Heh.


--- > Kalau makan pisang, buang kulit.. Kalau makan kulit buang apa?










Buang tebiat LOL.

21st Century...

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less

This bloke with Tourette`s Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.

`Where`s the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?`
he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, `Excuse me sir but could you
please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the
manager as soon as I can`.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, `Are you the chicken-fuvcking
manager of this ******* place?`

`Yes sir, I am,` replies the manager, `but I would prefer it if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant`.

`Pardon?` says the manager.

`Fuvcking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of s hit,
show
me your cun ting piano.`

`Ah,` replies the manager, `you`ve come about the pianist job` and shows
the bloke to the piano.

`Can you play any blues?`

`Of course I fuc king can,` and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.

`That`s superb. What`s it called?`

`I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
di cck,` replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.

`Magnificent,` cries the manager. `What`s it called?`

`I Wanted a w ank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the soap drawer`.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever
heard, `And what`s this called?` asks the manager

`As I furck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring-piece,` replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke`s language but offers him the
job on condition that he doesn`t introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.

She`s wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little g-string she`s
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She`s sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously masturbate.

He`s tugging away furiously when he hears the manager`s voice. `Where`s
that ******* pianist?`

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers
in his ear,

`Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?`

The bloke replies `Know it? I fucrking wrote it.`

sorry, i don't get the joke. explaination please?

`Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?`

The entire sentence above is the title for a song....

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop a and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back. A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house

huh???

meaning..that guy is having an affair with the barber wife.

It doesnt have to mean that....but its something around that idea. The joke is a bit hanging in the air imho...

This is good... Wonder if you guys read it before






When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!
"
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "*******
calling"
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Verizon.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"
O one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his
number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up
with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down
in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

More Cristiano Ronaldo hate jokes. No offence though....

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a
man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large
shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man,
but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time..

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England
shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a
harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached
out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark
to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along
with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic calling .......

It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to
Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they)

"I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England
team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team
are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing.
How's the bait holding up ?"

super joke love it

Man...that joke is good!!! Use Ronaldo for shark fishing

CERITA PAK PANDIR

Dari seorang teman...

Pak Pandir Stories 2

Pak Pandir penternak itik yang berjaya. Hasil pendapatannya yang pertama Pak Pandir membeli sebuah motorsikal.

Apabila Pak Pandir menunggang motorsikal tersebut dia hanya menggunakan gear satu. Perlahan dengan gear satu, laju dengan gear satu, naik bukit dengan gear satu. Akhirnya kerana hairan, seorang temannya Pak Kadok pun menegur, "Oi... Pandir, gunalah gear dua, tiga atau empat."

Pak Pandir menjawab, "biar berjimat, habiskan dulu satu persatu."

Sampai di lampu merah semua kenderaan berhenti, termasuk Pak Pandir. Namun ketika lampu telah hijau dia masih terus berdiri. Dari hijau ke kuning, merah kemudian hijau lagi, dia masih belum menjalankan motornya. Akhirnya datang polis, "Hei... kenapa belum jalan?"

"Belum ada warna lampu yang saya sukai Encik," jawabnya.

==================================

Setelah setahun, usahanya makin maju. Kemudian Pak Pandir memutuskan untuk membeli kereta. Sampai di lampu merah Pak Pandir kembali berhenti, namun pintu dibuka dan kakinya diturunkan sebelah. Melihat tingkahnya polis terus menghampiri. "Kenapa kaki awak diturunkan sebelah, Pak Pandir?" tanya polis.

"Aduh... lupa la Encik. Saya biasa naik motorsikal."

==================================

Pak Pandir ingin membeli tv warna. Dia pun ke kedai..

Pak Pandir : Awak ada jual tv warna?
Penjual : Ada.
Pak Pandir : Kasi saya tv warna hijau......

=================================

Pak Pandir mahu pastikan segala kerjanya dilakukan dengan baik. Jadi setelah membuat fotokopi untuk dokumen-dokumen itu, dia selalu membandingkan salinan itu dengan salinan yang asal. Takut kalau-kalau terdapat salah ejaan...

