Knew a girl through OkCupid. At first everything was going super smooth. We used to flirt around and chat everyday and we did called each other every night before sleep. Almost every day we will send goodnight and goodmorning messages and sometimes she even felt super worried for me if i did not get enough sleep the day before since we chatted till late night through the phone.

Have went through a total of 5 dates within a timespan of 2 months. Bought her gifts, went shopping together and during valentines day, invited her out for lunch and brought her a box of chocolate as well. She was very thankful and shows how much she appreciated me. Things suddenly went downhill soon after. Started noticing her getting very passive, her messages takes longer time to reply and conversation feels very dry. Sometimes she will just reply me a single sentence message that's all.

I knew something was wrong already but i still brush it off. Thought she could be busy with her work. There's one day where i was asking how was she doing? She replies me with a single thumbsup that's all. Fast forward 11 hours till late night she hasn't replied me a single message but i thought she could be busy as she did told me the day before she will be attending her colleagues Chinese new year open house. So i did ask her again how she was doing. Got a reply shortly after telling me that she is on the way back home. She even shares me pictures of her with her colleagues during the open house.

Chat conversations went back to normal for few days after she even shares me pictures of what she's doing, the food she ate but she still feels very passive and the messages feels very dry. So did arrange with her yesterday for another date and she agrees to do so. Went to confess to her how much i like her and so on then shortly she tells me at most she could only be a friend to me and she says i share a lot of similarities with her ex 🫠 and she can't find the spark between both of us.

My heart sank literally after I heard that. Feels like i got hit hard by a bullet. I did everything for her everything I could and with all the effort time I threw into her all gone down to the drain flushed away 🥺. And now i can't sleep all night because of that. But she did apologized to me she shouldn't have wasted my time with so many dates.

This post has been edited by Kennchew: Feb 29 2024, 11:50 AM

stand up, dust ur backside n move on to the next match. don't look back n keep on swiping.

Next time play hard to get....you just too easy...you no value from her standpoint

you need her more than she need you

you lose.

I'm so sorry the hear that.
Hopefully you will find the true one soon.
Take your time to be sad, feel pain and finally you will move on.
Hugged

never try never know, even failed this time but next time maybe u can win with your experienced

but i think the problem is the chocolate gift

But what makes you think its the chocolate gift?

If you didnt sleep with her within 5 dates, some guys already had and she already divert the attention onto him.

Thats why i always say try to sleep with a girl and dont show commitments before she show the same level of effort

this is the hard lessoning every nice guy will learn.

you knew something was wrong but you didnt set a boundary because you're afraid you going to lose her

normally if its yours, you dont try hard you still win her


This post has been edited by Chaud: Feb 29 2024, 01:58 PM

i take it you have not piap her yet

I could be wrong, but she sounds like the "dismissive avoidant" type. Once you show signs of deeper feelings or intimacy, they will withdraw themselves out of fear of engulfment. Your Valentine's gift and later confession seems to be the trigger points. There's not much you can do if this is the case.

well sorry to say she might got someone else , one of the reason why she told you , she just can be a friend to you

even it's very painful , just move on , i do believe you will get someone better then her

"she says i share a lot of similarities with her ex and she can't find the spark between both of us."

Sounds like she hasn't got over her previous relationship wound. The chances of dating her will be super slim.

You deserve a girl who is emotionally available and ready to love you.

That happens to me. Don't bother. Nothing heart sank. Told her ok. Wish her all the best and she blocked me. Haha... For me, I wait around 10 dates to 6 months before I decide if want to do anything (make it official(

Accept it. Unless you have exclusive talk with her likely she meet another guy who is able to give her feelings. Some girls want the feeling before they continue.

Breaking up means a part of you died. Buried it move on. Unfollow her on all social media. Delete her number. Get back to finding people.

Whether you should sleep with a girl as soon as possible is a debate. Some claims it is like a cheat code in game where the girl will like you straight away. For me, I am against it.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Feb 29 2024, 05:47 PM

go on dates is to check right or not ma. so ok la. not to say she wasted time. u aso no waste anymore time ma. at least u guys spend some time together.

