So I got to know this guy frm a dating app n we've been chatting with each other for the past 1 week via texts. Eventually he asked me to meet up but I told him that I wanted to talk to him on the phone first to familiarise myself with him. We had great chemistry on the phone with a lot of bantering n we flirted a bit. Based on these good vibes, I thought it'd be OK to meet up with him.

However, the energy totally shifted during our 1st date... It felt more like a friendly meet-up. I felt no sparks at all n the way he talked to me gave me a platonic feeling. He's told me that he's an introvert so I'm not sure whether he was shy, nervous or just wasn't into me at all. And somehow I also got the "ick" when he told me that he's in a talking stage with another girl. I do understand that we're free to talk to other ppl but I couldn't help feeling that way.

So that night I asked him if we're better off being friends since his energy had shifted. Then he told me he's normally like that when he's meeting new ppl. Finally he told me that we should just be friends. Was he wasting my time or he wanted to take his time to get to know me better?

Dating apps
Love scam
Love scam pacel

I'll use some analogy / metaphor from the other aspect to reply.

In the investment world, no rational investor enters a position expecting to lose. Each move is strategic — based on available data and anticipated return. Dating is no different — you already weighed the risk versus reward before deciding to meet up.

You had good early indicators: engaging text conversations, strong phone chemistry. Based on that, you made a calculated decision to proceed.

The outcome didn’t align with expectations — not because either party was malicious, but because the in-person energy revealed something the pre-meeting signals couldn’t predict.

He told you he’s introverted, and perhaps he is — or perhaps he simply wasn’t aligned. Regardless, he clarified his position, and you both moved on. That’s not wasted time. It’s real-time data acquisition.

Not every investment yield profit. But even a loss sharpens your next decision. Emotional overreaction distorts decision-making. Keep what you learned, discard the rest, and reallocate your emotional capital wisely.

Hello if you don't feel it. And he told you, let's be friends.

Let's move on bah, besides you just are less than 1 month. It's very normal

It's normal you're on guarded
you've to accept everybody has different energy across different hours even days.

Someday you could vibe a lot
Someday you just want to be logical and get to businesses

people still progress on the relationship as long they still see each other. The label itself has not much meaning

TS

Care to explain why you feel platonic vibes?

Was he too reserved? Or talk too much? Or talk boring things?

Or the way he treats you at the date?

Or maybe its his physical appearance?

When we were talking on the phone, he was very lively, cheeky n flirty but when we met in person he became slightly serious n didn't flirt at all. Really felt like I was talking to a friend.

I forgot to mention that we had a 10 min video call after talking on the phone that day so if he was OK with our video call interaction, why was he acting that way during our date? I'm really confused n the reason I posted this is coz I need to know what precautions I need to take to ensure that this won't happen again when I talk to other guys in future.

This was totally out of my expectation coz I've already done all the necessary vibe check prior to the date.

How did he bring up this statement? Did you ask or did he "announce" it on his own?

Depending on the context, his intention may come off differently...
A) he announced to imply he's "in demand".
B) you asked so he simply just answered
C) the conversation just flowed naturally, he thought he'd tell you as an honest person

Well, you already crossed him off your list, so he's just agreeing to stay friends. Rejection from a side easily turns mutual because it's a total turnoff to a neutral impression.

"Serious" to me was reflection of how he treated the relationship, I don't think that was a bad thing. I guess you were thrown off by the 180° vibe change -- I don't think he meant to deceive or anything malicious... Tbh it really just sounded like maybe he wanted to show a prim and proper self or he was just really socially awkward.

I don't think any precaution is needed because like was nihility said, you can do all your prep work to anticipate, and the reality will still surprise you every time, for better or worse. I do think maybe you can shift your mindset a little: be more open/accepting to one's awkwardness, as long as the honest intentions are there. Give people time to get over their own awkwardness.

Thanks for offering so many insights on this. It didn't cross my mind that he might feel awkward during our date coz he came off really confident during the phone call.

