The young lesbian couple next door never close their bedroom curtains.

I must be the world's unluckiest gay man.

I told my mate, "I'm going to start a religion that I will say was founded hundreds of years ago, make up rules to suit me and write a wholly unbelievable book about it."

"What a load of shit", he said, "I don't believe it."

"That's blasphemy", I replied.

this one is goooooooood

"Men never listen," complained the wife.

"No, I'm not," I protested.

"Yes, I am," I agreed?

I went up to my wife holding a gun and said, "Any last words?"

Two hours later, I killed her.

I went over to meet the new lesbian couple who have moved in opposite.

"There's something you should know about this house," I said, "The last 3 people who have lived here died after drawing their bedroom curtains."

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

The wife and I are really into S and M.

She's sleeping, as I'm masturbating.

"This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning.

"What have I done now?" I asked her.

"Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woke up."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said,

"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

Lol

Facebook now analyses the photos you post, and via a very clever software system comes up with relevant advertisements based on what is picked up from the images.

I posted a photo of the wife and I on holiday, now I'm being bombarded with adverts for divorce lawyers.

this is funneh!!!

I think we all know who the villain in the next Batman film is.

Whoever cast Ben Affleck.

Justin Bieber says he "can't wait to get married and have kids".

Sources also say that his ovary implantation has been successful.

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. ‘You impotent *******!’ she screamed at him, ‘how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, ‘I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids.’

My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Lol simple but gets there