BEST PICK UP LINE: You like sleeping? Hey, me too! We should do it together!

.......... more like a pick up line for the desperate.

My wife and I were out for an anniversary meal.

"Eurgh. Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?" she asked.

"Errrrrr. How did you know?"

"It's a glass table".

"Who are we?"
"Men!"
"What do we want?"
"SEX!"
"When do we want it?"
"Anytime!"

I walked into the bedroom and my wife was putting her bra on in front of our 12 year old son.

"That's disgusting," I said, "You shouldn't be doing that in front of him."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "He's my son, besides, you said your mother did it in front of you."

I said, "She did, but my mother had nice tits."

I started chatting to a nice lady in the coffee shop earlier. She said, "Books are my passion. I've written 10 in my life."

"That's fantastic. What do you do in between writing books?"

"I have four children."

"Bloody hell. You've got 40 kids as well?"

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

A fat, ugly, cross-eyed, girl came dancing up next to me at a party.

"So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled.

I said, "Earth, what about you?"

nice one mate

I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse.

The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this chick in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."

He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"

I said, "No... my wife was home".

I saw a group of women talking at work today, so I barged in and said, "he is such a f*cking a**hole."

Suddenly I was part of the group.

OK I was stumped for 2 seconds on this one...

Keep it up man.

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"f*** off you c*nt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

ouch

*personal appeal*



WHO HELP ME BUY COMPANY OF HEROES HUMBLE BUNDLE!?

poor internut line i got

I can now cutting cars off and driving like a maniac ever since I put that

"Honk if you're a pedophile"

bumper sticker on my car.

keep posting

hahahahha sampai appeal plak

A gym in Durham has became the first in the world to power their electricity from customers working out on devices such as treadmills.

Going off the same idea, I've started powering my house off the energy I create while masturbating...

I'm now supplying electricity to half of my street.