As I approached a lady in the shopping centre with my clipboard I said, "Hi, I'm doing a survey about sexism in society can you spare a few minutes of your time?"

"Sure," she replied.

"Thanks it won't take long," I smiled, "now then, do you mind if I look at your tits?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Ok," I said, "Not to worry, Question 1....."

I am such a lucky man.

My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.

Well, what she actually said was "I'm off to Singapore this weekend with work, so you will have the house to yourself"

Finally, from V1 until here. First of all, thank you very much for making my working hours much more cheery. I bet people around me think I'm crazy since I giggled and smiled alone too much. It is all from reading your jokes. I paused quite so many times, as you said, reading too much of it, I find it not funny anymore. It is like a curse. So the cool down period helps making me see them as funny again. Anyway, good job man! You're awesome! Keep 'em comin'! Last but not least, congratulation on V2. May there are many Vs in the future =)

u wanna help? u know wat to do...

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her ****.

As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.

That's when I looked at my friends and said, "Can you three f*ck off?"

inb4 kiddies report lol

In UK

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

lol didn't see that coming

The groom and his best man were sitting together at a table, playing poker in a small room at the back of the church. Their jackets were off, their sleeves rolled up and each men was viewing the cards he has been dealt. The door suddenly swung open, and the angry bride came barging in.

"What do you two think you're doing here? The ceremony is about to begin!" screamed the bride.

"Honey," replied the groom," you know its bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding!"

darn nice 1 here lol

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.

"Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."

She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.

"Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen."

"I'm a nun, you prick!"

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 10 2012, 02:45 PM

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!"

"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.

"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the f*ck would I want a half naked postman?"

The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012.

I'm not falling for that again.

I've only just finished all the f*cking canned food I bought for the Millennium Bug.

A black guy goes home and tells his mom 'I've got the biggest d*ck in 3rd grade. Is it because I'm black? '

His mom replied 'No, it's coz you're 19 *'

i lol'ed

I came home from work early to catch my son getting a blowjob from his girlfriend.

I said, "Just you wait til your mother gets home"
He said, "Why do we have to tell her?"

I said, "So your girlfriend can give her some tips"

I was banned from every football ground for at least 12 months yesterday.

I forgot my wedding anniversary.

I've never understood these adverts where a sexy woman in a man's shirt finds some chocolate and slowly takes one before seductively placing it in between her luscious lips.

What they fail to show is how it finishes with her eating the whole box before shouting at me for judging her, and then crying herself to sleep.

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 14 2012, 09:03 PM

X-Factor winner James Arthur used to be an alcoholic down-and-out, and now he's writing songs for One Direction.

Proof that, no matter what your lot in life is, you can always stoop a bit lower.

As my teenage neighbor put her jumper back on, I looked at her and said, "Please don't tell anyone about this, they'll think I'm a f*cking weirdo."

"I'm sure they wouldn't Mr Smith," she replied.

"Oh yeah," I responded. "How many men do you know who own a sewing kit and are able to repair clothing?"