Yes i did unfollowed her social media and deleted all her whatsapp photos including the entire chat as well but now still have to deal with those dark thoughts inside my head keep telling me what went wrong? It feels kinda quiet now without receiving any further message from her

No one wasted any time and no one is at the wrong here. It's just there is no fate between the two of you that's all. You both met on a dating site to try things out. After trying, you are ready, but the girl is not, that's all to it. You need to stop overthinking and move on.

You really won't know what went wrong unless she tell you. Like the girl I was seeing for 6 months said she went me to spend more time with her, and she dont have the feeling she is looking for.

For me, very simple. She don't want me, her loss. I move on.

Here's a podcast on moving on by tripp advice. Not bad podcast.
https://www.everand.com/listen/podcast/448129261

I listen to him on apple podcast but the link above will also give you the same thing without needing to search for it.

well said , same goes with me , if the girl shows the sign not into it , just say goodbye and move on

why no fate?
In my perspective, ts is not pulling the trigger by bringing her home
If she has had sex with him, the end result maybe slightly different

Wait.. she had lunch with you on the valentine's day, means she probably had dinner with someone else at night. She was probably seeing other ppl and using you as a backup.

Don't let her words eat into you. What u r like her ex bullshit it's not your fault.
Don't be demoralised thinking that you are not good enough that's why it didn't work.
Just move on, it takes both hands to clap, when the moment comes, you will know it.

I'm also against the 'theory' that you must sleep with the girl ASAP..

This post has been edited by Alocasia: Feb 29 2024, 08:23 PM

What if the girl refused for sex until after marriage. What then?

what if...what if...
Ts didnt even pull the trigger
and you already speculate sex after marriage
very funny lmao

If ts is charismatic knows what he's doing, he can use that opportunity to create good atmosphere and make sex happen on late afternoon, its definitely doable

problem i can see is he has limitations when it comes to dating and sex

Cause I don't know kind of girls you are seeing, the girls I am seeing all share same values with me. Sex only after marriage. Maybe they are bluffing me.

For me, personally I am glad such people still exist, that means my value is still relevant today.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Feb 29 2024, 09:13 PM

She's a family oriented person and lives with her family all the time. Her parents will never allow any guys to sleepover at her house until its after marriage which she told me. So not initiating sex is not the main cause of issue here.

Ive slept with girls who is family oriented
so your reasoning doesnt apply to mine

I have a feeling it’s 99% she found someone else. You having similarities with her ex is an excuse.

Be thankful she dump you early in the relationship.

Forget about her and move on to the next Tinder/okcupid date.

any people can bluff you
Include my stories
cause in your mind you already have a preconceived motion of how things should come to a conclusion

thats a narcissistic trait of a success or victim
the thing is any female can tell you stories, but whats most honest is how they behave with you at that particular moment

If a girl doesnt sleep with a guy three four seven dates, and she doesnt invest particularly more it can either mean she has a motive by not giving up sex ((ie gold digger), or she just treats the guy like a backup cause he is not arousing to her

I feel sad for u, not sure what you've gone through in life, to only see sex as the ultimate pursuit in courtship, and to feel the need to flex about ur charisma online to boost ur ego.
Bringing other ppl down online doesn't make u a more successful person online/in real life.

She: thx for ur gifts. I got bigger fish now. Kthxbye

you see i bring down people?
thats your perspective bro
my point is i give value based on my pursuits
take it or leave it

if you feel annoyed that means you have more work to do.

every guy has potentials to be self aware and not be a doormat or being pushed over

Hi TS, first of all, I'm sorry to hear that. Now it's time for you to pack up and move on.

Packing up:
It's fine to reflect on the failure, but it's starting to sound like you're drowning in your own toxic thoughts as if you were at fault. Remember: relationship/communication is a two-way establishment, so when it fails, there's often fault in both sides.

Take her words with a pinch of salt. She could be saying the truth and if she was, great! It's not your fault, she was the one with emotional baggage. If she was lying, she may have many other reasons why she lied and I'm pretty sure none of it would matter at this point.

