Okay I hope this is the right place to share my problem and request for advice especially from those who experienced the same issue with me...

Let's talk about the background of my boyfriend and his family. His parents are divorced and left with only Mother, First Son (boyfriend) and Second Son. The mother never remarried though she did had few boyfriends along the way. From the way I observed and from what his favourite aunty told me, his mother ALWAYS PAMPERS him since young and calls him every day without fail. The younger brother was more of a lesser favourite among both ... high possibility that my boyfriend looks a lot like his father and also because he's the first born. Because of that, my boyfriend took advantage of her over-pampering characteristics when he was young but now he's a lot better .

Okay brief history over.. let's look at current situation.

My boyfriend is now 32 years old. We've dated for a year already. When I gave my number to his mother initially, I thought I was scoring high because she was calling me every now and then to tell me to take care of him, give me medicine (he's a little unwell and I do not really want to share .. don't worry it's not fatal and it's only minor sickness that he as an adult can handle ), tell me not to pamper him too much or he'll take advantage, tell me to be firm with him. Yea it was enjoyable knowing that his mother entrusted her favourite son to me.

But.. as time goes by.. her calls to me became more and more frequent to a daily ritual. She would call to tell me the same thing for the past one year.. "Give him medicine, I boiled chinese herbal drink and I'm coming over to pass to you, don't be too nice to him, be firm with him, be nice to him, I can't call him where is he?? I made him some barley and coming to your house to pass to you, remember give him medicine, be firm with him, be nice with him, I can't call him do you know where is he? Is he with you?"

Note : He moved out and staying with me now.

Yea perhaps to most of you, just reading like this seems normal and perhaps something to be proud of .. but PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS ... the frequency of her calls to me and to him daily becomes an overload for me to handle. It's like a mother who just refuse to treat her son as a man ... a real 32 year old man. He's embarrassed by it at times cause when I talk to him about his mother's obsessed behaviour, he would get angry.

I later found out from my boyfriend that she's like that since young .. he told me that she pampers him a lot and treats him like a child. Even now when he's 32, she would still call him at least 10 times a day (I know cause he shows me all her calls and missed calls) and he would get really annoyed sometimes leading to argument because she would do it during our working day. Like yesterday when she called him during his meeting. She called few times (because by now me and him often refuse to pick up her calls cause we knew it'll always be the same topic). After 3rd or 4th ring he picked up during the meeting worried it was emergency.

Him : Hello?
Mom : ... Where are you??

BOOM! He exploded and argument started. I don't blame him for being annoyed with her. It's working day, and working time .. and an obsessed mother would call and ask where is he when he's very busy in a meeting ... I would react the same way too.

By now I have stopped picking up her calls and my boyfriend too stopped picking up her calls ... he would let her call him many times and only pick up when he's convenient or night time. But the topic will always be the same ... "Have you taken your medicine? I boiled you barley, I'm coming over to pass to you. How come never pick up my call?? Don't be rude to me! Etc etc etc"

For me, I totally stopped picking up her call. In fact I have blocked her incoming calls and asked my boyfriend to tell her that my sim card is broken. Yes I'm that afraid of her now! I couldn't take the nagging sound of her daily telling me the same thing over and over again .. it's like an obsession to a young child!


Again I ask you all this ... reading seems easy as compare to experiencing it. Please be empathetic with me and understand my situation here. I don't hate her of course. And I don't think there is anything wrong with a mother's love... but in this case I personally feel that it's more of a love that leads to an obsession. He's 32 and I'm 29 .. we're both adults .. and we're feeling the burden of his mother constantly nagging down our necks. He told me she did the same to his ex-girlfriend too last time.. constantly calling her over the same topic. That time his ex stayed with them under one roof. Called her, knock on the door to talk to her about him when he went out ... or sometimes when they argue downstairs she would walk to the room where she's hiding and knock on the door to talk to her ... etc etc etc.

I'm not worried of marriage but I'm worried that one day she might stay with us .. and there's no way of me escaping the face-to-face daily nagging and treating us like children ...