And I thought that he'd explain to me abt the 180° vibe change when I told him that our chemistry was a bit "off" during the date. But in a way, it also shows how he serious he was abt me. Coz if he was actually serious, he'd explain to me that he was feeling nervous/awkward and that we should give each other more time to get to know one another.

The reason I acted this way is coz in the past, i had gone on 1st dates that never progressed to 2nd dates so I really didn't wanna waste my time on this guy if all I got was platonic vibes. Plus he's still in a talking stage with another girl. So the whole time I was thinking why am I being made an option?

2 possibilities:

1. He finally met you in person and didnt like what he sees

2. He screwed up on the first date. Pretty common also. Could be nervousness, inexperience.

He finally met you in person and didnt like what he sees - > He saw me during our brief vid call. If he didn't like what he saw, he could have cancelled the date so this might not the reason. Very likely it's the 2nd possibility coz he's told me that he only has 2 exes so far.

you've to accept things will not go along your way
there are many reasons why the person appears nervous
if people nervous, chances are yourself are also nervous
people mirror one another
you cannot say it's entirely his fault

Some guys are just extra shy and awkward during the first physical meeting.

I've had my fair share of such experiences. Guys are more natural, at ease, and expressive in online chats and video calls, but they get quieter in real life when they meet the women they like. They do get extra self-conscious and spend more time listening and observing than talking.

I suppose you like him a lot, and hence, you expect him to behave the same online and offline. However, from his POV, he may just be feeling uneasy on the first date. Flirting with a non-GF-yet in real life does take some guts, especially if he's an introvert.

observe and see how things go..
not all dates had fruiful results..

If u think its the second, isnt it too hasty to give up on just one date?

TS, normally guy find you interested and we go pursue for it.

Your case, from a guy perspective , when he said let's be friend , i am gonna say first date went wrong.

Most of the time, i presumed He also has not much interested in you.

(He could be shy)(You are gonna find out)


Hey i know you you posted on my thread. Go focus on yourself, loving yourself should always the be priority.

This post has been edited by Mr.Ballz: Jun 2 2025, 01:57 AM

Don't u think he gave up on me easily when he agreed that we should be friends?

From your explanation, it seems that you're the one who brought up the "just be friends" topic first? There's a possibility he took that as a sign of rejection and just agreed since he can't force you to like him.

Still, if you want to give this a chance, just be direct and ask him about the situation instead of double guessing each other. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. There's nothing to lose, right?

We have already stopped talking to each other lol

Welp, case closed I guess lol! Best not to bring up the friendship topic the next time because that's like a very common rejection excuse and can be easily misinterpreted.

Then next time how should I gauge frm the guy if he sees me as a fren or still wants to continue dating me after the 1st date?

I don't think there's any foolproof way to know since everyone is different.

It's fair to drop someone if you're not feeling the vibe, but I feel a single date is a bit too early to tell, unless there's something that really turned you off? Some people may need more time to warm up before comfortable in showing their true self (the good or bad). Who knows!

I know and it's not helping matters that I'm am overthinker who keeps on thinking every guy out there is going to waste my time eventually. I really dunno what to with all these stupid thoughts.

Relationship cultivation/building — I'm afraid there's no shortcut.

It’s just like learning you need to allocate time to study and grow. The same applies to relationships. A strong and genuine relationship cannot be built without the investment of time. Through that time, we experience both the good and the bad in the other person. We begin to appreciate their strengths, admire their values, and gradually learn to accept their flaws and weaknesses.

Without the passage of time, none of this deeper understanding can occur. If you believe there’s a shortcut or faster way — humanity has been trying for thousands of years, and yet the truth remains: there is no substitute for time.

If you're still in doubt, consider this simple observation:
Would you be more willing to follow a leader within your organization who has groomed you, instilled values in you, and fought for your growth over the years —
or someone hired externally, who issues instructions without knowing your personal strengths, weaknesses, or working style? In my experience, 10 out of 10 people would prefer to follow the one who invested in them — not the latter.

