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 Relationship Joke v3

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TSaLittleMisfit
post Sep 10 2021, 08:59 PM

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My wife told me I need to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I stopped talking to her for 3 days and whenever she asked me what was wrong I said "nothing it doesn't matter" and then I went out and crashed the car
kennobi
post Sep 15 2021, 05:58 PM

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Farmer Giles decided to write his will.
He called his three sons and gave each one a duck; with the instructions, whoever sold the duck the most would inherit the farm.
The first son went to the market and sold his duck for ten dollars. The second sold his duck to the neighboring farmer for fifteen dollars. The third son, who was a bit of a dreamer, was carrying his duck to town when a village girl approached him and offered to make love with him if he gave her the duck. It turned out that they had such a good time together that she wanted to give him back the duck if he would make love with her again. Weak at the knees from his experience and wandering along the country lane with his duck, the young man was knocked over by a car and the duck was killed. The motorist jumped from his car and pushed a twenty dollar note into the young man's hand, apologizing all the while for his careless driving. The young man dusted himself off and arrived home, tired and tattered. Farmer Giles asked him how he had got on. "Well," said the boy, "I got fucked for a duck, I got a duck for a fuck, and twenty dollars for a fucked up duck."
TSaLittleMisfit
post Oct 7 2021, 11:16 AM

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I was on the toilet at a mall when I heard a Woman's voice coming through a hole in the wall...

She said "if you pop $50 through the hole I'll suck you off"

I thought "yeh why not", and shoved the note through then my erect cock.

...Unfortunately the wall was 3 inches thick.
rcracer
post Nov 1 2021, 02:43 PM

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TSaLittleMisfit
post Nov 1 2021, 03:15 PM

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Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Nov 5 2021, 07:14 PM

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I don't buy my wife sexy underwear anymore.

As soon as she puts it on it becomes underwear.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Nov 5 2021, 07:15 PM

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I was in the pub with my friend last night when he said to me, "Look, I've been having an affair and my wife's getting suspicious. If she asks, I was with you last night."

I nodded. "No problem."

A minute later, his wife came into the pub and said straight at me. "Dave wasn't home last night - I think he was shagging some slut!"

"No, he wasn't," I replied immediately, winking at him. "He was shagging me."
TSaLittleMisfit
post Nov 21 2021, 01:37 PM

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Chinese state media have confirmed the safety of missing tennis player Peng Shuai, by releasing a video showing her happy and healthy. In the short clip, she also seen congratulating Andy Murray on his recent Wimbledon victory.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Nov 22 2021, 10:07 PM

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All the other 19 clubs in the Premier League have put in a protest against Manchester United over the sacking of Ole Gunnar Solksjaer.
They wanted him to stay.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Dec 14 2021, 01:58 PM

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The face mask, they really save lives..

I was out shopping yesterday with my girlfriend and the wife didn't even recognize me.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Jan 2 2022, 09:33 PM

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Just been watching my wife doing the PCR test.

I think she has been lying to me about her gag reflex.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Jan 2 2022, 09:35 PM

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Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...


TSaLittleMisfit
post Jan 8 2022, 08:56 PM

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A recent survey out shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condoms.

These people are called Dads...
TSaLittleMisfit
post Jan 8 2022, 08:57 PM

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My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!
TSaLittleMisfit
post Jan 29 2022, 09:22 PM

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Just got back from my pedicure and I must say it was amazing. I don't fancy kids at all anymore.
TSaLittleMisfit
post Feb 5 2022, 06:20 PM

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I remember reading an article a few years back saying Mason greenwood was the next Ryan giggs, how right they were…
kevraul
post Feb 6 2022, 07:46 PM

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QUOTE(aLittleMisfit @ Feb 5 2022, 06:20 PM)
I remember reading an article a few years back saying Mason greenwood was the next Ryan giggs,  how right they were…
*
This is a good one
TSaLittleMisfit
post Feb 14 2022, 11:32 AM

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I ordered the Mrs a table for tonight seeing as it's Valentine's day.

In hindsight maybe I should have asked her first if she even likes to play Pool
TSaLittleMisfit
post Feb 20 2022, 12:29 PM

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'...If I was a plastic surgeon...

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant
And a whoopee cushion in every buttock implant.'
TSaLittleMisfit
post Mar 5 2022, 10:20 PM

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During Girlfriend: "Hold me tight, wrap your arms around me and never let me go."

During Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the bed again!"

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