If you ever meet a woman who admits she's wrong, apologizes and changes her ways, dump her immediately....

It's probably a man!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

There are many forms of mental health conditions

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

Bipolar

Getting Caught.

My missus said, "The women's world cup is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me? "


Sent from my iphone in Aeon.

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Houston, we have a poppadom.

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Nothing special, just a woman parking an Automatic

My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.

Then we met.

The one thing politicians & porn stars have in common?

They're both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

I must be getting stronger with age.
I can now lift RM300 of groceries in one trip.

A homeless man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "If you give me a free drink, I'll show you a trick that will blow your mind."

The bartender is naturally skeptical and says, "Show me the trick first and if it blows my mind I'll give you that drink."
The homeless man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. The mouse runs down the bar to the bar's piano and starts running along the keys, playing a tune.
The bartender is suitably impressed and gives the homeless man a free drink.

The homeless man says, "If you give me another drink I'll show you another trick that will blow your mind even more."
The bartender wasn't sure how the homeless man could outdo the piano playing mouse, but he says, "If you can top that mouse, I'll let you drink free all night."
The homeless man smiles and reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog that proceeds to sing along to the tune the mouse is playing.
The bartender says, "Okay, you're drinking free all night."

Another patron of the bar approaches the homeless man and says, "I'll give you five hundred dollars for that frog right now!"
The homeless man says, "Sold!"
The man gives him the money, picks up the frog and walks out of the bar as happy as a clam.

The bartender is stunned and asks, "Why in the world did you do that!? You had a singing frog! You could have made millions with that thing, and you let it go for a measly five hundred bucks!?"

The homeless man just smiles,shakes his head and says, "Nah,that frog was worthless." He points at the mouse and adds, "It's all the mouse, he doesn't just play the piano, he's also a ventriloquist."

A mum reported police for her missing 9-year-old after she used her moisturizer that makes you 10 years younger.

My Mrs has just told me to pack my bags and Fuck Off.

As I walked out the door she screamed 'And I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery, boredom and pain'

I said 'Make your mind up.'

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!

Me: 999, what's the emergency?

"Mummy mummy, can I get pregnant through anal sex?"

"Of course you can dear....where do you think moderators come from?"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Dec 13 2023, 03:46 PM

I've had enough of Christmas.

All year long I work hard to buy all the presents that my bratty kids ask for.

And what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with a beard gets all the credit!

Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

Merry Christmas to the most passive aggressive thread

I gave the Wife a Dart and a World map for Christmas.

What's all this about? she asked.

I explained that I was going to stick the map to the wall, she throws the dart and wherever it landed I'll book a holiday for this summer.

Long story short... looks like we're in for two weeks behind the fridge.

My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."

"Really dear?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.