One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.





MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."


SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."


MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."


SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."


MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."


SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"


MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your
responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

hahahahaa!!!!

lolz .... for u .....
give me TWO REASON !!!!

lol... he is the principal... really got me there

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

History Repeated

Year 1981

=========

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

3. Pope Died.



Year 2005

=========

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)

3. Pope Died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or Liverpool needs
another European crown ... please warn the Pope!


.... POOR POPE....!!!!!! ***

lmao.. so cham XD

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
>
> Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
> Son : "I will choose my own bride".
> Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
> Son : "Well, in that case..."
>
> Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
> Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
> Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
> Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
> Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
>
> Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
> Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
> President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
> Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
> President : "Ah, in that case....."
>
> This is how business is done!!

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

-----------------------------------------------

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall!

Since it was too to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up ...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle."

WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore
Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe
representative
were of tertiary level education or higher was because of
the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and
the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss
Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical
appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name
me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that
starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a
fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and
says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the
board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should
really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss
Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L",
they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human
anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching everywhere for the them but in vain.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly". So in this way, their love won and they returned homes.

The couple went to town to shop for a wedding dress for the bride. The guy was wearing a white shirt that day. Then as he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cementation was held on the very next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady told her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he, too, ignored it. Then when the girl had the dream the following night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother adviced her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately. She did as she was told, but to no avail. The next night she again had the same dream. She washed again... but some still remained. And on the 3rd night, she had the exact same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain away, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains. She used all her might to scrub...and the dress nearly tore, but patches of stubborn stains still remained! By late evening the same day, tired and all alone at home, the girl heard a knock on the door. When she opened the door, she saw the same old lady in her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up and gave her a blue object.
Still in shock, the girl asked, "What is this..? " The old lady replied...

"Try Dynamo Liquid Soap... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Heehee...I know how you all are feeling now...I have been through this too mah.

But don't look at me like that leh...I'm also hunting for the idiot who mailed this to me...!

the version i read was Fab baru bar soap

Every time Bee Hoon sees Maggie Mee,
he will tell her: "I don't like you; I hate you and don't wish to see you again!"
And, every time Maggie Mee will ignore him and walk away.

After months, Bee Hoon came across Spaghetti, who came from Italy.
Bee Hoon got very angry when he saw her.
Can you guess what Bee Hoon said to Spaghetti?


Give you 10 seconds to think and scroll down......
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > >

This is what Bee Hoon said to Spaghetti:
"Maggie Mee!! Don't think that I can't recognise you!
You've gone for Rebonding"!!! Get Lost!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man can go two weeks without eating. But if he doesn't rest at all,
he can only survive for one week. Sleeping provides us the time to rest
our internal organs, eyes and brains. Poor sleep quality can cause
internal damage to our internal organs and brains. Therefore, sleeping is
very important to us. If you wish to have a long life and stay healthy,
please take note of the advice below.


5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if
you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects
on your health.

DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than
12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without
it.

DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not
encouraged.
Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the
phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items
including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These
waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to
put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long
run.
Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in
breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go
into deep sleep.

DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE
You may never wake up again.



This post has been edited by leinnz: Aug 11 2005, 02:21 PM

hahahaha..........

nice one....

------------------------Good Manners -------------------------------
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions
the students,one by one.

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice
young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very
nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I
have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..............

erm u guys know the star wars subtitled by the chinese ar..////?? damn farnee1 le ...

wow! Peter is one expert!