Perhaps you have a naggy internal monologue: who am I to think she would like me....
For you to think like that means you have low self esteem. You dislike something about yourself. Do something about it then! I can tell you ah... "Looks is not important" is a lie. Bro I just can't kiss someone with crooked black teeth ok. Just because people say, "if you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best", that doesn't mean you should actively BE your worst. I simply disagree with that saying.

I personally believe in gradual commitment/investment. There are a lot of social norms/pressure for both men and women -- you are expected to do this and that otherwise you're not good.
- "guys should pay for the first date"
- "guys must pamper girls"
- "girls must return favour with their bodies" (examples right here in this thread)
In case you haven't heard, some pretty lady scammers on dating apps show a lot of attention and love on chat, and when they meet up, they die die must go to specific restaurant and die die must order wine, and then pretend they forgot wallet, or simply pressure you into paying hundreds or even thousands for a stupid cheap wine. This is them playing into the norm that "men should pay for first date". Naive/Egoistical men give in to the pressure end up hurting themselves.
It's important to work around these norms while protecting yourself from scammers, gold diggers or anyone who tries to take advantage of you. That said, I personally have a "correct answer" to the first norm: when the first date goes well, guy should pay first, then the girl should reciprocate on the next. Give both parties chance to give and take, make it a beautiful cycle of investing onto each other.

So question to you: what do you think was the investment ratio between you both? Consider in various aspects:
1. Time - who's initiating more? Whose replies are longer? Who is taking more effort to do something e.g. fetching another or driving longer distance to meet?
2. Money - who's paying more? Is there give and take?

If you found your answer disproportionate to your own beliefs/ideal, then you have over-invested. She hadn't put in the effort you wanted so why would you be so attracted to her?

I've also had a fair share of failures when I was looking to date - you know the saying that regret doing it is better than regret not doing it. Yeah I followed that advice and now I regret doing a few things and it still sucks lol. Jokes aside, I learned my lessons and now I know what not to do. Perhaps there could be something you did that didn't turn out good?

Moving on:
Now you've figured out your problems, time to heal. I said something about your over-investment... Here's another way to put it:
the fact that the other person is not attracted to you should be a turn off to you. I went through a few unrequited love myself to realise this in order to move on... And this was by watching motivational videos that would be cringey to a few lol.

Every encounter is a learning experience. You learn more about women and most importantly, yourself. Just remember it's important to keep an open mind and bring the best version of you every time, so processing your failure and properly packing up your emotions is important to ensure you don't carry toxicity/bias to the next lady that could be your "one".

------
The sex debate:
A woman can be sexcited for you and yet still maintain self control out of loving/protecting herself. Perhaps I sound insulting to other ladies who are open to casual hookups, but this is my personal belief: I'd like to avoid having accidental baby because I want to be better prepared and AT LEAST with the right person -- a long term committed partner. I do not want to take contraceptives that have risks and/or side effects to my health, and in general, most birth controls is not 100% success rate.
Someone you met only 5 times isn't likely to take responsibility to become a parent with you. If you're thinking about abortion, then you need to consider legality, ethics and also your own future health/fertility.

Now, men can also be sexcited for a lady he likes but a gentleman would respect her decision and not push for it even though he wants it. I'm not concluding that the woman should never give it -- I'm just saying both sides should respect each others' boundaries and work things out together. There'll always be compromise/sacrifice, but a healthy relationship would not be lopsided -- or at least, both parties should not feel lopsided.

So, think about what kind of lady you want to attract. Some think that it's also to gain experience and just enjoy the moment, so it's all up to you.

She's already got someone better than you. It hurts. But chin up. Look forward. How you handle failures shapes you more than any success you obtain.

dont put all your eggs in one basket

go out, enjoy yourself

date as many as you can

take it easy

the more u pamper someone u just barely knew, it makes you look very easy, 'very available', and not attractive at all.

so, date as many as you can, so that you are busy with so many women, and NOT busy with one woman only.

