My wife came in and caught me wanking to gay porn on internet.

"It's not what you think," I hurriedly explained. "I've finished all the other categories!"

after more than a week and v1 & v2, i've finally finished reading the jokes.
keep it up, TS!

1936: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn
2013: Whatever you say dear

A woman is sick of her husband's drinking and decides to teach him a lesson.

She dresses up as satan, and when her husband returns after another
bender, she jumps out on him from behind the door.

"You don't scare me," slurs the man. "I married your sister!!"

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for that conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.

So far, four nurses have committed suicide.

Too soon.....

This is the first time that I did not find your joke to be funny.

As the doctor went through my notes.

He said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."

I said, "How come?"

He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

while reading the jokes in here, i can't help but find this one funny:

I went on a blind date last night.

"What qualities do you like in a guy?" I asked.

"I like men who are honest." she replied, "What about you?"

I said, "I like women who can give good blow jobs."

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.

"Hey, Handsome, how about it?"

"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."

"Ah, come on," says the whore, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whore's bed he rides her like a f***ing god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," says the whore, exhausted, "that was such a great f***. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still f***, Honey," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

Maybe a repost:

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round...and laughed and laughed and laughed...

This enormous bossy lady came up to me at the bar last night, she said:

"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."

"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.

"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.

"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a f*cking bullet."

Six months later, you wake up from a coma...

My wife got home from work and was livid,

"What the f*ck have you done all day? No tea ready, the house is a pigsty, clothes are all over the place and you are still in your pyjamas."

"I just thought I would do what you used to do all day when you were not working," I shouted back at her.

"So, how was the postman's c*ck, then?" she snapped back.

burnnn

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women.

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.