"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."

"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."

I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."

"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."

He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."

"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."

"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."

"Don't," I replied, "I was the silly f*cker who asked her to marry me."

Sitting in the airport looking at people and their Samsonite luggages and Pier Cardin sling bags, you realized that you have a serious drinking problem when your sling bag was branded Bacardi, and luggages was Johnny Walker and Dewars.

I'm currently hiding in an underground reinforced metal bunker consisting of 26 inches of solid steel with enough food and water to last me 6 months at the moment.

Nothing to do with the Mayan prophecy, I just forgot to get my wife a present for her birthday this morning.

A guy in the pub shouts in a drunken rage, "All lawyers are c*nts!!"

I got up and screamed "Hey! You take that back! I take offence to that!"

The bloke slurs, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No. I'm a c*nt." I replied punching him in the face

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

I own Call of Duty Modern Warfare, World at War, Modern Warfare 2 and Black Ops, so deciding what I wanted for Christmas was easy.

I really want to get laid.

The world didn't end...

I was up all night and it was a close one, but I managed to save you all.

You're welcome!

no, Goku & Superman have saved Earth that's why we are still alive...



This post has been edited by ErgoProxi: Dec 22 2012, 05:59 PM

Alex Ferguson says that Robin Van Persie could have been killed when Ashley Williams kicked the ball at his head.

Just like the time a fan head-butted Eric Cantona's foot.

My wife came home from work smiling from ear to ear.

She had explained to me that 2 indian gentlemen held the door open for her and bowed as she was leaving like she was some kind of royalty.

What she fails to realise, is that they see cows as sacred animals.

It's going to be a tricky year for Santa.

How is he supposed to sneak down the chimney, when everyone's sitting on the roof waiting for the flood water to go down?

yet to the victims of the flood

Or when alfe inge haaland tried to kill roy keane by laying down in front of him.

The Pope's Christmas message this year calls for people of all faiths to put aside their differences and unite in love and compassion.

And shoot all the benders

rofl poor wife. btw merry belated christmas misfit!

thank you, merry xmas too

I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "Thats not how you spell criticism."

As I was leaving the house this morning for a day out with pals drinking, my wife shouted, "Be safe."

So I checked my pocket to make sure I had a condom.

Your Jokes really light up my Day. You should consider doing "Stand Up Comedy". You could be the next Rising Star. SO many famous actors started from dong Stand Up Comedy.

Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.