Meanwhile i support that theory, because it was a hard and real lesson to me. I hit it off very well with some girls, at the end they hint there should be something more after the date, but i brushed it aside and don't want to appear i want to bed her.

No more next date after that, they don't even want to see you anymore. After a few times then i switched to "bed her asap" theory again, things worked this time.

Why was i against that theory in the beginning? My first ex made me think it's wrong to keep thinking want to bed girls, and broke up with me. I was so stupid.

A few lessons u can learn here:

1) People won't appreciate anything that's too available for them. You gotta make yrself scarce sometimes by having hobbies n not meeting her that often. Let her be the one looking for u.

2) Don't put all yr eggs into 1 basket. Always remember that the other party is dating several other ppl before choosing the right one to commit to

3) I know it's painful to get over someone who's not even yr partner but the thing is the pain that u're feeling now is less than the pain u'll feel if u guys really couple up n break up later. Trust me, I've been in this situation a few times n it always takes me abt a couple of days to get over it. You WILL heal eventually

You can't prevent shit from happening but u can control how u react towards it so stop blaming yrself n take this incident as a learning curve and don't repeat the same mistake next time. Good luck!

This post has been edited by parisiansky: Mar 1 2024, 09:00 AM

Until she is exclusively yours , you also should have options.

It's quite obvious that you are the one putting all the effort.

Always impressed wirh ur long speech.

ngl this is actually a good advices, what makes you so special if any admirer is doing the same thing (eg. spend on her, buy her stuffs, emotionally available whenever she wants), people dont appreciate things that come too easy and you're making it too easy for her, females love the chase, not you chasing her but her chasing you, try it next time and different results can be produced, lansi abit to heigten ur perceived value

I like to explain the caveats and nuances to avoid misunderstanding or being taken out of context... Happy to do so as long as someone out there is willing to listen/engage in healthy debate.

The modern era is very much polarised and it's already apparent in this forum. Stereotypes/bias is human nature to speed up our processing to quickly filter out "potential same type of person who have wronged us previously", so it's important to be conscious of that: recognise that they exist to protect you, but also understand that being overprotected may prevent growth, or worse, that the protection is applied against the wrong person.

The 100 humans social experiment on netflix was a fun watch to understand that subconscious.

I do have a stupid question. Say I am a guy who is prone to be attracted with those broken girls and broken girls come with 1 set of weird characteristics where normally it is always homogenous and after dating 1 broken girl and feel I can't hold on to her broken characteristics, should I like go for more broken girls or should I just find more normal ppl?

Chill la bro. It's not like you didn't gain anything. You gained experience and now understand girls are not what you imagine them to be

TS, nothing wrong. I find the outcome was normal & it was one of the expected scenarios. It is the "probation" period similar to the probation period before one want to confirm a permanent staff. Even after 6 months, the employer will still think the candidate is not the suitable for role and can still request the HR to terminate the staff. Your reaction is something you need to look into, only 5 dates can inflicts such an emotional reaction - it means you have almost no tolerance to accept rejection. I would rather believe the girl did try to give it a chance but your characteristics didn't match what she was expecting. You should stop looking thing from your personal angle only but also from the opponent's angle.

This post has been edited by nihility: Mar 2 2024, 06:15 PM

If you are hardworking and think can change people, then go for brokern girls. Some people like the thrill of fixing things.

If you are like me, lazy belivef you should not change someone, don't bother. Don't make yourself miserable.

if you enjoy the ride, that's life changing experience.. if you want something that lasts, don't show signs of weakness.. if someone loves you, they will come to you.. wise versa if they think you as convenience, then they will reply based on their mood only..

old school formula la brader some girls will just move on if play hard to get..

Depends how you define "broken". Would you label yourself "broken" too? I mean, sorry to be blunt but I can also say that your divorce made you a "broken" person too right?

So, why do you define these women as "broken"? How do you find that out?