This analogy holds true for male-female relationships as well: just as it takes time for trust and rapport to develop between leader and subordinate, it takes time for a relationship to mature. With this in mind, "time" is not an optional ingredient. Like it or not, you must spend it.

Now, if you already know you can’t save time — only use it — then why worry about someone “wasting” your time? Do you have a better alternative? No, you don’t.

You're left with three options:

Option A: You worry about wasting time and do nothing — but time will pass anyway.

Option B: You try, spend time, but don’t find the right person — and time still passes.

Option C: You try, spend time, and eventually find the right one — and yes, time passes just the same.

Among these three, none can stop time from passing.
But if you try, at least there's a chance you’ll end up with Option C.
If you do nothing but worry, your chances of success drop to zero.

So don’t overthink. Focus only on what’s within your control and give it your best. The outcome, if beyond your control, is fate.
And if Heaven wants us to walk a certain path, who are we to defy Heaven’s instruction?

Thanks for giving so many good advice 👍 I guess I'll be OK with spending with those ppl.

1. You say explain, but did you give him the chance to? I don't know how your conversation after the first date went, but if you rejected him before he replied anything at all, there wasn't any chance then.
2. Not everyone is open to share their weaknesses. Maybe he never thought of telling you that because he feared judgement/"deducted points".
3. You are an option. What did you expect from a first date from dating app?

Continuing point 3 above, there's some entitlement from your end. You can reject him but he cannot even "agree to be rejected"? What have you contributed to make him not to give up on you easily? You're not in a relationship yet to "demand" anything.

Even in a relationship, I think it's a constant learning curve to read your partner's mind. I used to hate mind reading but I realised it's so fun to successfully guess what he's thinking or when we clicked on something without saying a word.

I'll give a radical suggestion, it'll be way out of your comfort zone but maybe that may spur a change

Message him back and apologise for jumping the gun, explain that you confided in someone who pointed out the possibility that he was shy/nervous/awkward, hence the change in vibes. (And ask if he really was?)

Fat chance you ain't getting anything back and worst case, you get ghosted/blocked. But, I think there's a slim chance, just maybe, that he was slightly interested so might agree to a 2nd round and maybe with this honest exchange, something may feel different. Hear each other out about your feelings without judgement, maybe with this honest exchange you might learn something new. If you want to increase your chance then treat him on 2nd round lo.

Caveat: only do this if your gut feeling determined he's a sane/normal guy. Someone crazy might take revenge/humiliate you.

Why do this? Well, mainly is to humour me lol kind of an experiment to see how things will go. Personally I did things way out of character and learned from the outcomes and also my own feelings what I dis/like, and there I was able to change for the better (or at least what it means to be me version that I'd like).

I'm also like you on the points above but i've made some changes in my life. During the chats before the first meet up, see if you can align the major life values and what both are looking from the chat.

Like many pointed out on the first date, he could be nervous (and you may be), so if there is something unique you see in him, give it 1-3 dates to gauge.

On the point that he is chatting with another girl, nothing is wrong until the exclusivity topic is brought up (a few dates later). Both are still strangers on the first date.

Asking him to be friends, is a clear sign you're not interested, so naturally he will just agree and it ends there.

Man... I can't believe I actually let u talk me into doing this but yeah I sent him a long heartfelt msg but he didn't reply 🤣 Life indeed is not like a romantic movie where 2nd chances are being given so easily.

This post has been edited by parisiansky: Jun 3 2025, 12:52 PM

If a guy wants to keep seeing you he is interested.
If undecided after first date, can ask for second one.

I used to be the one wanting to date for 10x before making it official until I meet a girl where we dated like 4x then I ask her to be official.

Normally how do you feel after the first date, then what's his action after the first date, did he follow up with you?, if both of you enjoyed each other you would like to see each other again.


My case is different, not every guy like me. Normally guys 2-3 dates can find out for themselves.


