Okay I hope this is the right place to share my problem and request for advice especially from those who experienced the same issue with me...

Let's talk about the background of my boyfriend and his family. His parents are divorced and left with only Mother, First Son (boyfriend) and Second Son. The mother never remarried though she did had few boyfriends along the way. From the way I observed and from what his favourite aunty told me, his mother ALWAYS PAMPERS him since young and calls him every day without fail. The younger brother was more of a lesser favourite among both ... high possibility that my boyfriend looks a lot like his father and also because he's the first born. Because of that, my boyfriend took advantage of her over-pampering characteristics when he was young but now he's a lot better .

Okay brief history over.. let's look at current situation.

My boyfriend is now 32 years old. We've dated for a year already. When I gave my number to his mother initially, I thought I was scoring high because she was calling me every now and then to tell me to take care of him, give me medicine (he's a little unwell and I do not really want to share .. don't worry it's not fatal and it's only minor sickness that he as an adult can handle ), tell me not to pamper him too much or he'll take advantage, tell me to be firm with him. Yea it was enjoyable knowing that his mother entrusted her favourite son to me.

But.. as time goes by.. her calls to me became more and more frequent to a daily ritual. She would call to tell me the same thing for the past one year.. "Give him medicine, I boiled chinese herbal drink and I'm coming over to pass to you, don't be too nice to him, be firm with him, be nice to him, I can't call him where is he?? I made him some barley and coming to your house to pass to you, remember give him medicine, be firm with him, be nice with him, I can't call him do you know where is he? Is he with you?"

Note : He moved out and staying with me now.

Yea perhaps to most of you, just reading like this seems normal and perhaps something to be proud of .. but PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS ... the frequency of her calls to me and to him daily becomes an overload for me to handle. It's like a mother who just refuse to treat her son as a man ... a real 32 year old man. He's embarrassed by it at times cause when I talk to him about his mother's obsessed behaviour, he would get angry.

I later found out from my boyfriend that she's like that since young .. he told me that she pampers him a lot and treats him like a child. Even now when he's 32, she would still call him at least 10 times a day (I know cause he shows me all her calls and missed calls) and he would get really annoyed sometimes leading to argument because she would do it during our working day. Like yesterday when she called him during his meeting. She called few times (because by now me and him often refuse to pick up her calls cause we knew it'll always be the same topic). After 3rd or 4th ring he picked up during the meeting worried it was emergency.

Him : Hello?
Mom : ... Where are you??

BOOM! He exploded and argument started. I don't blame him for being annoyed with her. It's working day, and working time .. and an obsessed mother would call and ask where is he when he's very busy in a meeting ... I would react the same way too.

By now I have stopped picking up her calls and my boyfriend too stopped picking up her calls ... he would let her call him many times and only pick up when he's convenient or night time. But the topic will always be the same ... "Have you taken your medicine? I boiled you barley, I'm coming over to pass to you. How come never pick up my call?? Don't be rude to me! Etc etc etc"

For me, I totally stopped picking up her call. In fact I have blocked her incoming calls and asked my boyfriend to tell her that my sim card is broken. Yes I'm that afraid of her now! I couldn't take the nagging sound of her daily telling me the same thing over and over again .. it's like an obsession to a young child!


Again I ask you all this ... reading seems easy as compare to experiencing it. Please be empathetic with me and understand my situation here. I don't hate her of course. And I don't think there is anything wrong with a mother's love... but in this case I personally feel that it's more of a love that leads to an obsession. He's 32 and I'm 29 .. we're both adults .. and we're feeling the burden of his mother constantly nagging down our necks. He told me she did the same to his ex-girlfriend too last time.. constantly calling her over the same topic. That time his ex stayed with them under one roof. Called her, knock on the door to talk to her about him when he went out ... or sometimes when they argue downstairs she would walk to the room where she's hiding and knock on the door to talk to her ... etc etc etc.

