Ok then. You are right and I am wrong. 

I hope then you will be able to impart some helpful advice on how best to deal with it.

Actually, the dependency hypothesis is far more valid than your empty nest conjecture, and is just as accepted, if not more, by psychologists. It creates dependency, it's not a conjecture, it's observable and predictable behavior. (Try searching "mother treats son" on google and watch it auto-predicts with "like a husband")

In this instance, is NOT empty nest as the mother is highly attached to the eldest son, even though the younger son lives with her.

So it's not even a case of my conjecture vs yours. It's simply you being wrong vs me being right.

Already there. Apparently, you had only read 1 line of what I posted.

And just to be sure, so that I read up on the correct hypothesis put forth by you, is this it - Dependency Personality Disorder

I tried searching for "dependency personality" but every time Google kicks back the the same links that go to "Dependent personality disorder". I am not sure whether you meant they are the same or are they two different things.

Thanks.

You can have a certain personality and not have it affect your life. A personality disorder indicates a dysfunction.

E.g. Obsessive compulsive behavior is not necessarily a disorder, UNLESS it starts affecting your daily life, then it becomes OCD. Meaning, you are aware of it, you don't want to do it, but you do it anyway.

So in her case, would you say that the mother has progressed from "behaviour" to "disorder"?

I've not said such thing. Don't know why you assume as such.

I was asking whether your opinion on whether you thought it had, simply because you seem to know where to draw the line between "behaviour" and "disorder".

Geez man, stop being so defensive.

Okay I hope this is the right place to share my problem and request for advice especially from those who experienced the same issue with me... 

Let's talk about the background of my boyfriend and his family. His parents are divorced and left with only Mother, First Son (boyfriend) and Second Son. The mother never remarried though she did had few boyfriends along the way. From the way I observed and from what his favourite aunty told me, his mother ALWAYS PAMPERS him since young and calls him every day without fail. The younger brother was more of a lesser favourite among both ... high possibility that my boyfriend looks a lot like his father and also because he's the first born. Because of that, my boyfriend took advantage of her over-pampering characteristics when he was young but now he's a lot better .

Okay brief history over.. let's look at current situation.

My boyfriend is now 32 years old. We've dated for a year already. When I gave my number to his mother initially, I thought I was scoring high because she was calling me every now and then to tell me to take care of him, give me medicine (he's a little unwell and I do not really want to share .. don't worry it's not fatal and it's only minor sickness that he as an adult can handle    ), tell me not to pamper him too much or he'll take advantage, tell me to be firm with him. Yea it was enjoyable knowing that his mother entrusted her favourite son to me.

But.. as time goes by.. her calls to me became more and more frequent to a daily ritual. She would call to tell me the same thing for the past one year.. "Give him medicine, I boiled chinese herbal drink and I'm coming over to pass to you, don't be too nice to him, be firm with him, be nice to him, I can't call him where is he?? I made him some barley and coming to your house to pass to you, remember give him medicine, be firm with him, be nice with him, I can't call him do you know where is he? Is he with you?"

Note : He moved out and staying with me now.

Yea perhaps to most of you, just reading like this seems normal and perhaps something to be proud of .. but PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS ... the frequency of her calls to me and to him daily becomes an overload for me to handle. It's like a mother who just refuse to treat her son as a man ... a real 32 year old man. He's embarrassed by it at times cause when I talk to him about his mother's obsessed behaviour, he would get angry.

I later found out from my boyfriend that she's like that since young .. he told me that she pampers him a lot and treats him like a child. Even now when he's 32, she would still call him at least 10 times a day (I know cause he shows me all her calls and missed calls) and he would get really annoyed sometimes leading to argument because she would do it during our working day. Like yesterday when she called him during his meeting. She called few times (because by now me and him often refuse to pick up her calls cause we knew it'll always be the same topic). After 3rd or 4th ring he picked up during the meeting worried it was emergency.

Him : Hello?
Mom : ... Where are you??

BOOM! He exploded and argument started. I don't blame him for being annoyed with her. It's working day, and working time .. and an obsessed mother would call and ask where is he when he's very busy in a meeting ... I would react the same way too.

By now I have stopped picking up her calls and my boyfriend too stopped picking up her calls ... he would let her call him many times and only pick up when he's convenient or night time. But the topic will always be the same ... "Have you taken your medicine? I boiled you barley, I'm coming over to pass to you. How come never pick up my call?? Don't be rude to me! Etc etc etc"

For me, I totally stopped picking up her call. In fact I have blocked her incoming calls and asked my boyfriend to tell her that my sim card is broken. Yes I'm that afraid of her now! I couldn't take the nagging sound of her daily telling me the same thing over and over again .. it's like an obsession to a young child!
Again I ask you all this ... reading seems easy as compare to experiencing it. Please be empathetic with me and understand my situation here. I don't hate her of course. And I don't think there is anything wrong with a mother's love... but in this case I personally feel that it's more of a love that leads to an obsession. He's 32 and I'm 29 .. we're both adults .. and we're feeling the burden of his mother constantly nagging down our necks. He told me she did the same to his ex-girlfriend too last time.. constantly calling her over the same topic. That time his ex stayed with them under one roof. Called her, knock on the door to talk to her about him when he went out ... or sometimes when they argue downstairs she would walk to the room where she's hiding and knock on the door to talk to her ... etc etc etc.

I'm not worried of marriage but I'm worried that one day she might stay with us .. and there's no way of me escaping the face-to-face daily nagging and treating us like children ...

Please help ... I'm desperate ... 

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Some updates of my recent findings: http://ezinearticles.com/?Parental-Obsessi...ction&id=690964

"Umbilical Addiction, the most common form of this disorder is in women, the maternal instinct propagating into an obsessive need to smother and control, turning the child eventually into an over weaned, incapable shadow."

"As the child becomes older, the early spoiling tactics produce unacceptable acts of rebellion and disobedience, usually incurring the disapproval of the rest of the family. The child staggers into adolescence displaying alarming behavioral dysfunctions such as thieving, lying, rudeness, and always the young adult will continue to remain closely attached to the very parent causing the damage." - Yes he used to be very rebellious when he was young but good thing is he's not attached to his mother.

"Elaborate lies may be invented to cover misdemeanors, both by the parent and the offspring, until eventually, as the young adult leaves school and enters the workplace, the delinquent has developed into a dangerous, ego obsessed, narcissistic psychopath." - He's not dangerous or psycho but he's narcissistic and to an extent, egoistic but bearable.

Like I said, I have not said anything about the mother having a disorder. Again, I don't know where you would derive it. If you don't know how to draw a line between a behaviour and a disorder, then you should do more reading.

We knew each other for almost 9 years, on-off relationship for 3 . and officially broke up 3 months ago. THE ex'- mom was exactly a stalker reborn.

the other reason why we broke up eternally was because my ex- was a guy who complains and whine about his mother but do nothing against it.... thus spoiling his mother to continue on with what she do best. by the end of the day, it seems to be either her mother or me.

We knew each other for almost 9 years, on-off relationship for 3 . and officially broke up 3 months ago. THE ex'- mom was exactly a stalker reborn.

the other reason why we broke up eternally was because my ex- was a guy who complains and whine about his mother but do nothing against it.... thus spoiling his mother to continue on with what she do best. by the end of the day, it seems to be either her mother or me.

ever heard this phrase before? Husband are wife's first child