"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"

said my girlfriend's t*ts.

"F*cking hell love, this is interesting." I said to the wife, looking up from my computer.

"It says here that the giant squid, which until last year had never even been seen alive, is actually estimated as a 100 million-strong species, worldwide."

"What the hell are you telling me that for?" She said, angrily.

"You were supposed to be on the internet searching out cool tattoo designs for my bum-cheek."

"I was, love." I told her.

"But I had to make sure there'd be enough ink, first."

bbbbbuuuuuurrrrrnnnnnnnnn

I was having lunch with a female colleague when I saw my wife come in.

"It's my wife! I have to hide." I whispered.

"Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" she said.

"She can if she thinks I died in 1995".

I took a girl back to my place for sex last night.

After complaining for the first five minutes with, "Stop, you're too big" and "Please no, you're really hurting me now" the fat c*nt eventually rolled off and let me go on top.

I woke up this morning and caught my son sniffing my daughter's knickers.


"You're f*cking perverted!" I said, "Get your nose away from my arse."

I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around.

I felt like I was on The Voice!

I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got down on one knee.

"Oh Kevin," she cried. "I can't believe this is happening!"

"Shut the f*ck up," I said, peering over the table. "My wife's just walked in."

According to a recent study,

people will believe anything you say if you say it is from "a recent study".

I walked to the doctor's clinic and said,

"I have a severe erectile dysfunction problem."

"Let me have a look," the doctor said, as she asked me to pull my pants down.

"Can you see that?" I asked her, as my penis slowly began to get hard.

"But I see that your penis got erect really soon," she said.

"Exactly," I said, "my problem is the wife."

i'm really bad with remembering dates and numbers and even until now i still cant remember my wedding anniversary.

but thank god, i'm pretty lucky because my wife birthday is on the 1st of Jan.



this is true story for me btw

So, let me get this straight. You boast that you shagged my Mum, and I'm supposed to get you a card to say 'thanks'?

I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can f*ck right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."

I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.

It's the quickest way to deflate her.

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee.

I said "F*ck off Dave, I've got to go to work."

I've had a condom in my wallet for the past ten years and I've a feeling it will be getting used this weekend.

It was stolen yesterday.

My new blow up doll is so realistic..

It told me it just wants to be friends.