index.php?showtopic=284912

I'll repost it here:

He was 80, she was 20. It was the talk of the town when they got married.

A year later she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse who congratulated the old geezer said, "You are amazing! How do you do it at your age?"

"You got to keep that old motor running," he said with pride.

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

"Wow," says the nurse.

"You certainly are quite the man. How do you keep doing it?"

Same answer, "Just got to keep the old motor running."

A year later, along comes baby number three.

The nurse remarks, "Still got that old motor running, eh?"

"Sure do," he says.

The nurse tells him, "Well, you better change your oil. This one's black!!"

hehe few days missing some jokes alridi....keep them comin

Masked Halloween Party


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. Unfortunately, the wife had a horrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued that there was no need for his good time to be spoiled just because she wasn't going. She was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and urged him to go to the party and enjoy himself.

After taking some aspirin and sleeping for an hour or so, the wife awakened without any pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband had no idea what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she wasn't with him.

She joined the party and quickly spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. She casually sidled up to him and being a seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and turned his attentions to her.

Naturally, since he was her husband, she allowed him to go as far as he wanted.

Eventually, he leaned closer to her and whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. The two of them went out to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. She put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

She was still awake when he came in so she asked him what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never enjoy myself when you're not with me," he replied.

"Did you dance very much?" she asked.

"I never even danced one dance," he said. "When I got there, I met up with a few of the guys, so we went into the den and played cards all evening. But I'll tell you ... the guy that borrowed my costume sure had a real good time!"

Years of Bad Sex


It was a warm, summer evening and Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch swing enjoying the night sounds.

Suddenly, without reason, Ma hauled off and cuffed Pa a good one right upside the head, causing him to fall off the swing.

Dazed, Pa pulled himself up and asked, "What the hell was that for?"

"That was for 30 years of bad sex!" Ma said. Without replying, Pa sat back down on the swing next to Ma.

After a few minutes of silence, Pa hauled off and smacked Ma upside the head equally hard, knocking her off the swing.

Dazed, Ma pulled herself up and asked, "What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the damn difference!" Pa growled.

LOL good one...

Feel like a woman


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

The Butler's Night Off


Since the wealthy couple had plans to attend an evening ball and would be out until very late, they told their butler he could have the night off to do as he pleased.

The couple went to the ball and dinner. After a couple of hours, the wife told her husband she was terribly bored and preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband told her to go ahead, but he would have to stay for a few more hours to meet some important business partners.

The wife left for home and when she arrived, she found their butler sprawled out on the couch watching television.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then, closer still. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, ""Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a very stern voice, shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"