I'm not worried of marriage but I'm worried that one day she might stay with us .. and there's no way of me escaping the face-to-face daily nagging and treating us like children ...

Please help ... I'm desperate ...

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Some updates of my recent findings: http://ezinearticles.com/?Parental-Obsessi...ction&id=690964

"Umbilical Addiction, the most common form of this disorder is in women, the maternal instinct propagating into an obsessive need to smother and control, turning the child eventually into an over weaned, incapable shadow."

"As the child becomes older, the early spoiling tactics produce unacceptable acts of rebellion and disobedience, usually incurring the disapproval of the rest of the family. The child staggers into adolescence displaying alarming behavioral dysfunctions such as thieving, lying, rudeness, and always the young adult will continue to remain closely attached to the very parent causing the damage." - Yes he used to be very rebellious when he was young but good thing is he's not attached to his mother.

"Elaborate lies may be invented to cover misdemeanors, both by the parent and the offspring, until eventually, as the young adult leaves school and enters the workplace, the delinquent has developed into a dangerous, ego obsessed, narcissistic psychopath." - He's not dangerous or psycho but he's narcissistic and to an extent, egoistic but bearable.

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Some updates ...

24th August, Saturday - My boyfriend and I went to Malacca to visit a temple for prayers. His mother called him while we were getting ready to burn joss stick and pray (there were about minimum 8 Gods there to pray). Hence, he told his mother that we were about to start our prayers and conversation ended. We silent our phones, put our things aside and went off to pray to each God.

After were were done and checked out phones, I had 18 missed calls and he had 10 missed calls from his mother. I even had 3 sms from his mother asking "Why you don't want to pick up my call" and "Pick up my call"

So I quickly told my boyfriend to return her call. We already knew what was going to happen since she could sms me like that. The moment he called she went mad and scolded him for not picking up her call and he started reasoning with her that we were praying and we silent off our phones and put aside to avoide distractions at a sacred place. She refused to accept his reasoning and said, "You could have at least sms me!!" He explained again that we both silent our phones and PLACED ASIDE so we won't even realize anybody was calling. But she refuse to accept and continued to scold him with unreasonable excuses. He got angry and shouted back and all I could see from the temple entrance was him shouting over the phone far away from the temple. After that nothing happened until ...


26th August, Monday - When we got back from work, shortly after that his mother got home. I called her as most would do when an elderly is around to show respect but she never bother to respond to me. She just nodded her head and went off to do her things. I then left to take my bath while my boyfriend cooked dinner. Next thing I knew, while showering in the loud gushing water, I could actually hear my boyfriend and my mother shouting at each other out of sudden. I ended my bath and listen to their shouts. Neighbours were watching. But I could clearly hear what was the argument about ... it was about the incident that we didn't pick up her call on Saturday when we were praying. "OMG" I was thinking ... I could hear her clearly saying that "You both never bother to answer my call! No respect!! Called so many times!!" and "You both could have sms me if cannot pick up!!" When he kept repeating, "We were praying and we silent our phones and placed aside!! We need to respect the sacred place! At least we returned your call immediately after that!!" But she still repeated the same thing, "Excuses!! You both just want to avoid me! Move out!! Move out of the house!!"

@_@

There I was hiding in my room and next thing I know she came to the room knocking hardly on the door. "Neshimaru!! I'm telling you now .. you and my son have no respect for me! Both of you move out!!" and she continued to bang the door as my boyfriend trying to stop her. I got angry and opened the door and then explain to her firmly what happened at Malacca, that we were praying. But she pointed her finger at me with her piercing eyes and shouted, "You both have no respect for me!! Move out!!"

I cried after that and had no choice but to call her sister who is my boyfriend's aunt to talk to while they continued arguing. His aunt thought it was odd too that she took it so offensively and kept it for days and bring it back up to argue with us. She calmed me down over the phone and assured us that she will talk to the mother.

This post has been edited by Neshimaru: Aug 27 2013, 11:33 AM

Thank you for your kind sympathy ..



