"I have 27 pairs of shoes, 15 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses and a closet stuffed with clothes I only wore once, but how DARE you waste money on that stupid xbox!"

I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some pals, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

She text back,"Omg really?"

I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, have you ever been out with a fat girl before?

"No you're the first" probably wasn't the best response.

Felix Baumgartner has revealed plans for a second suicidal plunge.

He's getting married next year.

One of my friend is a Cameraman.

He got shot by a radioactive camera.

wth!! HAHA

Dear Americans,

Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

You know you have a drinking problem, when, at 8am, your wife asks you to toast some bread for her and you raise your beer high and say "to bread".

I used to have a friend in a wheelchair.

We fell out though because he was sick of me pushing him around and talking behind his back.

I was just about to have some "quality time" with my wife when she screamed out, "Why the f*ck have you got a machete?"

I said, "It's a jungle down there."

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please?

‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?'

"Your Eyes, idiot!"

IN THE NEWS : Westlife in plane crash horror


Pilots last radio message "We are flying without wings"

"Why do I always have to cook dinner? Why don't you do it for a change?" said my wife.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll cook if you give me a blowjob," I said.

Had the best dinner she'd ever cooked.

LOL fk u.. made me laugh like hell

made me laffed hard! thx matey

I have a fear of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."

This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Nov 1 2012, 10:17 AM

BREAKING NEWS:
With Disney buying Star Wars, Donald Duck will now have four nephews. Huey, Louie, Dewey and Chewie.

I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.

I staggered over and said, "Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a threesome?"

"You're drunk aren't you?" they asked.

"No," I slurred, "What makes you think that?"

They said, "I'm standing here on my own."