I think it's inevitable as one ages, s/he gains more battle wounds/scars of life. Some are fresh wounds they're actively trying to heal, some are years old scars that still itch to date. I think it's a matter of how bad the current scars are -- do you think you can tolerate these ongoing issues, assuming you fail to help them heal / they can't heal? Some people can be a wonderful person beyond the pain, but some warp to a point of no return because of the pain.

You're nearing 40 so unlike a young chap new to love, ladies your age are likelier to be unavailable or "broken", so your choice becomes limited. On the flip side, you know what it means to be broken. Empathy is like a psychic power to read people's mind.

in my opinion, if at beginning already smooth, it's a red flag
usually if such relationship can be easily build, it could lose easily as well
i know it's hurt, best way to move on is to get into another relationship. now u got experience, dont put too much emotion/hope in next rs too early

Yes, I do consider myself as broken and yes I know it's a 50/50 gamble on this. But I do believe in the saying of "What you went through is what made you today" so old wounds might have shaped a person's thinking like how it did mine. Thus I feel if a person was shaped this way right from the start and did not heal from old wounds, I guess it's hard to even get them coming out normal?

1. Stop giving presents to a girl just because you happen to like her. Only give her presents when she earned it. And just going on dates with you (which I assume.you paid) is not good enough.

2. That confession. A desperate guy trying to corner a girl. "I like you, will you like me back? please 😭" Ugh. Predictable results.

Dont confess. But you may ask, how I know a girl likes me back then? The answer is how she responds to your touch.

Or give the girl ultimatum. If you don't like it so be it. I move on. I got other options. Haha...

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Mar 3 2024, 11:44 AM

Bluffing bro

Then it means it wasn't yours to begin with or what you are offering just doesn't tickle her interest. So move on and create scenario where they want you more then you want them.

Ultimatums only work if the girl has invested in you.

But when she has invested, you dont need ultimatums.

5 dates and u no Kiss her or hold her hand?

男人不坏女人不爱

Normally after first date u know if the girl has feeling for u. If got 2nd date you can make chance to hold her hand already

If she shy shy then try on 3rd date if still can't succeed then maybe she not into u, then forget about it.



This post has been edited by darksider: Mar 4 2024, 02:21 PM

Similar approach.

If by 3rd date no touchy touchy, that means no chemistry.

She goes to the KIV list.

KIV can still be friends and I can still go out if Im bored. But wont pursue anymore.

there are girls who more subconsciously reject sexual advances
a) she doesnt perceive his game as high value to elicit her emotions
b) she doesnt perceive his lifestyle or money to be able to elevate her living status
c) her family or friends influence her "current" situation that sleeping with a man too quickly = bad

I met a particularly virgin cristian girl in her early 20s many years ago we went on more than 5 dates and ultimately sex didnt happen. 3 years later, we met again and everything happened quickly. I asked her why and whether she slept with a black guy she cheekily smirk

as a guy all you can do is extend your invitations clear, the issue is most people scared getting rejected because they grant meaning to the name of it.

Very simple , don't put too much effort and emotions on someone who isn't into you . You should be able to tell in a couple of dates

This post has been edited by Breaktru: Mar 4 2024, 08:10 PM

5 dates without progress is too much... should aim to get laid within 3 dates

someone might already took over , that's why she already rejected him after 5 dates

The problem with these dating websites / apps, yes, at first you seem like her best choice. Also remember girls, especially those who is above average one, is also very popular. She will keep her options open. Then bam, she found someone better.

uncle dont understand this 😂, unless you're 6'4 and very good looking you playing hard to get means nothing to a woman
she can hop back on dating apps and get another date in under 5 mins which is clearly what happened. thanks for the free chocolates and meals sucka byeeee 👋

but yeah TS a giga simp la, the days where men still show up with chocolates and flowers are over, keep up with the times.

TBH only ugly men have to do this, if you were her type, unemployed also she'll come pick you up and pay for your food, I've seen it before.

This post has been edited by YUNG_NIGGA_DRACO: Mar 10 2024, 06:42 PM

Why you feel so sad? You still have acc with Okcupid?

just go and try another date lah.

That is the objective of Okcupid, its a numbers game.