I think so too .. I think she needs to learn to let go of her child before things becomes worst ...

I tried talking to him but he gets agitated whenever I do cause he's embarrassed by it ... so I don't want to put too much burden on him.



I didn't plan to salvage. In fact I told him to pick up her calls whenever she call but I also understand why he doesn't because every call is the same and he's too busy. Once a day is alright but few times a day saying the same thing ... it's hard for him to be patient for a long period of time especially being a Manager and chasing datelines. If you ask me what would I do when I'm a mother .. I guess it's mother and daughter influence. I would do like how my mother treats me and my brothers too. My mother now do not breath down our necks as we are all adults and have moved out (I'm the youngest and I'm already 29). She always tells us that we are all adults and she doesn't want to treat us like children anymore. Any mistakes that we do outside is our own to learn and experience. She just want to enjoy her retirement without us distracting her peaceful retirement life. That's why it's whole different situation for my boyfriend's mother because she's totally opposite from my mother. He loves her very dearly but he just want to be treated as a grown man ... guess not everybody can understand our situation.

Oh on a side note .. my parents are divorced too and me and my siblings followed our mother side. And I'm sorry about your mother passing on.




Hmm.. is that necessary? I doubt she needs to see one but I feel that my boyfriend should talk to her one-to-one ... to tell her that he's a grown man but he will never leave her .. to tell her to let him grow up or it will ruin his future as a man and a bread winner in the family. I can't be the one to talk to her since i've only dated him 1 year .. I feel that I'm not in the position to be that honest with her just yet. She can get really pushy and aggressive with us at times over the phone and it's heavy on our shoulders ...

Thanks for your comments ... I did some readings about codependency between parents and children after reading your comment and it does show in my boyfriend .. which is an eye opener for me. He's very much dependent on my strong personality but as he says it.. "I love your strong personality .. stronger than me!"

I think this whole issue is going to ruin the son's characteristics if he doesn't want to really sit down and listen to me about all these behavioural problems... He's a nice person overall.. don't get me wrong by thinking he's a bad person now..

Yes I did thought about that .. I did once suggested to my boyfriend that perhaps she needs to find some new hobbies that involved in groups or a new partner to share her retirement life with ... but it didn't really get into his head.. perhaps I will try again when the time and place is right to bring this up .. he's still very sensitive whenever I bring it up due to the fact he's embarrassed about it ...



Will try to talk to him again .. thanks!

Thanks for your comment. Don't worry .. by posting this I'm prepared and I'm open to any criticism because it's a very subjective issue unless everybody is in my shoes. I cannot expect people to 100% understand the pressure I'm going through. Oh we moved out cause that's what we want and decided. More of a modern mentality. We both do not want to stay under our parents roof at this point of time and prefer to be more independent with ourselves. My mother is fine .. she's totally opposite from his mother. She said, "Oh go ahead and enjoy your life now. You are adult enough to be on your own and learn your own mistakes. If there's anything you need I'll be there for you. Otherwise, make the most out of your life before more commitments come into your way." Of course.. to be fair my mother is a modern type moms. His mother, I'm not sure. Will be unfair for me to judge what type of mother she is.


Haha I have been telling him often to not ignore her calls or at least drop her an sms if he can't pick up her calls to say he's busy in a meeting or at work. He's still kinda reluctant because he cannot handle the intensive nagging anymore .. again I said .. I can't blame him. He's 32 and his mother is treating him like a child in front of me. Men overall (not all) will have their ego put down into the hole with that sort of things happening in front of their female partners.



Yea she is very stubborn .. he did told her before to not call us every day for the same reason. This is confirmed by his aunty (mother's elder sister) that the mother has the tendency to OVER PAMPER her son till this day and the aunty have been advising her continuously to stop treating him like a child. The aunty told me personally about this. If the relatives come into the picture, then yea .. I think it's a serious behavioral issue now...


