I used to go out with a girl who was gorgeous, funny, and sexy as hell.

Then I married her.

I don't get this joke, could you explain boobs?

"Hey baby, want to come back to mine?"

"Sure."

"Great. Here's your helmet and pickaxe."

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.


This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 1 2013, 10:30 AM

New Year.

I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything,

but all the noises I used to make during sex,

I now make getting out of bed.

The Dark Knight Rises.

Pretty much every time he sees catwoman.

how can u not und the joke. come lemme help ass

oh... now i baru see tit

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.

"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.

"No dear, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate."

Found another place more suitable for this

This post has been edited by impedance: Jan 3 2013, 10:37 PM

Where is today's relationship joke???



This post has been edited by bb100: Jan 4 2013, 01:39 PM

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

"What the f*ck," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"

"That was your fault," she snapped.

"I don't think so, love. Look at the damage; you've buckled my front left wheel!"

"You're just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Look," I replied. "Let's exchange details and get this mess sorted out."

"Oh for f*ck's sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."

To the lady in front of me.

It's a speed bump, not a f*cking land mine

Kim Kardashian has reported that she hasn't experienced any nausea or vomiting yet.

That's because the rest of the world is doing it for her.

I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."

"Are you asleep yet love?" I asked my wife. "I'm feeling horny."

"No. I'm still awake." she whispered.

"OK." I said, " I'll give it another half hour."

I've just joined a site after seeing a pop up saying 'Meet Lots Of Women In Your Area For Sex Tonight'

The next stage of the application said 'Please Choose: 18-25, 26-33, 34-42, 43-49, Over 50'

I've gone for 43-49 women, over 50 is just being greedy.

My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his three previous funerals he wants to see him go in the ground this time.

Me and three guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.

We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.

"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."

"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and the device measured 98 decibels. Now, what do you say about that?"

"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels."

"128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"

"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was f***ing her sister."