New Dad
Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy.

The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child. Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.

After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on. She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's nose and is dragging the child through the water in figure-of-eights.

"Good God!" she shouts. "That's not how to bathe a new-born!"

"It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."

emo mode again?

Long Time Revenge
The young boy, Billy, is so overjoyed that his family is going to the circus. When they get to the circus they get a good seat right in the front row.

Billy is so happy and the circus clown asks for a volunteer. Billy raises his hand yelling like cute little kids do: "me me me me me"

Well, Bobo the circus clown walks up to little Billy and goes "Hiya kiddo" in that clown voice they have... Billy is so happy and he answers, "HI BOBO"...

Then Bobo says to him, "Well kiddo, are you a donkey?"

And billy playing along says, "Yes Bobo"

Then Bobo goes, "Then you must be an Ass!"

All the people in the circus break out into laughter.

Little Billy is devastated. Everyone was laughing at little Billy.

From that point on, Billy made it his personal mission in life to get back at that clown.

As Billy gets older and starts Junior high all he thinks about are ways to get back at that clown.

He studies clown books and circus books once he reaches high school.

He goes to clown school from High School studying every in and out of being a clown just to one day get back at that clown who ruined his life.

Billy, now Bill, graduates clown school with honors.

Bill then takes martial arts for a year so he is skilled at kicking ass.

Finally the day arrives when Bill decided it was time to get revenge at the clown.

So Billy goes back to that same circus and walks up and sits in the front row just like he did 15 years ago.

Suddenly as he awaits the start of the circus the clowns come out. Dancing around just like usual Bill instantly spots Bobo, the clown.

Bobo jumps around the audience and asks for a volunteer and Bill raises his hand up high...just waiting to be

picked. Bobo walks up to Bill and goes, "Hiya mister... Would you like to volunteer?"

Bill stands up and walks out into the center of the circus and looks right at Bobo the clown and says, "Sure." Bobo the clown then says to Bill,

"Are you a donkey?"

Bill answers, "Yes."

Then Bobo says, "Then you must be an Ass."

And Bill turns all red, the moment he has been waiting for 15 years.

All his training for this one moment... and Bill answers, "f*** You."

wow 100 pages. congratulation! keep 'em coming 

i'll definetely crash my car if i m hearing this live on the radio
   

I don't get this 1

What Happens When You Fall In Love With
A chef? (You get buttered up.) He'll rise to the occasion
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.) He'll drive you wild and make sudden U-turns on Route 69
A gambler? (He cheats on you.) He won't wear a condom and hopes to withdraw in time
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.) He'll push all the right buttons
A trashman? (He dumps you.) He'll think your "down there" smells like roses every time
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.) He'll time his shots
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.) Ever heard of the "croissant position"? 
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.) He'll size you up 
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.) And take you up to dizzying heights
An artist? (He gives you the brush.) You'll be his "Moaner Lisa"
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.) He'll count your pulse after sex

If i wanna post jokes must it be a relationship jokes? cos i got tons of jokes that i think isn't really related to relationships

Get some of this!
Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifertakes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her headstuck.

The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to theother:"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts f*cking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes.

When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

not sure if thats a pigeon bird or pigeon woman

try look up in urban dictionary got

Markings
Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."