=================================

Pengurus : Pak Pandir, jika terdapat kecemasan, awak dail 911. Jangan lupa lagi.
Pak Pandir : Saya tak lupa Tuan. Masalahnya, saya tak nampak angka 11 di talipon ini..

=================================

Kerani : Tuan, ini faks dari Pak Pandir..
Pengurus : Macam mana awak tahu? Tak ada nama dia pun
Kerani : Di faks ini ada setem.....

==================================

pak pandir pandai skit la cakap bahasa inggeris, takat i am sorry, one sampai seven tu biasa bagi pak pandir.

alkisah, suatu hari pak pandir jalan-jalan naik keta ngan mak andeh gi kl. tetiba dia telanggar keta orang lain. alamak, orang putih la!, pak pandir mula gelabah, mak mandeh kata relaks abe?(ore klate) kecek la camana pun...

pak pandir pun keluar dari keta, orang putih pun keluar gak, pak pandir pun kata - i am sorry. orang putih tu pun kata - i am sorry 2. pak pandir dengar 2 apalagi dia jawab la - i am sorry 3. orang putih tu penin, dia kata - what sorry 4.

pak pandir apa lagi, dengar 4 dia terus jawab - i am sorry 5. orang putih 2 lagi pening, pastu bini orang putih tu kuar dari keta, dia pun berkata - i thing this man must be sick(6). pak pandir dengar 6 dia jawab lagi dengan selamba - i am sorry 7.....

=================================

pak pandir: mak andih.. oo mak andih..
mak andih : ya bang.. awat nya?
pak pandir: rasa nk makan pisang la plak.. wak mai pisang emas kt
dapoq tu..
mak andih : pisang tak masak lagi bang..
pak pandir: laaa.. gas abih dah ka?
mak andih : ????

=================================

Ketika menaiki sebuah pesawat Nuri ke sebuah kampung orang Asli di Paloh Inai, Pekan, Pahang, seorang pegawai Jabatan Hal Ehwal Orang Asli (JHEOA) berkata:

"Panasnya dalam helikopter ini ...".

Maka menjawablah Pak Pandir yang turut berada dalam helikopter itu:
"Mahu tak panas tuan ...kipasnya besar ...tapi di luar ..."

================================

Satu ketika di kampung Pak Pandir jauh di pendalaman Pahang, seorang pegawai kerajaan melihat Pak Pandir mempunyai handphone ...
"Wah Pak Pandir ...ada handphone ...ada coverage ka dekat sini ...?"

Jawab Pak Pandir: "Sini tak ada, tapi kalau encik mahu talipon saya punya handphone, kasi tau sama saya, saya boleh pergi ke bandar Rompin, sana ada coverage"

=================================


Pak Pandir mengadu pada pegawai kesihatan:
"Doktor, doktor kata kalau pakai itu kondom, Mak Andih saya tak boleh beranak, tapi selepas saya pakai, dia beranak juga, sudah berduyun-duyun anak saya."

Tanya pegawai kesihatan:
"Pakcik pakai kondom itu betulkah caranya?"

Jawab Pak Pandir:
"Saya pakai betul pada tempatnya, cumanya saya ini orang Islam, bila saya tengok kondom itu tidak bersunat,saya pun sunatkanlah (khatankan)..."

==================================

Pak Pandir yang menjual petai di tepi jalan berkata kepada seorang lelaki yang bercadang membeli petai itu ...

"Encik satu longok, RM1 sahaja.Tapi, kalau encik ambil semua, kira murah...RM20 sahaja."

Tanya lelaki berkenaan : "Berapa longok semuanya?"

Jawab Pak Pandir : "Semuanya 20 longgok ..."

=================================

Pak Pandir yang bekerja di sebuah kilang sebagai pengawal keselamatan berjumpa dengan manager minta cuti ...
"Tuan saya mahu minta cuti seminggu balik kampung, ada urusan keluarga. Bolehkah?

Jawab manager : "Cuti seminggu ...oklah, saya bagi cuti seminggu.

