If your brotherhood is real and deep no one would see you as weak. However many men don't have that real bond of brotherhood, even though they would be like "I got your back bro!". When the real time comes, many fail the test. Then the man learns to never be that vulnerable again, and handle everything on his own.

So is it understandable that they withdraw and keep to themselves? Yes.

Is that the right thing to do? No.

Part of bravery and courage is accepting that you will be hurt. The only way out, is to have faith eventually you'll meet the real bros.

I myself can only count on one hand the amount of people I would really rely on. Most fortunately, not all of them are men.

That said, communication is also important, as miscommunication happens even with the best of intents. So share this with people you know, its a good code.



Safe harbour

Men at that level, are in combat mode all the time outside. When they come back, they don't want another battle. They want a safe space where they can relax. So the woman has to create that safe environment for him.

Unfortunately the society has created and mould men to behave such way. Open up and be vulnerable, cry are seen as weak. But most men actually do have a group of friends that are bros since young, even those people are not easily for them to open up to. Even there are people available for them to open up but as what I mentioned, society has mould them to behave as such. As for their gf and wives, are either seen as someone they need to protect like their child or some women ARE the problem.

As for me I always tell my husband to open up if he has issues with work or other stuff. He always man up and say no problem lah, I’m ok one, not so weak minded. His bro is just staying few steps away (It’s fate! We never discussed to stay together lol) so if he needed to talk to a bro it’s definitely there for him.

As for my kid, he’s not in the age that would understand life yet but when he does, I would encourage him to speak to me as a heart to heart friend. Let him know there is still mommy to talk to if things doesn’t go his way.

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Oct 3 2024, 06:35 PM

For sisterhood, if a woman fails her other 'sisters', she'll get labelled, chastised and ostracized by the group. Women are loyal to friendships and want to have good relationships with each other. Even if we can't give full support in terms of money or some other resources, we will still find ways to help our 'sisters'/friends and care for them. This is because women are highly social and communal, and we know that we sometimes need our friends' help, so we learn to give and take at an early age.

I think our mindset is different from men's in this case. Men don't have such strong bond within their own brotherhood, unless someone leads the group and set the rules, and all the bros agree to the the leadership and bro code (-- based on what I see in movies, not sure if this is true or not 🤔).

--

Thanks for the video. It's a good one.

Over the years, I have learned to be more direct with men by telling them what I want. For example: "I'm feeling down right now. Can you accompany me for a while? Just listen will do."

& If I need a solution, I will ask them directly that I need a solution. If they don't know, I'll ask them if they know someone who can help.

Men have the tendency to fix things, but women don't need solutions all the time. Sometimes, we just want some companionship and listening, then we'll feel better.

--

Yes, I agree totally that successful men need safe harbour.

My ex is still sticky to me after 8 years together, because he can't find his safe harbour with other women. With me, he can laugh, cry and be his boyish self. He is safe to express all his emotions to me. He doesn't tell me all his problems, but I know him well enough when to encourage him and when to give him space.

Unlike women, men need a mix of autonomy and intimacy. Too much encouragement will suffocate a man and emasculate him, while too much space will probably cause him to spiral inwards and feel uncared for. Women need to know when to push a man forward and when to pull him out of his own hole.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 3 2024, 07:37 PM

Your husband and son are blessed to have you. Yes, we need more women who understand men well and support them.

In my opinion, for men, emotional intelligence is something that is not being taught (by fatherly figures or male role models) from a young age. Hence, when men feel troubled, they don't know what to do with their emotions, and can only suppress themselves.

I think it's a vicious cycle, and probably the current/new generations of males can do something about it. Men's broken system is not something women can fix although we can be their supporters. There are already men who want to help and support other men, but they are not the dominant voice in the society.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 3 2024, 07:03 PM

This is the problem with social media. They don’t reflect the true story of society as whole. If every girl also aim 10% of the guys, how many people actually date and get married lol? Also, what is consist of 10% of men? Rich and good looking? But if perangai macam babi like P Diddy is it still consider in the 10%???

Not every girl is dreaming of dating K Pop men and K pop men doesn’t exist in real life (or errr if they do, why do they want to pick a random Plane Jane. Since they are perfect they also expect perfect girl right?). Matured mind girls would understand there is no 100% perfect human in this world. Actually girls are very ok with passable looking guys and some even like bear bear tummy guys. It’s the emotional part that most often wins them. If you go out to the shopping mall, you would noticed many couple with fairly good looking girl with subpar looking guys.

Generally, women's choices of mates are influenced by sociocultural factors, media, and family upbringing.

In poor countries or poor families, most women are taught to marry up, if possible. Even in rich families, parents would want their daughters to marry someone of equal or higher status to preserve and grow family wealth and status.

Of course, there are poor/rich women who will marry 'down'-- only if they have no choices or no access to upper level guys, or they really love the average/lower class men.