Please help ... I'm desperate ...

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Some updates of my recent findings: http://ezinearticles.com/?Parental-Obsessi...ction&id=690964

"Umbilical Addiction, the most common form of this disorder is in women, the maternal instinct propagating into an obsessive need to smother and control, turning the child eventually into an over weaned, incapable shadow."

"As the child becomes older, the early spoiling tactics produce unacceptable acts of rebellion and disobedience, usually incurring the disapproval of the rest of the family. The child staggers into adolescence displaying alarming behavioral dysfunctions such as thieving, lying, rudeness, and always the young adult will continue to remain closely attached to the very parent causing the damage." - Yes he used to be very rebellious when he was young but good thing is he's not attached to his mother.

"Elaborate lies may be invented to cover misdemeanors, both by the parent and the offspring, until eventually, as the young adult leaves school and enters the workplace, the delinquent has developed into a dangerous, ego obsessed, narcissistic psychopath." - He's not dangerous or psycho but he's narcissistic and to an extent, egoistic but bearable.

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Some updates ...

24th August, Saturday - My boyfriend and I went to Malacca to visit a temple for prayers. His mother called him while we were getting ready to burn joss stick and pray (there were about minimum 8 Gods there to pray). Hence, he told his mother that we were about to start our prayers and conversation ended. We silent our phones, put our things aside and went off to pray to each God.

After were were done and checked out phones, I had 18 missed calls and he had 10 missed calls from his mother. I even had 3 sms from his mother asking "Why you don't want to pick up my call" and "Pick up my call"

So I quickly told my boyfriend to return her call. We already knew what was going to happen since she could sms me like that. The moment he called she went mad and scolded him for not picking up her call and he started reasoning with her that we were praying and we silent off our phones and put aside to avoide distractions at a sacred place. She refused to accept his reasoning and said, "You could have at least sms me!!" He explained again that we both silent our phones and PLACED ASIDE so we won't even realize anybody was calling. But she refuse to accept and continued to scold him with unreasonable excuses. He got angry and shouted back and all I could see from the temple entrance was him shouting over the phone far away from the temple. After that nothing happened until ...


26th August, Monday - When we got back from work, shortly after that his mother got home. I called her as most would do when an elderly is around to show respect but she never bother to respond to me. She just nodded her head and went off to do her things. I then left to take my bath while my boyfriend cooked dinner. Next thing I knew, while showering in the loud gushing water, I could actually hear my boyfriend and my mother shouting at each other out of sudden. I ended my bath and listen to their shouts. Neighbours were watching. But I could clearly hear what was the argument about ... it was about the incident that we didn't pick up her call on Saturday when we were praying. "OMG" I was thinking ... I could hear her clearly saying that "You both never bother to answer my call! No respect!! Called so many times!!" and "You both could have sms me if cannot pick up!!" When he kept repeating, "We were praying and we silent our phones and placed aside!! We need to respect the sacred place! At least we returned your call immediately after that!!" But she still repeated the same thing, "Excuses!! You both just want to avoid me! Move out!! Move out of the house!!"

@_@

There I was hiding in my room and next thing I know she came to the room knocking hardly on the door. "Neshimaru!! I'm telling you now .. you and my son have no respect for me! Both of you move out!!" and she continued to bang the door as my boyfriend trying to stop her. I got angry and opened the door and then explain to her firmly what happened at Malacca, that we were praying. But she pointed her finger at me with her piercing eyes and shouted, "You both have no respect for me!! Move out!!"

I cried after that and had no choice but to call her sister who is my boyfriend's aunt to talk to while they continued arguing. His aunt thought it was odd too that she took it so offensively and kept it for days and bring it back up to argue with us. She calmed me down over the phone and assured us that she will talk to the mother.

This post has been edited by Neshimaru: Aug 27 2013, 11:33 AM

Long story and I am sympathetic to your cause. Although I cant give you professional advice I wish you the best of luck.

I think your future mother in law need psychological help!

Thank you for your kind sympathy ..



