Old Joke and u forgot to add one rule..

If you ever try to appear naked or in your sexy lingerie to gain attention, I will not notice it and if you catch a cold, I will not send you to the doctor.

wife: dear, what is inflation?
husband: you were 35-26-36 10 years ago. now you're 42-40-45, and worth much less.

Misadventure in the Woods


One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, "Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles "Don't worry mom, i'll be alright."

She dosen't get within a mile to her grandma's house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.

The rabbit says, "Red, watch out, the wolf's after you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles and says "Don't worry rabbit, i'll be careful."

A little closer to grandma's house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.
He says "Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."
Red becomes angry, and says "Don't worry, i'll be fine."
Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, "Red, i warned you, i've got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."

So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.
She points it directly at his head and says "No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says."

Har har, old joke but still good. Almost like a scene from a spoof porno

Employee Reviews

The following are excerpts from federal employee performance evaluations.

* "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

* "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

* "This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

* "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

* "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

* "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

* "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

* "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

* "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

* "This employee should not be allowed to breed."

* "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

* "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

* "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."

* "He's been working with glue too much."

* "He would argue with a signpost."

* "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

* "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

* "Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."

* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

aku tak paham yg ni

http://www.goenglish.com/putyourfootinyourmouth.asp
this might help u.

lol...

Caused of Mad cow disease


A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

Blonde and the K-9 unit


The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned:

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen."
"I call the police for help, and what do they do?"
"They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Dead Will


A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.

God's Football Team vs Devil's Team


God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

No wonder la. One of those refs from hell must have been the linesmen at the England-Germany match just now. Sigh.

wakakakakaka!!!

Here's mine courtesy of my son's Australian father-in-law:

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience quite significant pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel and all the bricks fell out.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain abd unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind regards,
Mike Pashby

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 5:16 pmHere's another one, to prime the pump:



BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
(supposedly from Charlotte, North Carolina)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and
was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 5:23 pmThe Governor of a state goes to visit a hospital for the mentally insane to see how tax dollars are being spent. He meets one of the doctors on the first floor and he takes him on a tour of the building.

On the first floor, they walk by a room and there sat a man in his chair weeping quitely and saying "Lulu.. Lulu..", and the governor asked the doctor "What's wrong with him?", the doctor replied "He knew a gal named Lulu and she broke his heart".

On the second floor, they see more patients, and one in particular grabbed the governor's attention. The patient was pounding his fists on the wall, and he was weeping loudly and shouting "Lulu.. Lulu!". The governor asked the doctor again "What's wrong with him?", and the doctor replied "He was supposed to marry Lulu but she broke off the engagement".

On the top floor of the building, which was where they kept the worst of the worst, the governor and the doctor walk by a room with no windows, and had padded walls, floor and ceiling, in there was a patient that was hand-cuffed, chained, and was running into the 4 padded walls, banging his head in them and crying in a very loud voice "Lulu!.. Lulu!!!". Again, out of curiousity, the governor asked, "What's wrong with him?", and the doctor answered "He married Lulu".

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 5:27 pmA man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,"He mated 50
times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and
ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded
from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:08 pmGod was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we
don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create
life out of nothing -- in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to
the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"Oh no you don't ..." interrupts God, "... Get your own dirt."

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:13 pmA big city lawyer is duck hunting in rural North Carolina. He shoots and drops a mallard, but it falls into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbs over the fence, an elderly farmer drives up on his tractor and asks him what he’s doing.
The attorney responds, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “Ohhh, no—this is my property, and you ain’t coming over heah.”
The lawyer, growing indignant, responds, “Listen, country boy, I’m one of the best trial attorneys in the United States—if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiles and said, “Apparently, sir, ya don’t know how we settle disputes here in North Carolina. We don’t settle small disagreements like this with lawsuits—we use the “Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asks, “What’s that?”
The farmer replies, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us gives up.”
The attorney quickly thinks about the proposed contest and decides that he can easily take the old codger. He agrees to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbs down from the tractor and walks up to the attorney. With his first kick he plants the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sends the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer is now on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sends him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summons every bit of his strength and manages to struggle to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he says, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiles and says, “Naw, I give up—you kin have the danged duck.”

---

Added on June 29, 2010, 6:16 pm
A New York lawyer runs a stop sign in Arizona and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Arizona.
>
> Deputy: "License and registration, please."
> Lawyer: "What for?"
> Deputy: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
> Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
> Deputy: "You still didn't come to a complete stop."
> Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
> Deputy: "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
> Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
> Deputy: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
> The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving heck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"



This post has been edited by 100n: Jun 29 2010, 06:16 PM

Blonde Gone Fishing.


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems.

No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

lol

CALL FROM DADDY

Ring Ring!!....... Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do" says the little girl, "and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway!"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it and he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause ***

Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...... Is this 208-456-9213??

---

Added on June 30, 2010, 11:05 amAnd here's one for you young single ladies:

A girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment,

She says: You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for Apt. 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll opened the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"




This post has been edited by 100n: Jun 30 2010, 11:05 AM

And then the fight started…



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.




I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….




******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…



Read more: http://funcage.com/blog/and-then-the-fight.../#ixzz0sIxoUXUz

DIVORCE VS.
MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."