The more dates you try, the more close you are to your dream of finding the one.

TS has secret weapon

he does not put all his eggs into one basket.

he doesn't know it.

he has Okcupid, in which he can find other dates and move on.

back in my day, I have to use old fashion, hang out in "waterholes" pubs, go out hiking trips with friends (friend of friends) or makan hobby groups, or watch cinema with friend of friend of friend, to find dates. I didn't have this technology in my day.

generally women can make their own money, they're also secured emotionally by self improving. There seems to be no guys attractive enough in her eyes, so she may just choose to find some play toys if felt extremely bored

meanwhile these simps keep liking IG photos from these girls without getting "real action"

that's why even though i love to look at those IG photos, i would only just look, and not press the like button, i need to play my part to contribute to not giving too much power over to them, would not pay for subscription too

my condolences.
sorry to say that many women just want a perfect guy. zero compromise.

you are right , as an average joe we must accept if the person reject us , actually nothing wrong with us but basically some women got a high expectation , want a perfect guy even though she is not that beautiful

TS , Nothing wrong with you. This perfectly normal and as well happened before to many of us.

Like all the comment said , move on , delete and next.

If your date interested or into you, she will come and pick you and even buy you dinner. Simple as that

already keep say dry dry dry then first thing u do is ask for a date to confess? u think after confession then immediately become wet?
confess and go for the kill when things are good, not confess when things are dry and boring and hope it magically become good

really , it's not as easy as you think , plus if you think a girl totally dumb , why would you trying to tackle her in the first place ? never ever underestimate people

It only becomes easy when it can be your second nature, just like any sports or public speaking. Its a desensitization at first followed up cultivation of different values

noted

Most of male cant get girl because they always think girl are smart!

so we must think the girls are dumb just to get them ? even though the reality they are smarter ( not all of them )

There’s nothing wrong with u

Chasing girls is a game. Sometimes u win sometimes u lose

Don’t let a small disappointment hamper your next pursuit. Some people chase a girl for years only to get friendzoned. 5 dates? Consider yourself lucky.

Move on, player. Play the game, don’t let the game play you

If I was a girl who was dating so many guys from an online dating app and had to cut the bottom losers out to focus on the top guys, I would use the same excuse.

Does the job while providing an excuse that doesn't pin the blame on anyone. A form of mercy killing.

Bro, girl are not smart in "LOVE"!

Did a dumb girl broke your heart bro?

how come you are so sure bout it

i dont't think so , but if she broke his heart , that's mean the girl are smarter

My ex wife broke my heart only. Anyway, she earn her life lesson. What goes around comes around!

Men are rational, women are emotional. Open secret.

I see.

There are a few other divorcee guys here in this forum.

Hope u can move on and get into a new and better relationship.

You were trying to hard.
You did not match her energy.

this one i do agree with you

'she still feels very passive and the messages feels very dry'

There you go.

she sounds reasonable. At least she didn't lead you on or heavily criticized you.

dating is finding if both of you are suited or not, and it just didn't work out, fair enough.

Dating is a numbers game. If your objective is to find the ONE, the more you date, the more you get experience to determine what sort of girl you really want to be in your life.

All the best.

the first 3 months is just a warm up period. Most conversation dies off after that. I had experienced countless girl like u through dating app and decided to stop putting hope on it. Just keep swiping and dont put high hope. just assume they dont like u and dont put too much effort till they really show interest.

summarize points after i read through the comments here
1. dont put all eggs in one basket. chat several girl each time till u confuse who is who 😆 do remember the girl u date also chat with few guys 🤭
2. when u invest into stock market esp high risk, u nvr put all ur money inside.. same logic applies.. invest ur money, emotion and spirit carefully. ppl can just unlike/unlove u anytime
3. no progress after 3 dates, kindly move on.. 333 rules applies
4. dont lose hope and continue swiping
5. if a girl talks about her ex, kindly move on, u r just friends. it is a big red flag. if u want investor to invest ur company, u nvr tell them how failed u r..

This post has been edited by makira00: Mar 28 2024, 03:19 PM