I went on a blind date last night.

"What qualities do you like in a guy?" I asked.

"I like men who are honest." she replied, "What about you?"

I said, "I like women who can give good blow jobs."

Facebook now analyses the photos you post, and via a very clever software system comes up with relevant advertisements based on what is picked up from the images.

I posted a photo of the wife and I on holiday, now I'm being bombarded with adverts for divorce lawyers.

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their arse whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, What?"

I said, "You dirty b*****d!"

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.