It's probably the middle class women that are okay with dating and marrying average/equal mates. Not up, not down, just maintain the status quo.

As for men, some are okay with equal/lower level women, while some want higher level women. It's more largely influenced by their own choices and goals in life.

Just my personal observation, in general.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 3 2024, 07:20 PM

He should have tested this earlier in the relationship, then he probably wouldn't be so scared to do it now.

The problem is, he has no idea how you will take it if he does open up and show vulnerability. Even you, do not know. I've personally seen women get the ick when the man opens up. She didn't even expect it, she thought she could be supportive, but she couldn't. Dynamic of the relationship changes after that.


Mommy will always be a safe haven


Maturity and security plays a big part in this.

The more secure the group, the more likely they wont have an issue with members breaking down. Its the insecure group that will feel like they can't carry the burden of a member being down, so gets rid of them.

This is also why many male groups have a "ragging" process for new members.

Well, its not literally the top 10% la, there are layers to this. What it means is that women will normally only look at the top of whatever group they are in. Even your husband is likely at the top of whatever he is doing or amongst his peers. Not necessarily from a salary perspective, but respect and status from his peers.

There are likely so many other men in that same range, that were totally invisible to you

The video he shared contains the truth.

***

The "like" for the 1st post is for the sharing of your life journey the last 8 years (not the topic). Every paths of life is unique by itself and cannot be replicated by others. While pursuing our individual path of life, sometime we wonder how others are doing with their path of life. There is this yearning to know, what if I am taking the other path / option of life, how would it be now? What if I'm the opposite sex, how would the thing be?

We have finite time in this realm, there is no way to walk every paths or else the life efforts will diluted and we are going to end up achieving nothing. We can't turn back the time to start over life choice as time is moving in one directional dimension.

This yearning to know can only filled when someone is willing to share their life story, so we are able to know what aspects we can improve or prevent in our own path / coming generation life decision making. So, thank you for that, I do gained from your sharing.


This post has been edited by nihility: Jan 14 2025, 04:31 PM

Exactly! Finding a mate is so much more than tall, rich and handsome. There are so many layers to a person (morals, emotional stability, kindness, responsible etc). So that is why the picture looks so wrong as it doesn’t portray well of the true society.

And also yes, there are many good quality men and women that aren’t that obvious on the first impression, you need time to know them in order to know their qualities. Dating is more than meets the eye. That’s why I always encourage people to find a partner through their friend list as opposed to online dating. You’ll be surprised to see different angles of a person. And often I see those who have their partners with a strong friendship base often the happiest couples.

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Oct 4 2024, 11:55 AM

I beg to differ

If you see how China match making market, they always be upfront of what theyre making and what they expect their partner is making. If they match financially, then only consider emotional commitment. I feel this is very well done, just that Malaysian girls arent bold enough voice their needs.

I feel sugar dating is a very honest way of dating. I feel i am happier and more fulfilled emotionally and physically

Thanks for your lovely reply. It reminds me of a poem that I read years ago... "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost:



I have an unusual life + an unusual personality. In my adult years, I did my MBTI test and found that I was an INFJ-- some of the rarest personalities, making up about 1-2% of the population. INFJs are known to have deep intuition, future-oriented vision, complex inner world with layers of thoughts and emotions, idealistic yet pragmatic, empathetic yet strategic. Basically, highly fluid and full of paradoxes + some may have spiritual abilities.

People often tell me that I should write all my stories, insights, emotions and thoughts into a book. Somehow, through the stories I share, people start seeing things from different perspectives, and realise something new. In their words, they feel that whenever they read my writing, it feels like they travel from earth to space and orbit around different planets, then back to earth again, and start to experience their earth life differently after the space adventure. I thought it was a good metaphor, and I felt glad I could give them such experiences.

I'm confused by your terminologies. Matchmaking and sugar dating are different.

Matchmaking: The goal of matchmaking is to help individuals find a long-term romantic partner, often with the intention of building a committed relationship, such as marriage or a serious partnership. Matchmaking focuses on compatibility in terms of values, goals, and lifestyle, and it is typically aimed at fostering a deep emotional connection.

Sugar Dating: Sugar dating involves a more transactional relationship where one party (the "sugar baby") receives financial support, gifts, or other material benefits from the other party (the "sugar daddy" or "sugar mama"). While emotional or romantic connections can develop, the primary goal is often the exchange of companionship or intimacy for financial support, rather than a long-term commitment or emotional bond.

So, which are you referring to?

This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 4 2024, 01:57 PM

How can an ordinary man like me get more matches? My tinder and bumble like a desert

Sugar dating is differentiated from dating, you know why right? Cause you're not really dating. You're paying for a service.

Its an illusion. Its temporary.

When you date a sugar baby, there's no progression, it will eventually end. Whatever you've done with her, doesn't really help you grow as a person in a relationship. You're not learning how to be empathetic, you're not learning how to be supportive, you're not learning how to compromise, you're not learning how to put your ego aside, etc. etc. etc.