I think so too .. I think she needs to learn to let go of her child before things becomes worst ...

ask your bf to talk to other relatives to talk to her about this matter... if can get the ex husband also can..

Consider yourself lucky to have mommy around. Shes probably the only person who loves you unconditionally.
You know your bf background, as a single mom, how much she has to go thru to raise her boys?
Yes shes annoying, yes she worries too much. Because you guys taken her for granted.
Instead of bringing up this issue to your bf, you could have talk to her or at least see things on her perspective. Yet you behave like any other selfish gf by salvaging their relationship.

Please, dont ignore the poor woman. Talk to her, try to work things out. My mom died a few years ago. Its too late for me to realized all this. Just remember one day you gonna be the mother of a son. What you would do?

First, sit down and talk to her nicely.

Last resort, get her to see a psychiatrist.

Heh, mother with dependency personality. Will often raise a child with codependency characteristics.

Nothing new here. Move along.

I tried talking to him but he gets agitated whenever I do cause he's embarrassed by it ... so I don't want to put too much burden on him.



I didn't plan to salvage. In fact I told him to pick up her calls whenever she call but I also understand why he doesn't because every call is the same and he's too busy. Once a day is alright but few times a day saying the same thing ... it's hard for him to be patient for a long period of time especially being a Manager and chasing datelines. If you ask me what would I do when I'm a mother .. I guess it's mother and daughter influence. I would do like how my mother treats me and my brothers too. My mother now do not breath down our necks as we are all adults and have moved out (I'm the youngest and I'm already 29). She always tells us that we are all adults and she doesn't want to treat us like children anymore. Any mistakes that we do outside is our own to learn and experience. She just want to enjoy her retirement without us distracting her peaceful retirement life. That's why it's whole different situation for my boyfriend's mother because she's totally opposite from my mother. He loves her very dearly but he just want to be treated as a grown man ... guess not everybody can understand our situation.

Oh on a side note .. my parents are divorced too and me and my siblings followed our mother side. And I'm sorry about your mother passing on.




Hmm.. is that necessary? I doubt she needs to see one but I feel that my boyfriend should talk to her one-to-one ... to tell her that he's a grown man but he will never leave her .. to tell her to let him grow up or it will ruin his future as a man and a bread winner in the family. I can't be the one to talk to her since i've only dated him 1 year .. I feel that I'm not in the position to be that honest with her just yet. She can get really pushy and aggressive with us at times over the phone and it's heavy on our shoulders ...

your bf might be the only thing close that the mother thought she has, effect from the previous divorce i think. that would explain why she is so clingy to his son.

in short, she is lonely.
( i have a similar background as yours.)

This post has been edited by ymc2303: Mar 8 2013, 12:32 PM

Yes, it's your boyfriend who needs to do the talking.

Thanks for your comments ... I did some readings about codependency between parents and children after reading your comment and it does show in my boyfriend .. which is an eye opener for me. He's very much dependent on my strong personality but as he says it.. "I love your strong personality .. stronger than me!"

I think this whole issue is going to ruin the son's characteristics if he doesn't want to really sit down and listen to me about all these behavioural problems... He's a nice person overall.. don't get me wrong by thinking he's a bad person now..

Yes I did thought about that .. I did once suggested to my boyfriend that perhaps she needs to find some new hobbies that involved in groups or a new partner to share her retirement life with ... but it didn't really get into his head.. perhaps I will try again when the time and place is right to bring this up .. he's still very sensitive whenever I bring it up due to the fact he's embarrassed about it ...



Will try to talk to him again .. thanks!

Hi TS ... i will try to make this as polite as possible but forgive me if I can't ... first of all I can say I totally understand your bf's mom as my mom is also like that ... I'm in similar position ...

1) From a mom's perspective ... the kid is ALWAYS a kid ... no matter 10 years old 20 30 or even 40 ... that guy will always be the mom's KID ..

