"I cried for decades about the hardships I was going through and not one servant would listen"

- Prince Harry.

Not even one of my 20 maids asked me how hard the first pregnancy was on me.

-Princess MeAgain

Mr. Wang was getting ready for the Chinese New Year. He decided to put up some luck paintings on his wall, so he called his son over.

He told his son, "It's the New Year, so you have to say auspicious words.

So if I put the decorations too high up, say 'Good fortune' and if I put the decorations too low, say 'Good health'".

His son agreed and Mr. Wang pasted the painting on the wall. It was in the exact right place, not too high or too low.

At this moment, his son yelled: "Perfect! You don't have good health or good fortune!"

Wives are funny creatures, they don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to kill the woman that does.

Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but no one ever mentions his sister Carrie, the inventor of singing badly
in pubs..

There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park.

Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

Managed to book a table for two on Valentine's Day.
But she muka masam the whole snooker game.

A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

'Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse' he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied.

"No, all ducks you fucking dick"

I just filled my blow up doll with Helium.

Now she's playing hard to get

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:
Bob ate Jane's sandwich.
Bob ate Jane's colon.

My son got disqualified from the Paralympics after he was found to be using performance enhancing WD40.

Police have confirmed an ex and current Premiership footballer have both had their houses burgled last night.

Ryan Giggs lost 2 Champions League, 13 Premier League, 4 FA Cup and 4 League Cup medals

Harry Kane lost a toaster and kettle .

Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock...

Who's there?

An octopus.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck

WANTED: Person to brush their teeth with me as my dentist said brushing alone won't keep plaque away.

Dark humor, best humor

Took my trousers to the dry cleaners and said.."can you get another stain out of these like you did last week?"

He replied, "Come again?"

I said. "No, Red Wine this time."

At my funeral please take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who's next.

I hate people who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. There so fucking stupid