Well I can't say she's a crazy mother in law .. the crazy ones are those who want to break off the children's relationship. She doesn't have any motive to do that. Just overly worried and overly obsessed with the sons whereabouts, health, etc .. when he's already 32 years old! Good thing she's not those from the program called "Monster-In-Law" that we can see in Astro lately... she's just obsessed I guess.

Sigh .. I wish his younger brother can do something about it since he's staying with her. But I pity him.. he's not really the favourite. And he's not happy about it. She showers all her love onto my boyfriend who is her first son but the second son .. just shun aside like a blacksheep. Problems problems problems ...


Yes you're right .. as I mentioned to some here .. she give her whole love to my boyfriend but hardly ever give much attention to the youngest son. I pity the younger brother actually. He's not happy with how much she favour my boyfriend since young. My boyfriend showed me the photo album before. She would decorate the album with his photos with tons of flowers and cut outs and writings ... like a typical scrap book ... but when he showed me his younger brother's album .. it wasn't anything near like my boyfriend's ..

I honestly don't hate her .. but I really think my boyfriend needs to talk to her and do something about it. Not to say throw her into some old folks home of course! I'll kill him for doing that! But I think she needs to be occupied with some other things she love to do ... hobbies would be great.



Well quite logical .. I doubt she's too bored at home that she needs to call him unnecessarily .. i believe it's more than that ... but I can't conclude anything that may lead to false accusation about his mother. Just concern that this will create problem in our relationship. Though I do feel that if she has a hobby now it will keep her mind occupied from all the intense obsession with the phone calls ... Sigh .. I just need help .. I hope my post do not cause any arguments among people here...

Mother issues can be a very sensitive topic but I'm desperate for some constructive advise.

Are you in relation to my boyfriend?? Haha!! He'll be supporting your idea 100% cause he's trying his best to find ways to propose me! Joke aside.. I think you do have a good idea .. a grandchild would keep her smiling bright day and night .. and i'll have somebody to help me look after when I'm back to work ... of course I would get worried that she may convert her obsession to her grandchild that even me and my HUSBAND have no say to discipline our child! But good idea nevertheless!!

No need to call .. he's been bugging me to quickly get married with him cause he is very much ready to settle down In fact he plans to propose to me this year and register by this year. He will be very grateful for your great idea!!



Hobbies always keep people occupied and HAPPY!

We didn't MAKE her boil medicine .. and I did advice and sometimes scold him many times to go home and see her and spend time with her but he refuse. I can't force people to do things against their will right? I'm just a third party in this family feud. His mother wants me to side her, he wants me to side him. That's why I'm here for help my friend. It's ok I'm ready for criticism .. it's a very subjective topic unless somebody experience it EXACTLY the way I am experiencing now There's no right and wrong answers here but helpful advice would be much appreciated

Thank you for your advice

That's why I said "sometimes" I scold him .. mostly I advice cause he's still a man after all.. no point raising voice at him. I even planned for dim sum breakfast with her and his younger brother before but it never work .. he just doesn't want to do it. I really don't want to be the bad person here and I definitely don't want to make myself look like a victim. I hope you understand. Even during CNY I purposely buy her a big expensive CNY hamper to cheer her up, as a reason to see her personally alongside with my boyfriend. In fact even when his mother do come and hand over the herbal drinks she personally made, he would send me to see her instead. He wouldn't want to see her because they'll end up arguing like cats and dogs .. both would be raising their voices outside our home and neighbours would be looking

I did talk to his mom personally before that he's a grown person already and that in order to talk to him, we have to treat him like an adult. But still the same .. whenever she DO see him, she would nag him with a strict and firm tone. And it's been like this for many years and he just .. snapped. He couldn't handle it anymore. Even his aunt (mother's sister) had to tell her directly many times to stop treating him like a young child. Maybe like what others mentioned here .. she's traditional. And at times she can be so traditional that if he's sick for a long time, she would quickly bring him to see a medium instead of a read doctor thinking it's some "dirty" things disturbing him.

I'm lost ...