My previous case on 3rd date, i confessed, then kena rejected

I know u're using dating apps too. How/when do u decide that it's time for u to stop swiping on other girls? I know for some guys, it's never enough. They'll keep wondering if there are better girls out there that they haven't swiped on. I have this thought coz I keep seeing the same guys appearing on those dating apps. It's either they're too greedy or there's something wrong with them.

It takes time to really get to know someone
by settling down quickly with someone (I met a girl on first date, she said she wanted to get married within 6 months and she's just in her mid 20s)

Is she high value aka traditional woman?
maybe
but when you hang out with a person
only time and intuition will tell whether he or she suitable for you
unspokenly people sense something could be wrong if you try to not overanalyze every single detail(s)

Honestly I seldom go on first dates coz normally I'd filter the guys on phone calls first. For my previous 1st dates, it's either I felt immediate sparks or I felt neutral.

Do u normally feel nervous during the 1st date?

You ignore the fact that most sexes have defense mechanism
by she claiming to be friends, it doesn't mean anything proper

Nope not anymore. Been playing the app for quite awhile, first date usually meeting up with stranger , double confirm she looks more or less the same from app. I don't put high hope on first date normally.

When you are official just stop swiping. Continue swiping can be tiring.

I am a very weird person. I go by checklist. I don't go by looks or chemistry. If the girl have what I want on my checklist then I will continue seeing her. I call it my non negotiables. You must have a set of non negotiable. Cannot have too many. I limit it to 6 only.

I date to marry. Not date for fun. So I need to see if she got what it takes to be a good wifey and good mother. Always ask yourself what to you date for? Fun, companionship, sex, marriage? Keep in mind some guys not serious. They like the feel of the chase.

You can always search but, yes there will always be better one but need to ask yourself is the one in front good enough or you want more. I had my answer already. She is good enough. Most important for me is she is frugal. That's my most important criteria.

Looking like the person is one thing. I check their background to see if they are telling the truth about their job.

Same here. I never put any hopes into the first date/meeting. I always expected to be rejected. Make my life easier.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Jun 3 2025, 02:34 PM

For me, I have no problem with deciding when I should stop scrolling. It's the guy that I'm seeing that worries me. Yeah he could promise me that he'll stop using dating apps once we're official but you'll never know if he still continues swiping on not just one but several other apps. This is probably 1 of the cons of dating the person that u knew frm dating apps.

What are you worried about?
It's not like the people you meet in real life you could guarantee them never use dating app for the first time or even go flower port secretly behind your vision

texting, video/voice call and meet in person is so difference.
some may good in texting and video/voice call, but may not also good in conversation during face to face.

when face to face, ppl is able to see/feel/notice/sense our facial expression, body language, and our emotion at that moment beside the verbal message whether is acceptance or rejection.

is a waste of time, that’s actually a very subjective, is might takes more than one meeting to understand if someone is truly compatible

Just do something else in your life besides dating.

Me and my gf have each others phones passwords. We can check if we want.

Dating is like going shopping looking around first. Both need to sell yourself to the other party unless you already look like Miss Universe. But then if you look like one, the other party can still be turned off by snobbish attitude during the date.

it's not wise to lock yourself to one person the first time you meet the person

it's also selfish to demand your date to stop dating others.

It takes time to get to know the person over several dates.

By asking him whether he wants to stay as friends after the first date, you have already pushed him away instead of giving a chance to both to develop the relationship.

This post has been edited by Blofeld: Jun 5 2025, 04:51 PM

Male = Rational

Female = Emotional

Serious, 101% you are not really attract (outlook) to what he need.

Beside that, you make me think you look like miss out a chance (Why recall please!?).

Serious, you are not.

As you have the key...........

Omg he finally texted back! He said he missed talking to me n after having a long convo with him, he agreed to meet up with me again. Thought I should let u know abt this since u suggested me to msg him again. Thanks for the push 😊

Lol that's a nice start! Please keep your hopes in check ya haha you sound very excited 😂 give the awkward guy time to warm up, good luck!