Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...".

The mother cuts him off and says, "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me."

Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier."

Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with Uncle Joe last summer."

My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..

"I know" was probably not the right answer.

"F*cking hell love, this is interesting." I said to the wife, looking up from my computer.

"It says here that the giant squid, which until last year had never even been seen alive, is actually estimated as a 100 million-strong species, worldwide."

"What the hell are you telling me that for?" She said, angrily.

"You were supposed to be on the internet searching out cool tattoo designs for my bum-cheek."

"I was, love." I told her.

"But I had to make sure there'd be enough ink, first."

The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about...

The wife and I were about to get dressed for an office dinner when she pulled out a tight, slutty red dress from her wardrobe.

"You can't wear that!" I said immediately.

"Why?" she asked. "Will your colleagues think it's inappropriate?"

"No," I said. "Because you're fat."

huh? 

My son had his first 69 today, but he thought it was gross.

He said he's going to stick to women his own age.

I got into a bit of trouble in the park late last night,

I saw this chick standing there in the dark, looking at me with her tits out and her panties down round her ankles.

So I went up to her and slid my hand between her legs only to grab hold of a pair of big sweaty balls,

That's when the fighting started.

No, she's not a tranny but...
How was I to know her Black boyfriend was giving her one from behind.

A fat girl came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"

"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.

"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"

"Oh, that's easy," I said confidently, looking her up and down, "Cake."