Selepas 14 hari, baru Pak Pandir balik bertugas.

Tanya si manager : "Kenapa dua minggu cuti?"

Jawab Pak Pandir : "Saya minta seminggu cuti. Tuan bagi seminggu cuti. Jadi dua minggulah ..

kisah Ayam Macho
Ceritanya berkisar di sebuah ladang penternakan ayam yang terletak
di Gunung Semanggol, tentang sebuah peternakan ayam. Disana ada 5
Ayam betina dan seekor ayam jalak (kira ayam jantan macholah) yang
umurnya sudah lanjut dimamah masa (cewah-cewah cam lam novel
percintaan lak).

Kerana merasa bahawa ayam jalak yang sudah tua tadi sudah melewati
masa suburnya, si pemilik ladang tersebut memutuskan untuk membeli
seekor ayam jalak lagi yang masih muda, tampan, segak, macho dan
yang sewaktu nya. Dengan secara tidak sengaja hal ini membuatkan
si ayam jalak tua menjadi merasa tersaing. Lalu bibit2 cemburu dan
hasat dengki menguasai dirinya, mulalah diyer mengatur srategi. Lalu
terjadi percakapan seperti ini :

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh, kamu jangan serakah sgt kat sini. Ayam
betinanya kan ada 25. Kamu boleh ambil yang 15, bakinya bagi aku.

Si ayam jalak muda: Banyak hensem ko punya muka,tua tak sedarkan
diri.Hang tu dah tua dah tak larat dah so semua untuk aku sahaja.

Si ayam jalak tua : Eh a...berlagak tul mamat seekor ni (jalak tua
bercakap lam ati yer). Seper kata aku tua tak larat lagi, ko jgn
pandang rendah pada aku, kang aku sekeh kang... O.klah, aku maleh
nak gaduh ngan budak hingusan cam ko ni (jalak tua, menunjukkan
eksennyer) so apa kata kalau kita pertontonkan kemanchoan kita ngan
mengadakan satu pertandingan. Siapa yang menang boleh ambil semua
ayam betina yang ada kat sini ayam ini. Yang kalah kirim salam.

Si ayam jalak muda: Aku.. aku boleh sahaja, pantang dicabar ni. Kita
nak buat pertandingan apa ni... cabut bulu ayam ker (jalak muda
membuat lawak loya beruk yer)

Si ayam jalak tua : Dak'ah! Senang jer pertandingan lumba lari.
Sambil tersenyum kambing,

Si ayam jalak muda:Set

Si ayam jalak tua : Lumbanya 400M. tapi karena aku sudah tua, aku
minta untuk lari dulu di depanmu 50 meter.

Si ayam jalak muda: Boleh (dengan penuh keyakinan).

Maka pertandingan pun dimulai. Ayam jalak tua lari dulu 50 meter
baru ayam jalak yang muda lari menyusul dengan kecepatan kuasa extra
gaban yang mengkagumkan. Eh, baru kurang 1 meter menyusul, si ayam
jalak muda ditembak langsung oleh pemilik peternakan.

Kenapa?????

[jawapan ada di bawah]

Kata Pemilik : "Kurang ajar. INI AYAM JALAK-HOMOSEKS NI. Asal setiap kali aku beli dapat yang macam ni SUKA SANGAT KEJAR-KEJAR AYAM JALAK TUA AKU"

NiLAI MORAL : Jgn berlagak ngan org tua (depa banyak trick yer,)

HORMATILAH ORANG YANG LEBIH TUA DARI KITA...

Dubya poke fun at Angela Merkel.

http://www.bild.t-online.de/BTO/news/aktue...es-attacke.html

LOL It's funny to read my 2 years ago's engrish xD

One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a "World Records" competition. The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won. The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and won. The third entered the 'smallest penis' contest -- and lost. He came away, very dejected.
"What happened?" asked his friends.

"Who's Bill Clinton?"

This post has been edited by Winfeel: Jul 26 2006, 07:17 PM

Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."


"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail


I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas???