"How's that fat wife of yours these days?" My mate Dave asked me in the pub last night.

"Actually, she's been going to the gym since new year." I told him. "And it's costing me thousands per month."

"F*ck me, in membership?"

"No, treadmill repairs."

"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."

"Dad, I would like you to meet my boyfriend , Paul."

"Oh dear, I think your mother will be very disappointed. You can do much better than this."

"Dad, that is outrageous and very rude."

"I wasn't talking to you."

Hahaha! Misfit you are the best, sir!

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after their obese diet program , I muttered under my breath, "Fat f*cking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

damn good
i will try this

Happy Independence Day, America!

Remember, celebrating your freedom is mandatory. Your Government is watching and listening to make sure you do.

Nelson Mandela has been clutching an unknown object very close to his chest since being admitted to hospital.

On closer inspection, it's now been identified as the watch given to him by Alex Ferguson.

As I lay dying, I realised that my wish to be surrounded by my beautiful family was almost complete.


"Dave", I said to my son, "can you f*ck off for a bit?"

Fergie time

Facebook (proper noun) - Where stupid people go to have their opinions validated by other stupid people.

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

Men speak because they have something to say...

Women speak because they have to say something.

My wife hates it when I put on my best clothes and tell her, "I'm bringing sexy back!" as I walk out the door...

to pick up her sister at the airport.

Fergie time. Hahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You never fail to make me laugh, sir!

This post has been edited by bb100: Jul 11 2013, 06:21 PM

"Very little scares me," said my new girlfriend

"Great," I thought to myself, "She's going to be terrified when she sees my c0ck."

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

It is really unfair that our censorship are not allowed to show boobs.

But our Parliamentarian are allowed to show c*nts all day.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jul 16 2013, 02:51 PM