They say that the vehicle you drive says a lot about your sexual preferences.

Which is why I'm buying an Ice Cream van.

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her
lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

Boss: "You've been late for work three times this week. Do you know what that means?"

Me: "It's Wednesday?"

A teacher asked the children in her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a special force officer, go to the hot zone and kill loads of militant, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, loads of cocaine, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from Little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's tart Ma'am!"

I decided to travel to the US

At the Embassy for the visa interview

Officer: Where to in the US
Me: San Jose
Officer: It's pronounced as San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the US
Me: Oh Okay
Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US?
Me: From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.

VISA REJECTED.

"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"
"Not Wally"

- Where's Wally? (Audiobook)

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the LRT yesterday, can you please stop calling my new phone?

Dear Qatar,

I heard the managers, staff and players of Ecuador, Senegal, Netherlands, Iran, USA, Wales, Argentina, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Poland, France, Australia, Denmark, Tunisia, Spain, Costa Rica, Germany, Japan, Belgium, Canada, Morocco, Croatia, Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon, Portugal, Ghana, Uruguay and South Korea are gay.

New Malaysian astronauts to be announced after 22,000 people applied.

The only confirmed astronaut is Mahiadin. He didn't apply, everyone just wants him off this fucking planet.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum.

She hasn't spoken to me since .

"Give it to me" she begged, "Give it to me..."

"I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....


But, there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.....

End 2022 best passive aggressive humor

Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.

As temperatures plummet in the massive winter storm covering the US, the town of Hell, Michigan has frozen over.

So it looks like the wife is letting me do anal tonight.

I bought my wife some sexy underwear for Christmas.

But as soon as she put it on though, it became just underwear.

When I woke up in hospital the nurse told me I won't be able to feel anything from the waist down so I felt her tits.

My woke kids were mocking me as "backwards" and they said, "Omg Dad... your generation didn't even have a word for 'non-binary,' when you were our age !"

"Of course we did.... 'Napet'."

A study has shown that men, on average, have sex 60 times a year.

I won't be posting any jokes till new year as it seems I'm going to be very busy for the next 2 days.

BBC NEWS

Prince Harry: "I want my father and brother back".

Charles and William: "Once you've gone black, we don't want you back".

It's so sad this heart is constantly broken to pieces, yet so bizarre that it still beats.

An empty heart is worse because a broken heart can always be mended