2) She's a single mom ... can you just imagine how INSECURE she would feel ... with only 2 sons ... if this 2 sons leave her ... she eat what ? Poor lady ... you guys have no heart ? By the way how in the world can your bf be irritated by his mom ? Only your love towards him is love ? His mom's love for him is not love? Will ur bf be irritated by u if u call him 10 times a day and keep saying i love u i love u i love u ? annoyed by her mom by repeating the same thing ? Last time when her mom is alone without husband .. gotta raise ur bf alone .. crying everyday (if he's still baby) or want a certain toy or what .. the mom got get annoyed by ur bf?

3) If it's to the point her mom is repeating herself like that ... bad news she's probably like my mom ... she is already in state of depression ... and yes serious depression ... not your typical cupid corner omg my bf doesnt pick up my call i wanna die that type of depression ... pls get medical attention immediately ... if she's in serious depression .. she needs EVEN MORE ATTENTION to get better ... so please don't be surprise if she starts calling 20 times per day ...

4) Your bf moved out with u ... I'm guessing her mom would be more traditional type ... i guess her mom would think like you're stealing his son away .. hence making her feel even more insecure ... y would ur bf move out with u anyway ? doesn't wanna care about her mom anymore ? her mom lives alone now ??

Well ... I just feel sry for ur bf's mom that's all .. advice to your bf ... mom will only have 1 ... gf/wife can have many ... good luck to both of you .. advice to you .. if now u cannot tahan her mom ... break up now .. if ur bf love u so much .. run away with u and leave his mom with his brother ... there is no other choice ...

Btw don't get me wrong ... i'm just giving advice .. not flaming .. to be honest initially I was like you guys annoyed too .. but once you think of all these .. you appreciate your mom more .. i hope you guys can do that too ...

Lastly do not ignore her call ... just pick up and say "mom sry i'm really busy i need to go ..." if she doesn't scream or what . then u can close ur phone ... 5 seconds .. not that hard .. if 1 day she really got emergency or what .. u both regret for life

This post has been edited by GymBoi: Mar 8 2013, 02:19 PM

You can act like a sweetener between them. Get them to open up and work things out. Go to her house for dinner let your bf do the talking.

Promise her something like at least visit her once a week or keep in touch with her daily during free time. You guys have to filled up her insecurity.
Shes just like any mother who is scare of being neglected by her baby boy when they grew up.

Tell your bf not to ignore her nor raise his voice on her. After all he only get to have one mom. I am glad that you are a considerate person. Maybe you can be a bridge between them. Abuse your bf la, threaten him that if he doesn't get back with his mom, he will not get what he want from u la lol.

I'm not saying your bf is a bad person. I'm saying what he is now is a product of how he was raised for the past 30 years.

If his mom took him as a substitute for her ex husband (which is a VERY common phenomenon in divorcees with a firstborn son), that son will define his "self" as an extension of his mother. He has developed avoidance patterns which hampers yours and his capacity for dealing with the dependent mother.

Contrary to popular belief, talking will NOT help. People with such traits will only understand a direct consequence of their actions, because they do not see anything wrong with what they're doing. In fact, talking may actually backfire because you are questioning something they had believed they did correctly in the past 30 or so years.

Take corrective actions. Talking will just be a waste of time.

dump him.
many couple endup disvorce bcos of hasutan from the mother in law.

Dump him now , or you will have a hell of time with him later .

its unbearable for the nagging part. If her mother is the introvert type that does not mixed around well, then probably need to get something cultivate a hobby which she can does it alone.
if she is not able to be independent in the beginning, maybe you and your bf can work out something. I just scared that if both of you are not giving her attention, sooner or later when she got into depression, then its hard to predict. Elderly people who are in depression get sick easily.

I think the problem lies with your boyfriend's mother, in that her world revolves solely around her eldest son.

I am guessing, she does not have any hobbies, a close group of friends, etc. This would not be surprising if she had sacrificed all of the above for him when he was young.

This is going to be really sticky to handle but the best would be to get her out of the house into her own activities and get her to make her own circle of friends. There are a lot of senior citizen gatherings out there, like ballroom dancing, cooking classes, etc.