The skills don't transfer over to actual dating and long term relationships, so you end up stuck in the cycle of paying for services to give you short term pleasure.

Everything hard for poor guys

pay for subscription, pray for not being shadow banned lol

This point caught my attention. If they chose to stay single and/or celibate for years until they found the right lady (i presume late 30s or early 40s), wouldn't they be inexperienced in dealing with a relationship when they are ready to commit?

Yup, you're spot on.

In my earlier thread ("Confusing Male Behaviour"), I talked about a guy from my undergraduate years who asked to be in a relationship with me, and I said yes, I'd give him a chance to get to know each other better.

Then he asked if we could get physically intimate (non-sexual, e.g. holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing...). I said yeah, if we caught feelings for each other, we should just follow the natural flow.

*

Until today, one month later, he still doesn't know how to proceed. He has initiated meeting me 8 times already... but until today, we still haven't met each other yet. Partly because of our work schedules, and partly because of his own reasons.

He would flirt with me online, ask if I missed him, if I liked him, etc... and then he'd disappear to process his own emotions + focus on his work...

and then he'd message me again after a few days/a week, and asked what I was doing, wanna meet or not, etc... and this cycle repeated itself for the Nth time.

Haih. Frustrating. I just let him be lah. I like him enough to be patient with him and give him the time to navigate his own emotions.



This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 6 2024, 04:38 AM

Suddenly, I'm reminded of this romantic relationship between Sesshomaru and Rin... in Inuyasha.



Sesshomaru is a stoic, powerful, and initially cold-hearted demon lord with a deep disdain for humans and a desire to prove his superiority. Over time, his character softens, especially due to his relationship with Rin. He values strength, honor, and independence, often keeping his emotions hidden.

Rin, on the other hand, is a kind, cheerful, and innocent human girl. Despite her tragic past, she remains optimistic and develops a strong trust in Sesshomaru, bringing out his protective and nurturing side. Her gentle nature contrasts with his stoicism, creating a unique dynamic.

*

To further add why dating is hard for guys- even for top 10% men...

In my own situation, the new guy is a water sign (horoscope) while I'm a fire sign. He's a 高冷男 (cold and aloof man, highly disciplined and career-focused, doesn't smile) while I'm a 热情女 (Aries woman, hot and passionate, always hehehe hahaha). I guess opposites do attract.

My ex was also a super cool, emotionless guy until he met me... I felt he was some kinda robot or iceberg when we first met... and I couldn't detect that he liked me until he suddenly confessed... then he became highly abnormal and more lively. He said I 'jampi' him and he couldn't get me out of his mind. LOL.

I think the new guy is also experiencing the same effects... and he's fighting his feelings and urges hard. haha Honestly, I enjoy teasing him from time to time. hehe

Both my ex and the new guy are into military, politics and strategic studies... worked their way to the top in their career... but they fall for someone like me, so... in my ex's words, he said I made him pening kepala but in a good way...
That said, yeah, those top 10% men can be quite cold, aloof and distant as they face lots of pressure and competition in the corporate world... until they become reserved and repressed... to maintain a standard image of professionalism.

Hence, when they meet a woman who can melt them, it triggers a range of emotions within them: intrigued, overwhelmed, curious, hesitant, challenged, attracted, vulnerable, conflicted, fascinated, inspired...

Like ice being melted by slow fire, gradually...

Do I feel their coldness? Yeah, I do... but since they pursue me first and want intimacy from me, they show their soft sides to me. Knowing their personalities, I also get used to their needs for time and space apart to process their own emotions. To me, this is a good thing because it shows they do have deeper feelings than what appears on the surface. If I am a nobody to them or just another woman, they won't behave so abnormally.

Men behave a lot like rubber bands + hunter/predator. My role as a woman is to stay irresistible, attractive and mysterious + play games with them to spice up the relationship. This will help them to loosen up especially after being tensed at work + have mood for sxx and romance.



This post has been edited by Ralna: Oct 6 2024, 05:56 AM

Just voicing my opinion that on the platform, I am very honest bout what I want, i put tags there "serious relationship, exclusive, travel companion, etc etc" something serious instead of pay per meet, or weekly/monthly allowances, for me that platform enables me to be very honest about what im looking for, and unfortunately those "baby" there is referred as sugar baby which might differ from your term sugar baby. Mine is referring to that specific platform



So a lot of people thought that I am having a sugarbaby, but to me i deem it different. She gives me gf/companionship/everything, i told her i want to have some personal time as and when i want, while im working i need to focus etc etc. She agreed we get together.

I am aiming to have a deep emotional connection (which i deem i received such connection from her) I myself at the moment no looking to get into marriage as I dont believe in it. My ex (conventional girlfriend) is aware and she is ok as well