He do love her .. he can get very protective of her if anybody dare to hurt her or talk bad things about her. I also agree with you that her intentions are good though method is wrong ... even up till today I still remind him to "Please pick up your mother's call and talk to her" .. I honestly don't like to be the middle person cause both wants me to be on their side and I don't want to hurt either one. That's why I blocked her calls temporarily while talking to him nicely to go home and spend time with her or pick up her calls, etc .. but he always tell me that she's very "annoying" .. and he has a very stubborn character ... Both mother and son stubborn lor .... Anyway I really appreciate you talking to me about this problem! Perhaps I will try to re-plan a dim sum breakfast for the whole family and see how it goes from there.

YES!! It's me!! I don't know why! On top of that I'm working full time plus studying masters and all these additional burden is killing me! I need a vacation!


My bf choose not to pick up and pretend as if nothing happened and that's how I came into the picture. She would call or sms me daily to know his whereabouts and etc. It has now reached to a point that even MYSELF became too afraid of picking up her calls, ignoring her calls, cause she would throw her tantrum on me about her son ignoring her DAILY calls giving tons of nagging statements even during working hours. I have tons of things to worry in my job and my masters and I seriously can't handle distracting matters such as these.



Thanks

Lol! My boyfriend doing the same too but somehow she's too damn stubborn to the point she would want to come over to our place to see him .. and when she does .. she literally nags him non-stop and they would argue outside our house and neighbours would be staring!


Yea yea she would say that to my boyfriend! "Don;t be so rude to me!" And I wish my boyfriend would reply, "Then don't treat me like a 10 year old boy! I'm 32 now so stop treating me like a child and hounding me on my whereabouts especially in front of my girlfriend!!" Seriously .. I really believe he shouldn't be treated that way especially in front of me .. it really puts his pride down and I pity him for that! Sometimes I can tell that he just wants to hide his face in a hole when his mother does that in front of me!




Lucky you!! Your partner won't have any problems like me then!

... I'm sorry to hear about your story ... Nah not solved yet. I need to find the right time and place to talk to my bf cause he doesn't like me bringing it up. It embarrasses him. No not solved yet... Yesterday night she called him again say she wanted to come to our place to give him medicine and herbal drink again. He didn't want to. He knew it'll lead to another loud argument outside our house cause she would nag him and neighbours would stare again. Aihz ... Both mother and son very stubborn.

That's why I kept advising him that he should go home every now and then and spend time with her. Bring her out for dim sum breakfast. I try to organize also he don't want. So partly also it's his fault I must say. But easier to deal with him than his mother .. scary leh deal with future MIL He doesn't have sisters and he's the first born so yea.. pretty natural he's the favourite. On top of that he looks a lot like his ex-father (divorced parents).

Myself can't say the same. My mother (divorced parents too) favor my brother more than me. He's first born of course. When I wanted to buy house and I'm short of RM5-8k, my mother would say, "Don't ask me .. I don't have the money to lend you"

Then a week later she (probably forgotten what she told me about no money) shared her plans to GIVE (not lend) RM15k to my brother to open a mobile phone shop business .... Imagine my dilemma of holding back my anger. And that was just one of thousands of things that happens to me that shows how much she favours my brother more than me. I'm like a black sheep in the family and it feels empty.

Hmm topic seems to be running off...

I feel you ...

True ... the more we give in, the more she thinks she can do whatever she wants with us ... and it can be very unhealthy for our relationship. Perhaps by doing so that will force her to divert her attention to her younger son who's still staying with her. She doesn't show the same affection to the younger son compare to my bf and the younger son is not happy about it. I think it's time she should do something about it before she totally destroys her whole family.

You just hit the right concern that I'm having.. I'm worried she might think that I'm the one influencing her son to go against her and that would be problem when we want to get married one day. Sigh.. trying to be a good partner and a good daughter-in-law can be troublesome. But others such as yourself do give a good advice .. "You're going to marry him one day.. not the mother. So why worry?"